Harry Potter and co Write Fanfiction
by Gryffindor777
Summary: Complete! Traces Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Harry's experience as they attempt to write a fanfiction. They think that hallmarks of bad fanfiction are actually requirements of all fanfiction, and therefore unwittingly mimic and parody them. please r
1. Writing the First Chapter

A/N: Okay, to preempt any confusion, basically what's going on here is that Harry Potter and his friends discover fanfiction dot net and decide to make their own contribution. To anybody wondering how the Harry Potter characters in the summer after the fifth book (which, I've heard, takes place sometime in the mid-nineties) have access to stories published on fanfiction dot net in 2005, my answer is simply: "It's _magic_." So, yeah. The story will chronicle Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny's efforts in creating the story, and also, of course, will include their story itself. And, of course, as this story is a parody, just know in advance that I did not mean to offend you, and that I'm almost definitely not making fun of your story in particular. Although I might be.

Disclaimer: Even though it goes without saying, I am forced to type the words "I am not J.K. Rowling" at the beginning of my story.

Chapter 1: Writing the First Chapter

It was now the fifth week of summer vacation. Harry and Hermione, of course, were at the Burrow, because this story will be infinitely easier to write if all the characters are in the same place. Harry had been allowed to leave the Dursleys' after only 3 weeks this summer because Dumbledore finally grew a heart and decided it really wasn't very nice to make Harry keep living with his wretched muggle relatives. In the two weeks that Harry had been there already, Ginny, Ron, and Harry had practiced Quidditch to the point where even Harry was willing to contemplate doing something else.

Then, one night, after dark, when they would have had trouble practicing Quidditch even if they wanted to, they were getting rather bored. "D'you guys want another round of exploding snap?" asked Ron unexcitedly.

"We've played that three times already today, and I don't want my eyebrows singed again," registered Ginny.

"What about a game of chess, Ron?" inquired Harry.

"What are Ginny and I going to do then, just watch?" asked Hermione.

"D'you have a better idea then?" challenged Ron.

"As a matter of fact, I do. I found this website on the internet that is designed specifically for people who are bored out of their minds and can't think of anything to do! It's called fanfiction dot net!" exclaimed Hermione.

"What's the internet?" Ron asked.

"It's a system muggles use to access information. I bought a special computer from Diagon Alley that is able to access internet sites from the future so that I can read stories on fanfiction dot net from the year 2005! It's magic," explained Hermione proudly. "And the really cool thing is that there are stories about us on there." Ron, Harry, and Ginny were not particularly surprised by this information, because, of course, they knew that their lives were the subjects of best-selling novels. The reason that they already knew this is that the author, after much consideration, determined that having the characters already have this knowledge would be much easier than having to explain how they found it out. So there.

"Are the stories about us any good?" Harry wondered.

"No, mostly they suck," announced Hermione. "But I think that's how they're supposed to be. I mean, there's thousands of stories up there, and at least 9 in 10 have major flaws, so apparently part of the rules of writing fanfiction are that there have to be certain glaring inadequacies. I've been trying to determine what the rules for writing a fanfiction are (I've been looking at the site a lot while you guys were off practicing Quidditch), and I think I've figured them out to the extent that we can try our hand at writing one."

"That could be kind of fun," stated Ginny.

"Yeah, let's try," agreed Harry.

Ron looked rather reluctant, but didn't say anything. They moved to the room where Hermione's computer was being kept.

"Okay, the first thing we've got to do is write an author's note," Hermione explained. "How about this?" She started typing, and read aloud as she did. "Hi, this is Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione. We are very bored, and have therefore decided that we will write a fan-fiction. We kind of hope that you like it, but we don't really care all that much, as the main point of writing it was to kill time anyway."

"Works for me," said Harry as Ginny nodded her agreement. Ron was still sitting there in a way that made it seem as if this whole thing was against his better judgment.

"Next, we need a disclaimer stating that we are not J.K. Rowling, and that we don't intend to make any profit by writing about her characters," continued Hermione.

"Who's J.K. Rowling?" asked Ron skeptically.

"She's the woman who wrote the books about us and is growing rich off of our story," Hermione reminded him.

"Oh, that's right," remembered Ron. "Well, shouldn't she be paying _us_ then?"

"You'd think so," admitted Hermione.

"How about this for an author's note then?" asked Harry as he switched seats with Hermione and began to type. "We are not J.K. Rowling. However, if we find her, we will be sure to let you know."

"Er... doesn't completely fulfill the purpose of a disclaimer, but it makes about as much sense as some of the other ones on the site... I guess we'll take it," decided Hermione. "Now to begin the story. From what I can tell, if we want to write a story about the four of us, we should start out by describing the summer after 5th year. The stories usually start out with Harry at his aunt's house feeling depressed about Sirius' death."

Ron finally decided to speak up, "Look guys, I don't know if I want to do this. Writing's not my idea of a good time, there's so many grammatical rules to remember and everything. I don't even like to read when I don't have to."

"You don't have to know grammatical rules," explained Hermione patiently, "and you don't have to like to read. In fact, I'm not even sure you have to know _how_ to read. Judging from the stuff on this site so far, it seems that some people writing fics are not literate. They probably just sit down at the computer and start typing randomly, hoping for the best."

"Oh, well, in that case, let me try," said Ron. He switched seats with Harry and began to type on the keyboard. The reader should keep in mind that Ron has never used a keyboard until this point in his life and therefore anything that is typed would be completely random.

Moments later, the screen read: "It was summer. Harry was very angst."

"That's good!" congratulated Hermione. "Especially for having no idea how to use a keyboard! It has the basic plot devices necessary for the opening of a first chapter, plus we have our first grammatical error. It seems that each chapter is required to have at least seven. Now, the author would usually explain why Harry was feeling so angsty, but this doesn't make much sense, as the target audience on fanfiction dot net has read each of the books at _least _once and therefore would just skip over the explanation anyway. So we'll just do this instead."

After Hermione finished typing something quickly, the screen read, "It was summer. Harry was very angst. We trust you know why."

"Well, there you go," said Hermione. "We got through about as much as most of the stories do in their first chapter, and we did it all in... 12 words. Of course, we didn't get in the seven requisite grammatical errors. But we can make sure to have more next chapter. Chapter 2, of course, must feature all of the following: A letter from each Ron, myself, and Ginny, and a romantic interest for Harry. Because, it seems, if there's one thing that fanfiction writers all agree upon, it's that Harry really ought to be _getting some_. Although there's some controversy over which gender he should be getting it from." At this, Harry blanched and Ginny giggled slightly. "Anyway, to finish up this chapter, all we have to do is write a second author's note that begs shamelessly for reviews as if each of them were able to be redeemed at Gringott's for 10 galleons." Ron perked up at the mention of galleons. "They're not really," clarified Hermione patiently. "We just have to act as though they are."

Between the four of them, they came up with the following author's note:

"A/N: We are pleased that you read our story to this point. We apologize for the short chapter length. But we're not going to update unless we get at least 3 reviews. Even though we have nothing better to do at the moment than write this fanfiction. If we need to, we'll just write the next chapter, and simply not upload it. Yes. That's what we'll do if we don't get enough reviews."

A/N (from the actual author): Um. Well. That was interesting from my perspective at least. Let me know whether or not you think this idea's worth continuing. I know that there's some other stories out there that have the gang making fun of fanfiction, but I thought this would still be worth putting out there. But it doesn't matter what I think, what I really want to know is what everybody else thinks.


	2. Developing a Love Interest

A/N: Wow! 6 reviews. I wonder if that's just because I had Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny threaten you all about them. Oh, and I would just like to point out that I would have updated whether I got the 3 reviews or not. It was Harry and company that gave the ultimatum. And I'm sure I could have figured out some way to work around that if I didn't get the reviews. But I definitely do appreciate the reviews, although I'm going to allow Harry and his friends to respond to them instead of me, 'cause I think that would be more fun.

Chapter 2: Developing a Love Interest for Harry

The next evening, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione were once again gathered around Hermione's magical computer. Hermione yelped with happiness over having received reviews. "Wow," she said, "our first review! What a momentous... moment. Okay, what we need to do now is write an author's note in which we thank all the people who reveiwed. Perhaps if we respond to each reviewer individually, it will make everyone feel special, and then maybe more people will be willing to review in the future."

Between the four of them, they came up with the following authors' note.

A/N: Thanks to all of our reviewers. We're thrilled that people seem to want us to update, so we'll oblige. But first, we'll respond to our reviewers:

Junius: Our first reviewer! Thanks very much and... we're going to assume that "whiggidy whack" is a compliment. Maybe.

Grangerlovesweasley: Thanks for the review, we're glad you think it's funny.

xXxThe Coldness of LovexXx: Is one day for an update soon enough?

princess sparkle808: Thanks, we hope Harry's romantic interest in this chapter works for you.

Rupertlover14: Thanks for the e-cookie. Ron just ate it. He said it was very good.

Granny Adams: Wow, what a nice review, thanks for that. Especially since we're sure that "hysterical" is a compliment, even though "Whiggidy Whack" might not be. We hope this chapter's up to snuff as well.

"So, yeah. Now Harry's got to get letters from Ron and I. Which will just happen to come on the same day because it will be easier to write that way. And, of course, on that very same day, Ginny will write to Harry. Even though she's never written to him before. Because that makes sense. Really," explained Hermione. "Speaking of things that make sense, it is also necessary for us to give Harry several character traits that he has never exhibited before, such as increased studiousness."

"All right, so how's this for the beginning of the chapter?" asked Harry as he began to type:

"Harry was sitting on his bed working on... some homework assignment. Even though he didn't technically know which classes he would be taking during the next year because he hadn't yet gotten his O.W.L. scores back yet. Harry decided to start working on the homework assignments anyway because he had decided to become more studious. Harry wasn't sure why this was, but he had. Then, he got a letter from Hermione."

Ginny scoffed. "What the hell kind of a transition is that?" she asked. "There's got to be some kind of logical link between doing the homework and getting a letter from Hermione, otherwise it just doesn't make any sense. Guess you don't read a lot of novels do you?" Ginny, of course, did read novels because the author feels that this would be a convenient way for Ginny to know something about writing.

"No, actually, I think we're all right to leave it how it is," stated Hermione. "Most of the stories on the website are lacking in transitions as well. Actually, considering some of the other stuff on there, lacking transitions is a pretty minor flaw. It seems that most of the authors simply don't have the _time _to deal with the finer literary devices such as transitions. Or complete sentences. But then they expect people to actually take the time to read and review their stories. Actually rather ironic, I think, but it seems to be part of the rules of this whole fanfiction thing."

"Good then," said Harry. "It's pretty weird writing about myself in the third person... But I think we might as well let Hermione write the letter from her."

"Okay," said Hermione, "that'll work." She began to type, reading aloud as she did.

"Harry opened the note and began to read.

'Dear Harry,

You know that all of us are here for you to write to if you need to talk about anything. I'm currently on holiday with my parents in France, so that's where Hedwig got this letter from. In the middle of July, we'll be coming back and then I'm going to visit at Ron's house. That's three weeks from now, so hopefully by that time you'll be at the Burrow too. I hope the muggles are treating you well. Remember to write to either me or Ron if you need to talk about Sirius. I know that Ron might not be too good at expressing his feelings, but he really is here for you too.

Love, Hermione.'"

Hermione looked up from the screen at the others, obviously pleased with herself.

(A/N (from Gryffindor 777, not Harry or any of the others): Oh, and now would probably be a good time to clarify that Harry did not feel a pang of sadness when he heard Hermione mention Sirius as she was reading aloud what she was typing. Harry was now mostly over Sirius' death, and was now feeling only a healthily righteous anger about it that would help motivate him to defeat Voldemort. This development is due largely to the fact that I would not have published this story as a humor/parody if I wanted to deal with the psychological complexities of Harry getting over his grief. Let's just say that his mourning process had involved a very emotional talk with Dumbledore, or Lupin, or some strong adult character, and also involved some rather strong potions of a psychiatric nature. That's right. Wizards' prozac.)

"Works for me," Harry said, as Ginny and Ron nodded in agreement.

"Plus, I got one of our necessary grammatical errors in!" exclaimed Hermione.

"You _what_?" asked Ron, exceptionally surprised.

"You're kidding!" opined Harry, "where is it?"

"Yeah," said Hermione in the unintentionally condescending voice that she often used when explaining things to Ron and Harry. "It's in the second sentence, it ends with a preposition!"

Ron snorted. "I didn't even know that was a rule. Geez Hermione, you can't even write a decent grammatical error if you're _trying _to! By the way, what's with you talking for me in the letter? I thought we were going to have me write to him, too?"

"Oh, yeah," said Hermione, "sorry about that, but I forgot to tell you one of the rules of year six fanfiction. You see, Ron, your character is required to have the emotional maturity of a newborn skrewt."

"A skrewt, huh? Pretty harsh. And why's that one of the rules?" asked Ron somewhat defensively.

"Well, it's not too far from the truth, is it?" asked Ginny, who then looked away as Ron shot her an angry look.

"Anyway," said Ron, "I'll type my note now." Ron had learned how to type in the interum between the first chapter and this one, as the author had decided it would be a lot easier if Ron could type his own contributions. Just for the record, to clear this up ahead of time, Ginny also knows how to type. She's just good like that.

"Right, just remember to include the following plot devices that seem to be required by fanfiction law to be included in Ron's first note in any sixth year fanfiction: You've got to mention the Chudley Cannons (preferably misspelled if you can manage it), call Dudley a git, and make a blundering attempt to comfort Harry about Sirius' death. Don't worry, you're not actually supposed to succeed in comforting him, nor am I. That's up to whoever we decide Harry's romantic interest is going to be," Hermione explained.

Ron began to type, and read aloud as he made progress,

"Then, another owl, a rather worthless one, of an unbelievably overexcited disposition, flew through the window as well. It was carrying two letters. The first that caught Harry's eye was one from Ron, which he then read. It said,

'Harry,

I hope that git Dudley and the rest of the Muggles are treating you okay. I also hope that you realize that you can always talk to either me or Hermione about Sirius' death if you want to. I hope you realize that it wasn't your fault. But... maybe we shouldn't dwell on only this subject, I'm sure you're thinking about it enough already. So, something else to talk about... Well, the Cuddly Canons aren't doing too well this year so far, but maybe you'll be able to come to a match when you come over to visit. I heard Mum and Dad talking, and you should be able to come over soon. Anyway, I hope you're all right until then. Oh, and Ginny's sending a letter with Pig as well, so it should probably be there now as well, unless stupid Pig dropped it. Which I wouldn't doubt.

From,

Ron.'"

"All right then. Not bad, " said Hermione. "Now... before we write Ginny's letter, we need to decide something. We've got to figure out what the 'pairings' are going to be for this story. A lot of the stories on fanfiction dot net have Harry going out with Ginny. And if we're going to go that way, we probably want to start that in this letter. So, what do you guys think?"

"But, I'm going out with Dean," said Ginny somewhat confusedly. In all actuality, she would have loved to be paired with Harry, whether in their fanfiction story or in real life. But she had gotten used to the facts that Harry was too clueless to figure that out and she was pretty sure that he didn't like her anyway.

"That's not a problem," Hermione said, making a brushing aside movement with her hand in the air. "All the fanfiction writers know that, but none of them seems to have any qualms about having your relationship with Dean end for one reason or another."

"Well... what are the other options?" asked Harry, who had actually started over the past few days to question privately the possibility that he might have feelings for Ginny after all. He figured writing a story that involved him and Ginny going out would only bring this question to the forefront of his mind, which would only make things awkward considering the fact that she was going out with Dean.

"Well," said Hermione hesitantly, "Some of them have you going out with me or Cho."

Ron's head had snapped up at the idea of writing about Harry and Hermione going out. "I don't think we should do the pairing with you and Harry," he said, somewhat too quickly. "I mean," he said, "it just seems like the match would be a bit off." He coughed uncomfortably in an attempt to cover the awkward silence that followed this statement.

"Yeah," agreed Harry, who was making quite an effort to not act actively grossed out about the idea of himself and Hermione dating. She was his friend, that was all. Plus he had rather expected that Ron and Hermione would eventually start going together. "And me and Cho's a terrible idea too. Unless we want this entire story to be about her crying at me. And that doesn't sound like a good idea. The only reason I liked her in the first place was because she's good looking. And plenty of other girls fulfill that criterion."

"Well... you're not going to like the other most popular options either..." she said. However, as Harry gave her a facial expression which clearly said, "try me!" she continued tentatively. "Well, Harry and Snape is quite popular. As is Harry and Malfoy." She had to say the last sentence over the gagging noises coming from Harry, Ron, and Ginny, and when she said Malfoy's name, Harry protested verbally.

"That's insane! Where do they come up with that stuff?" he asked, his face having turned pale.

"What can I say, fanfiction writers are pretty twisted as a group... In fact, Snape and I are also a pretty popular pairing, and I've seen Malfoy paired with Ron, Ginny, or myself as well," she herself seemed rather embarassed to even mention this.

"Right, well... I'd _much_ rather be paired with Ginny than Malfoy. What d'you say Ginny?" asked Harry.

"Erm, even though that's not much of a compliment, I'd also choose you over Malfoy any day," Ginny laughed.

"Good then," said Hermione. "Now, just to warn everyone, most stories that have Harry going out with Ginny also have me paired with Ron. But we can make that decision next chapter. I think we should end this chapter with Harry reading Ginny's note. So, remember, Ginny, this letter should include some excessive romanctic tendencies, and should also put you in the position of giving Harry some tough love to make sure he isn't beating himself up too much about Sirius' death. Plus, you need to mention completely out of the blue that you and Dean broke up. You should also put in at least one typo and a grammatical error, as we're still abysmally behind in keeping up with our quota on those. D'you think you can manage writing a convincing love letter to Harry?" asked Hermione, smiling knowingly at Ginny.

Ginny smiled back. "I think I'm up to that," said Ginny, and then began to type.

Dear Harry,

I've started to miss you already, even though we've only been out of school for a couple of weeks. Somehow I just can't bear to be away from those beautiful green eyes. But I know you've got bigger problems than I do write now. I hope your dealing well with Sirius' death. I know he meant a lot to you, and I am by no means trying to deny you your right to mourn him. It'd be an insult to his memory for you not to. But it'd also be an insult to his memory for you to dwell on it too much. Especially if you're feeling guilty over it, which I have a feeling you might be. How would I know that? Well, as you have a convenient tendency to forget, my mind was controlled in a way similar to the way yours was. And I hurt people too. I almost killed Hermione and several other people! Should I feel guilty for that? I don't think I should, because believe me, for the first year or so after, I felt really guilty about it, and I came to realize that that was a huge waste of time. You can't afford to allow yourself to be distracted by your grief. You just can't afford it, now that He-Whose-name-I'd-really-rather-not-put-in-writing is on the rise again and everything. And your friends need you too. Hermione, Ron, and me all need you to be yourself instead of some guilt-stricken remnant. So, I hope that by the time you come here (which should be soon), you've gotten yourself down to a healthy mourning level. And if you have trouble doing that, you can always come to me and talk about it. I know that I've been a little blunt in this letter, but I really can be sympathetic too. It's just that I figure you're probably getting enough of that from Ron and Hermione. Anyway, we can write to each other or else you could wait until we can talk in person. On a completely different note, Dean and I broke up for reasons that I'm still not clear on but which probably have something to do with the fact that I never really gave him my full attention while I was seeing him. I have a certain other crush that I'm still hoping to pursue eventually. In conclusion, you can feel free to send a response straight away, and Ron would probably like on too. You can send it back with Pig assuming he'll stay in one spot long enough for you to tie it to his leg, or you can send it with Hedwig. I eagerly await your response.

Much love,

Ginny.

Ginny nodded to herself in a satisfied manner. "I Think that should do it," said Ginny.

"Yeah, that shoud about wrap up this chapter, I think. Now if we just slap on a final author's note, we should be done with our second chapter!" exclaimed Hermione.

After a few minutes of collaboration, they produced the following author's note, with Hermione typing:

"A/N: Wow, 6 reviews for chapter 1. Well, theoretically, that should be enough reviews to get us to write the next chapter too. But we'd still like some more reviews... What can we offer in exchange for reviews? Ooooh, Ron has just promised to perform an erotic dance if we get 5 more reviews for this chapter. None of the rest of us quite understand _why _he's offered to do this, although we think he may have forgotten that the reviews really _can't_ be exchanged for galleons at Gringott's, but we're not going to remind him again. Unfortunately, you personally will not be able to see the dance if it happens, but we promise a play-by-play in the next author's note."

A/N from Gryffindor777: All right, that chapter was pretty long to write... but still lots of fun. This is so much more fun than my other story, but I still intend to continue that one as well. (By the way, I've decided that I'm not above putting forth a shameless plug for my own story, so you should all feel free to go to my author's page and click on "Harry Potter and the Coming War." I rather like it, even though it does contain some of the more benign plot-devices that I make fun of in this parody. Oh well.) By the way, if it turns out that you don't want to read about Ron dancing, I don't want that to discourage you from reviewing, so if you just mention in your review that you don't want him to dance, your review won't be counted toward the five required. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	3. Arrival At the Burrow

A/N: Well, thanks to all those who reviewed. And, for anyone who is less than enthused about reading about Ron Weasley attempting to perform and erotic dance, I suggest that you proceed with caution, because chapter two barely squeaked by, getting exactly the five reviews necessary to force Ron to live up to his end of the bargain. I tried to stop it, but Hermione was rather insistent. Anyway... read on, if you dare.

Chapter 3:

Arrival At the Burrow

Ron was looking around nervously, Hermione had an excited gleam in her eye (that's right, just the one of them... the left one, actually), and Harry and Ginny were looking awkwardly at each other as if they weren't sure they should be here for this.

"We got five reviews!" squealed Hermione. "That must mean we're writing this correctly! I just love getting reviews. Plus, we get to see Ron do an erotic dance now."

Ron looked around nervously some more.

"But first, let us respond to our wonderful reviewers," suggested Hermione. So, they did.

A/N: Jessica L'Rynn: Thanks for the review. We would've gotten back to you last chapter, but we posted chapter 2 just before we got your review. (Also, Gryffindor777 would like to register that he's a bit confused about what you mean by having the characters do something that they would enjoy in character, but wonders whether the Harry/Ginny combination counts?)

grangerlovesweasley: yes, it's rather too bad that you can't actually see Ron do the dance... but we'll give you the play-by-play.

princess sparkle: Ron would like to answer your question personally and register that he must've been more sleep-deprived than he had realized when he agreed to the dancing, and he's now feeling rather anxious about it. (Gryffindor777 says that he was considering having Fred and George come over to cause some literary mischief in a later chapter, does this suit?)

GrannyAdams: We're glad that we succeeded in making you feel special and also, apparently, encouraging you to review again. Thanks for saying it's brilliant, and we can assure you that the plot will only continue to regress as it gets less and less realistic in future chapters.

RupertGrintLover14 (read her review if you want this next part to make sense...): We were enjoying the e-monkey quite nicely until the e-zookeeper showed up. We tried to tell him that he had just been hanging around like you said, but the zookeeper found this a rather odd story for him to hear in Britain. So Mr. Weasley had to modify his memory, but now everything's good. And we're allowed to keep the e-monkey.

RubberDuckiesofDoom: Thanks for the review (Gryffindor777 would like to add that he just reread your Truth or Dare Parody and still thinks it's brilliant and that anybody reading this story should definitely also go read that one. He also hopes that this makes up for the fact that he makes fun of the Lily/Ginny similarity, which you seem to be a fan of, in this chapter.)

Now then: The moment that at least three of you have been waiting for: Ron does an erotic dance. Now to begin the play by play, which I, Hermione, am typing hurriedly as I watch the dance: Ron gets up, looks around nervously (this is becoming a habit with him as of late). He then fixes a gaze which he seems to think is alluring on nobody in particular and sort of starts... gyrating. Yeah, that's the best word I can come up with to describe it. And he's moving his hips around in a rather odd manner. Well... it's not sexy, but it's about the funniest thing I've ever seen. Ron now seems to be contemplating whether or not he should try taking off his shirt to make the dance more erotic. At this point, Harry and Ginny each exit the room, looking mildly grossed out. The e-monkey politely excuses itself as well. Ron slowly removes his shirt in a way which is still no more sexy than the rest of the dance has been, but which is still very amusing. Oooh. Wow. I think he's done."

As Hermione stopped typing the authors' note, Harry and Ginny reentered the room while Ron put his shirt back on considerably faster than he had taken it off. It didn't seem as if it was necessarily a wise move for him to be putting on more clothes at this point, as he had turned red and was looking exceptionally sweaty, but that was probably due to embarassment more than heat.

"Well, that was... entertaining," said Hermione somewhat derisively. "But we did get our 5 reviews out of it. Which I'm very happy about."

"Yeah, we could tell," said Ron, echoing Hermione's derisive tone because the author can't think of another appropriate tone for him to use.

"We should think of something else we could offer for more reviews," said Hermione conspiratorially.

"Whoa, ease up there," said Ron, who didn't notice that he sounded like a cowboy because he was gearing up for an argument, and unfortunately never thought too well whenever he was about to launch into an argument. "We haven't even started this chapter and you're already thinking of the reviews! You've become a review-Nazi!"

"What? I have not!" countered Hermione, "I simply like to get feedback!"

"Look, why don't you two settle your differences later?" asked Harry curiously. "We've got a chapter to write tonight! What's the agenda for this one, Hermione?"

"Well, the first thing we've got to do in this chapter is to get Harry to the Burrow from the Dursleys' house. Now, I've seen this done in a number of ways. For instance, the Dursley's could be killed in a close shave for Harry, in spite of the protection that Dumbledore is so confident that Harry has while he's at that house. Or, Molly Weasley could be so desperate to see Harry happy that she would actually contradict Dumbledore's obvious wish to keep Harry at his relatives' house for a portion of the summer, and she could go rescue him herself."

Harry seemed to be about to say something, but was cut off when Hermione started speaking again. "However, as neither of these scenarios seem to me to be convincing in the least, I think we ought to just have Dumbledore say that it's okay for Harry to come to the Burrow about two weeks after he gets the letters from last chapter."

Harry looked slightly put out by the announcement that he would not be allowed to write about the Dursleys dying after all, but didn't argue. Hermione said, "So, why don't you start this chapter, Harry? Write up to the point when you arrive at the Burrow, and remember to include a typo or two, but not any adequate transitions. You should probably jump the story right up to the day where the Weasleys come to get you. And remember to write something about your unnaturally passionate developing love interest toward Ginny. At this stage in the pre-relationship, most fanfictions tend to have you as very reluctant to show your feelings, afraid that she won't like you back, and interested in her mostly for her looks and Quidditch abilities. Fanfiction writers seem to think that you're a fairly shallow bloke, when it comes to love, although your choice of Cho as your first romantic interest may give them some justification for this."

"Yeah, I think I've got this under control," said Harry. "Last night, I had some trouble falling asleep, so I glanced over some fanfictions as well. I think I'll be able to mimic their style pretty well."

Harry started to type.

"Due to laziness on the part of the authors, nothing worth writing about occurred over the next several days, until the day when the Weasleys, with Dumbledore's consent, would come to get Harry. Harry was so excited to see Ginny that he had nearly forgotten that Ron lived at the Burrow too.

Harry had been thinking a lot about Ginny lately, and had been writing to her constantly over the previous days. Basically, they managed to respond to each other's letters at least twice daily, even though neither Pigwidgeon nor Hedwig was actually able to deliver letters quite that fast between Little Whinging and Ottery St. Catchpole.

Ginny was, a great friend for Harry, and he rather wondered why he hdn't noticed it before. He was also beginning to remember that Ginny was very attractive, although he had not quite realized it before (if you're wondering how he could have remembered this without having realized it in the first place, you're not alone). As he counted down the minutes to the time when the Weasley's were scheduled to come to pick him up (that time was 6 pm, and the author would have mentioned this before but declined to do so on the grounds that it might look too much like a transition) he thought about what he admired about Ginny.

Well, first there was her beautiful red hair. And her cute freckles, and her deep brown eyes. Plus, she was very good at Quidditch. At this point in his mental appraisal, Harry realized with a start that brown eyes, red hair, freckles, and Quidditch abilities were traits that also applied to Ron, and therefore compensated by thinking about Ginny's more uniquely feminine features. This topic shall not be explored in greater detail at the moment as there are females currently present in the room, as well as Ginny's brother.

Then, the Weasleys came and whisked Harry away to the Burrow. Just like that. Unfortunately, the Dursleys were not in any way wounded in the process."

"Yes, yes, that should do it," agreed Hermione. "Now then. Ginny might as well type the next bit, as it will be mostly about her anyway. The most important part of this chapter is this first meeting between Harry and Ginny after their long separation of... well, it was only about a month, but we're obligated to be melodramatic about it anyway. At any rate, this section has to include a comparison between Ginny and Lily, or between Ginny and Mrs. Weasley. Maybe we can get extra credit for comparing her to both in one story! I suppose the reason for these comparisons is that there's really not all that much characterization of Ginny in the books (A/N from Gryffindor777: that's right, they've read the books too (except Ron, who doesn't go for that type of thing). I mean, why not, it's no less realistic than having them post fanfiction, right?) and so the authors have to compensate by characterizing her through comparisons to others. Speaking of Molly Weasley, by the way, she has to show herself in a very motherly roll toward Harry in this scene, and should also naturally realize that Harry needs to date Ginny to help him get over Sirius. The fanfiction-author consensus on this seems to be that Molly will be perfectly okay with Ginny wooing Harry, even if it means, as it usually seems to, that she's going to have to wear provocative clothing to do so. Remember, Harry's got to be semi-perverted in this chapter. And, by the way, in order to make the comparison between Lily and Ginny more obvious, it is perfectly acceptable to change Ginny's eye color to green."

"But that doesn't even make sense, I just mentioned in the last part how I love her beautiful deep brown eyes!" exclaimed Harry. "I mean, I mentioned how the _fictional version_ of me likes Ginny's brown eyes. The opinions of the fictional Harry do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the real Harry. I mean, me. Crap, now I can't _stop _speaking in the third person."

For the sake of tact, Hermione decided to let Harry's verbal slip slide and simply clarified, "It doesn't have to make sense. Fanfictions don't have to have internal logic. In fact, I'm not sure that they're even allowed to. Oh, and Ginny, see if you can put in at least two typoes."

"Okay," Ginny said, as she sat behind the keyboard, "listen to this:

Without any proper transition, Harry was back at the Burrow where he was quickly embraced by Ginny. She was, of course, whering... well, not much as it turned out. She had on very short shorts and a sleeveless shirt that left her midriff exposed. And, it practically goes without saying that these clothes were very fashionable. This is realistic because it makes sense that even though her family did not have enough money to buy her decent robes, or first-hand school-books, they would _definitely _have enough money to go out to the mall and buy her sexy muggle outfits. Speaking of sexy muggle outfits, Harry's mother, Lily Evans, had been a sexy muggle-_born_, and it just so happened that Ginny looked _exactly like her._ Even down to her eyes which Harry, upon further reflection, noticed were green instead of brown. Harry, being a pervert, was very pleased with Ginny's choice of clothing and immediately began to think impure thoughts about her. Harry probably also noticed that Ginny looked exactly like his mother, but didn't seem to care about the fact that Freud would have called all of this a classic example of the Oedipal Complex-"

"Wait a minute," Ron interrupted. "What the Hell's an Edible Complex?"

"It's "Oedipal" and it means that Harry wants to have sex with his mum," Hermione attempted to explain quickly.

Harry, who apparently also had not heard about Oedipus or his complex, looked horrified.

"On a sub-conscious level," soothed Ginny. "I was just making fun of how fanfiction writers have you being attracted to a gril who looks like your mum."

"But, you don't look like my mum," Harry attempted to defend himself.

"In fanfiction I do," reminded Ginny.

"Oh, that's right," remembered Harry.

"Anyway, carry on," commanded Hermione.

"Okay," continued Ginny,

"Speaking of Ginny resembling people's mothers, she also quite resembled her own mother, although not on a physical level. If she had, it would have been rather horrifying for Harry to see her in the outfit she was wearing. No, she was like Molly Weasley on a psychological level. And on the level that she would someday grow up to have a whole slew of kids.

And while we're on the topic of Molly and her kids, this would be a splendid time to explain Mrs. Weasley's reaction to Ginny's outfit and newfound habit of embracing Harry for long periods of time (it had already been 20 seconds and she was showing absolutely no sign of letting go). Her attitude toward the matter, of course, was to be very glad that Ginny was giving Harry what he needed. And of course, what Harry needed basically amounts to scantily clad young ladies hugging him. And what Ginny needed, reflected Molly, was to have a large number of children. And what better father for this large number of children than Harry Potter? Molly simply hoped that she could convince Harry to marry her daughter once he got her pregnant.

That's right, Molly in no way objected to prostitooting her daughter. Which is why it was pretty convenient that Ginny was rather experienced in this area, having dated pretty much every (non-Weasley) male Quidditch player at the school. Except for the Slytherins, because she just can't bring herself to date Slytherins. Not even in a fanfiction."

Ginny looked up. "How's that then?" she asked.

"Splendid. And I think that'll do it for tonight," Hermione said. "You see, our entry's already going to have over 700 words of text, not including author's notes, and if we make the chapters short, we'll get more reviews!"

"You _are _a review Nazi!" accused Ron. "And I thought we were supposed to start going out this chapter?"

"We're not dating this chapter because you called me a review-Nazi. And your erotic dance was also rather less alluring than I had hoped!" shouted Hermione. They exited the room, off to have another one of their famous Ron and Hermione arguments.

"So, I guess that leaves us to write the author's note then, eh?" asked Ginny, smiling.

"It would seem so," said Harry. "You were pretty harsh on yourself in your writing," he commented.

"Yeah, I've learned not to take myself too seriously. It's rather impossible to take oneself too seriously when one is constantly being the butt of one of Fred and George's practical jokes," said Ginny.

"So you haven't really dated every Quidditch player at the school?" he asked with mock-relief.

"Nope, and I'm not even really a prostitute," she confided. "I'm really rather charmingly chaste."

"That's good to know," joked Harry. Really, this girl was funny, charming, _and _didn't look like his mother in real-life. He considered again that he might in fact be developing a crush on her. But, there were more pressing matters at hand. There was another author's note that didn't appear to be writing itself. So, they gave in and decided that they would write it instead.

A/N: All right, after the little fiasco that just occurred with Ron, neither of us are stupid enough to offer anything in exchange for reviews. But, we still rather hope you review, if for no other reason than to appease Hermione. Remember, it's all okay for you out there reading about this on the internet, but we've actually got to live with her here for the rest of the summer, and she really is becoming rather dependent on her review-fix. So, come on!

A/N (from Gryffindor777): Right, well, I just hope I'm not offending anybody, and that nobody feels that I'm infringing on their stories by making fun of a concept that is included in a story of theirs. For instance, I have seen a story where Ginny has lots of kids, but I feel that this is justified enough by the books for me to use it as well, especially since I'm using the idea in such a different way than the person who used it in their story, which was not meant as a parody. I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong here, as all of this is fanfiction and none of the ideas are really our own anyway. But if someone thinks I'm impinging on their creative territory, they should let me know via e-mail and if you make a decent case, I'll remove the offensive reference. Although I think this might take away from any possible creative integrity I have managed to accrue. Oh well. Anyway, I'm glad I'm getting reviews on this, although I think it's weird how many more reviews per chapter I'm getting for this than on my Sixth Year fic even though this one's so much easier and fun to write. Thanks to everyone who has read up to this point and is now (hopefully) thinking of something to write in a review.


	4. Ron and Hermione

A/N: Wow, lot's of reviews. Thanks everyone! Anyway, I'm trying to finish up this chapter quick so I can upload it tonight (don't ask me why, but the beginning author's note is always one of the last steps for me) so, without further ado, here's the next chapter:

Chapter 4:

Ron and Hermione

Hermione's eyes were slightly glazed over as she looked at the review-screen. "Wow, 15 reviews for this chapter!" she exclaimed. She began to type the authors' note.

A/N: Wow... lot's of reviews. But not too many to still respond individually, so here we go.

Leafy Rose: Thanks, we thought it'd be fun to work as a team.

Mrs. Sirius Black: Heh, thanks. Good typoes, by the way.

Priestess of Dan: Um... we can assure you that Harry is _not _a mime.

Mimbulus: Well, if you like stories that make sense, you must be terribly disappointed with this one. Sorry : )

Ashvaultrose: I am _not _addicted to reviews. Although they are very nice.

IrishLadyNight: Thanks, you're lovely too. (Gryffindor777 would like to state that he realizes in retrospect that the apology for making fun of people's stuff was probably unnecessary, but doesn't feel like changing it now.)

vaguelyamused: thanks for the review, and Ginny's glad you liked her psychobabble.

LizzieisBizzie: Yes, I did enjoy watching Ron dance...

Threatenedwriter: thanks, and we don't intend to stop soon.

Grangerlovesweasley: We're glad you like it, and we definitely will keep going (see below).

Cassiopeia: We're glad you like it, and good luck with your story too.

RupertLover14: Yes! e-ham!

princesssparkle808: Thanks, we had hoped it was funny.

voicesinmyhead12: Thanks, we tried to be very thorough in the aspects of fanfiction we include. But we're not done yet! (:Evil grin.)

Rubber-duckiesofdoom: Ginny says thanks and is glad it struck you as "awesomeful." ; )

Hermione, much appeased by the flattering number of reviews she received, was now ready to continue with the story.

"Right," she said, assuming the authoritative tone that she took whenenever there were potential reviews to be earned, "this chapter is one of the most decisive yet. In fact, the most decisive yet. Which isn't saying much since it's only the fourth chapter. But still, it's going to be big!"

"Hermione, stop. You scare me when you're like this!" commented Ron.

"Then you scare entirely too easily!" revealed Hermione, who then laughed maniacally. The reason that she laughed maniacally is that she doesn't really seem like a person who would laugh maniacally on a regular basis, and the author is of the opinion that a good maniacal laugh is good for a person every once in awhile. Which is why the author is laughing maniacally now.

"Whatever," said Ron. "I think I should get to take a turn typing this chapter because I didn't get to take one last chapter, and if I don't type again soon, then it's going to make me feel like I learned how to type the other day for no reason at all."

"Okay, Ron. We'll let you type the start of the chapter. But first, we need to talk strategy. This chapter is important, so we can't go into it unprepared."

"Hermione," said Harry bracingly, "this is _not _important. It's fanfiction. And if you don't calm down, we're going to have to put you into fanfiction rehab. And we don't want to have to do that."

Harry glanced at Ron and Ginny, who nodded in support. They had had a talk earlier this evening about how Hermione seemed to be getting unhealthily addicted to reviews. They were contemplating whether or not they'd need to stage an intervention.

"All right," said Hermione, in a voice of forced calm. "Anyway, what we've got to do is to thicken the plot. There are a number of ways to do this. For instance, we could discover that someone is related to someone who they had never been related to before. Like, it could turn out that I'm McGonnogal's daughter or something. Even though that would mean that I was not muggle-born and this would take away a _major _part of my personality. Muggle-born shmuggle-born, fanfiction writers say! Of course, this would help to make the Draco/me pairing more believable, although I've never actually seen the two scenarios in the same story. Anyway, about the new relatives thing, I should make it clear that me being related to a pureblood is not the only option. Any character could turn out to be related to any other character, including characters whom the fanfiction author recently made up. These relations need not give any consideration to age. For instance, it is perfect acceptable for Lupin to be Sirius' son, even though they were in the same year. Or, Lily could be Dumbledore's nephew, because the newfound relations don't have to recognize gender boundaries either. Fanfiction writers are very forward thinking, as a group."

"Um... that sounds stupid," said Ginny. "What are our other options?"

"Well... a lot of people seem to like to give Harry new powers. These new powers could include wandless magic, ability to talk to animals, and the ability to tame wildflowers, although the new powers should in no way be limited to these options. Harry's new powers should not be limited by anything," clarified Hermione.

"Well... even though that's rather stupid as well, it's better than the last one. Let's do that," suggested Harry.

"Are you sure? The other most popular choice is to make Severus Snape realize the error of his ways and decide that he really wants to be Harry's friend after all," said Hermione.

"Well, I don't want to be his," countered Harry. "Not even in a fanfiction."

"Yeah, I aggree with Harry," agreed Ron, who didn't care how redundant that just sounded. Ginny nodded in approval.

"All right then," said Hermione. "Go ahead, Ron."

"Oh, by the way, can I do a disclaimer? We haven't done one of those in awhile," stated Ron.

"Okay," agreed Hermione.

Ron typed

"Disclaimer: We do not own any of J.K. Rowling's characters and do not intend to make any profit off of them...

Reclaimer: On second thought, we do own ourselves. But we're still not in this for profit. Apparently, we just really like reviews."

"Whatever," said Hermione, trying to ignore that Ron was somewhat making fun of her with his last comment. "Just start out by having us wake up on one of the days we're at the Burrow. The plot can thicken from there. And, even though you'll probably make spelling errors without trying, feel free to try to help meet our 7 per chapter quota. We're still behind."

Ron began to type.

"It was a sunny day. They woke up and ate breakfast happily. It was very good."

"No, no no!" said an aggravated Hermione. "You're not writing like a fanfiction writer! Real fanfiction writers don't have the patience to mess with so many adjectives and adverbs. Nobody's going to believe that we're really fanfiction writers, and then they won't review! Just... take out all the adverbs and adjectives, and then keep going."

So, this was what Ron did, because it was best not to argue with Hermione when her voice reached the pitch that it had recently achieved.

The new chapter opener looked like this:

"It was a day. They woke up and ate breakfast. It was. And then it was not. Because they had eaten it."

"Erm... okay. that was enough for me," said Ron, who had recently discovered that his newly acquired typing skills weren't all they were cracked up to be and that he was having to resort to hunting and pecking more often than was convenient. Plus, he didn't really like writing in the first place.

"Fine, all right, I'll take over for a bit," siad Hermione, "I just remembered that this chapter has to include a little bit of development of the Harry/Ginny pairing, and also have Ron and I start to go out. Unless there are any objections to having that in our story?" asked Hermione in a sweet voice which concealed her real intentions. Her real intentions, of course, were to get Ron to inadvertently insult her by objecting to the pairing. And then she would get to argue with him, which was one of Hermione's favorite things to do.

Ron declined to take the bait, as he did not so much enjoy to argue with Hermione. Because Hermione always won. And Ron didn't like to lose. So, he said, "No, no objections. That sounds very nice."

Ginny and Harry simply nodded, a bit disappointedly. They also enjoyed when Hermione and Ron argued, because they thought it was rather amusing.

Hermione began to type.

"After breakfast, Harry and Ginny looked at each other awkwardly-"

"Wait!" exclaimed Ron, "that's an adverb."

"Very good," said Hermione, "I'm glad that you've finally learned your parts of speech." She was still trying to goad him into an argument.

"But we're not allowed to use adverbs!" said Ron.

"No, _you're _not allowed to use adverbs. I am, because I can be trusted to use them

responsibly and sparingly," explained Hermione.

"Oh, whatever," said Ron, rolling his eyes.

Hermione, satisfied that Ron was beginning to get irritated, continued to type.

"The reason that they looked at each other awkwardly was that they had not yet begun to

go out. One would assume that after their very long hug during the previous chapter, they would have been going out. But they weren't, because the author wants to milk this awkward pre-relationship phase for as long as possible.

However, the author finds no reason to drag out the Hermione/Ron relationship because the fanfiction community seems to have reached a consensus that this one will begin before Harry/Ginny. Therefore, Ron and Hermione began to date on the first day that Hermione showed up at the Burrow. Of course, Hermione had to be the one to initiate the relationship, because Ron had forgotten that she was a girl, even though he had seemed to realize this for at least several minutes in fourth year."

Hermione looked around to see the general reaction to what she had just typed. Ron had gone slightly red. "Are you suggesting that I'm too dim to have realized that you're a girl?" asked Ron, finally having had enough of Hermione's barbs.

"Oooh, very good, Ron. Bit quicker on the uptake than usual aren't we?" asked Hermione.

"Hermione, why do you always want to argue with me?" asked Ron, perplexed.

"If you haven't figured _that _out yet, you're really hopeless!" accused Hermione.

The two exited the room again. Ginny and Harry looked at each other, smiling.

"You know, they could at least have the decency to have the argument in the room!" said Ginny.

"Well, it's not as if we won't be able to hear it wherever they have it. They're not exactly subtle," said Harry.

"Very true," agreed Ginny. "But, I guess this means you'll have to get your new powers during the next chapter instead of this one... Looks like this chapter's over."

"Yeah. Let's just slap an author's note on, and find the best place to listen to the rest of Hermione and Ron's argument," suggested Harry.

"Good call. Oh, but we forgot to put in typoes this chapter. Should we go back and change what we've already written?"

"Nah, the quicker we get done with this the better," stated Harry, "I want to hear this argument."

"Fine," said Ginny, "let's just put a bunch in the author's note." She began to type very quickly.

"A/N: Right, sorry about the shoort chapter length. Weer very sorry. Oar, well, I guess that's not very believable. If we were sorry, we'd lengthen the chapter a bit. So, disregard the apology. Just review, or else _you_ tell Hermione why there's no reviews. 'Cause Harry and I certainly don't want to do it."

Ginny quickly uploaded the story, and then they both ran off to find the room where Ron and Hermione were fighting, quite sure that tonight would be the night that the fight finally ended in one of them asking the other out.

A/N from Gryffindor777: Right, hope you liked that. I almost considered feeling pressured to not screw this up because it appears that people are actually reading this story (:surprised gasp:) but then I remembered that this is a parody, and it's supposed to be stupid, so the only way I can really screw it up is to run out of stupid ideas. And I think it'll be several chapters before _that _happens. Still, let me know whether this chapter's good or not, so I know whether I'm still going in the right direction in this story. Either way, it's pretty amusing for me. Thanks to everyone who's read this far!


	5. Things Get Really Angsty

A/N: Well, another night, another chapter. I'm beginning to think I spend too much time at this, but, I didn't have to work today, so I had a lot of free-time, and so I figured I'd write a bit.

Chapter 5:

Things Get Really Angsty

The next night, Harry and Ginny arrived in the computer room previously to Hermione and Ron. When Ron and Hermione came in, Hermione was smiling broadly. And she didn't even run straight to the computer to check whether there were any reviews. Apparently, she had more important things on her mind, which was something that Ginny and Harry were quite relieved about. Maybe she wasn't a review-addict after all.

Hermione cleared her throat importantly. This was when Harry remembered that he and Ginny, although they had overheard Ron ask Hermione out at the end of their argument, had not officially been informed that Ron and Hermione were dating. The four of them hadn't been alone together yet today, and it seemed that Ron wasn't quite ready to tell the rest of his family that he was dating yet.

Anyway, Hermione spoke up and said, "Ron and I are going together now."

Harry and Ginny looked at each other. "Yeah, we know," said Harry simply, figuring there was no reason to deny it.

Hermione looked at him confused. "I mean, we're going out in real life. Not just in the fanfiction."

Harry and Ginny exchanged glances again, and Ginny's eyes seemed to say, "Maybe we're supposed to act surprised?" The author realizes that this is a pretty complex thing for Ginny's eyes to be able to express, but figures that this is the only way for her to get her point across. Unless the author wants to give Harry the power of telepathy. Which the author thinks would be a ridiculous thing to do, even in a parody. So we're just going to assume that Ginny has some very expressive green eyes. Or, wait. Ginny's eyes are brown. But still. _Very _expressive.

So, Harry, apparently agreeing with Ginny's eyes, said, "Oh. We hadn't realized you meant _that_. Congratulations!"

"Yeah, we definitely hadn't seen that coming for the past two years!" claimed Ginny, who was apparently not a very good actress.

Ron and Hermione, however, didn't seem to notice. "Anyway, I suppose that we ought to write our author's note and work on the next chapter," said Hermione unconcernedly.

So, they soon produced the following author's note.

"A/N: Thanks to all of our readers and reviewers, but especially the reviewers. Now for our responses to everyone who reviewed the last chapter.

Rubber-duckiesofdoom: Ron is glad you appreciated the reclaimer. Good luck w/ the audition, by the way.

Hermioneballerina: We're all glad you're enjoying it, also, we hope this chapter satisfies your desire for more Harry-angst.

Tinkerbell: We're glad you liked it. (A/N from Gryffindor777: That line was my favorite of the chapter too.)

ThreatenedWriter: Of course Hermione isn't doing this all herself. In fact, she's not even writing this author's note, this is actually Harry. But we're all glad you think it's funny.

Koryan'shea: We're glad you liked it.

Voicesinmyhead12: We're glad you liked it, and good luck with those voices.

Mimbulus: We're glad this is amusing.

ash vault garden: Well... Hermione appreciates the concern. But she assures you that she's not addicted to reviews. Anymore.

hitchk: we're glad you like it, even if it's not serious.

RupertLover14: Yeah, Ron/Hermione arguments are hilarious. I hope they don't stop now that they're going together.

GrannyAdams: Ron's glad you liked his dance. (Gryffindor777 would like to claim that the chapter really wasn't all that short. 2000 words is not short. Which means that this chapter isn't short either. And even if it is, at least it's a quick update.)

"All right," said Harry. "That should do it for the author's note. What's going on in this chapter?"

"Well, we have to have a little bit more about your shattered emotional state. You've got to be really stand-offish towards everybody, and angry, because that's the only way that fanfiction writers can think to have you express your emotions of sadness. You've also got to be really nervous about telling us all about the prophecy, which you think will drastically change the way we think about you," said Hermione.

Harry's jaw had dropped. "Wait. How do you know about the prophecy? I haven't told you about it yet!" said Harry, surprised.

"We've read the books," said Hermione patiently.

"And, then they told me about them," added Ron, in a voice of total calm.

"But-" Harry sputtered. "Doesn't that frighten you? Or... effect you emotionally in _some _way?"

"Well... Frankly, we're a bit confused as to how it's not old news," clarified Ron.

"What do you mean?" said Harry.

"Well, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (or one of his alter-egos) has attacked you in four out of the past five years. We kind of figured that if he kept going at that rate, at some point one of you would kill the other. And that's all the prophecy said, really. Frankly, we'd have been more surprised if the prophecy had said Snape was going to wash his hair," explained Ginny.

"That's kind of a good point," said Harry, after several moments of reflection.

"So, anyway, at the beginning of this chapter, you've still got to be all angsty, and stand-offish, and have got to find some reason to yell at each me, Ginny, and Ron. Once you've done that, we can have the plot thicken. Which we're _definitely_ going to do this chapter, no matter _how _long it takes," said Hermione. "Oh, and right. When you're talking about the prophecy, remember that the fanfiction community for some reason assumes that you're going to feel really bad about the prospect of "murdering" the Dark Lord. Also, to complement your angst-ridden nature, you can use subtle literary devices like mood-reflecting weather and deaths of small animals, which symbolize the way that you're dying inside."

"I don't much like writing myself as an angry/depressed/angst-ridden fellow... How long do we have to keep this up?" asked Harry.

"Not for too much longer. Probably next chapter, after a paragraph or two more of that nervous romantic tension that fanfiction-writers love so much, Ginny will comfort you and give you a positive outlook on life. She is fully capable to solve any man's problems owing to the famous Weasley temper, which must be included in all fanfictions that even mention Ginny's name, and the fact that she was possessed by Riddle in her first year," stated Hermione.

"Ah, ok. Just so long as I don't have to be depressed for too much longer," said Harry cheerfully. Then, he began to type.

"The weather outside the next morning was lousy, just like Harry's mood. The weather didn't _always _coincide with Harry's mood, only when the author really felt it necessary to communicate that mood to the readers whom the author apparently assumes are really thick-headed. But, in case the reader did not pick up on the subtle weather symbolism, the author will also spell it out for him or her. Harry was, once again, very angst. Or, angsty. Or, angst-ridden. Or something. Anyway, he was in a vary bad mood.

The reason for his bad mood, of course, was the Prophecy, as well as the death of his godfather. The death of his godfather had been like the end of the world for Harry, even though he had only known him for two years and had hardly ever seen him even during that time. Still, when Sirius had died, a large part of Harry had died as well. And, with this stupid prophecy, it didn't seem like it'd take much thyme for the rest of Harry to die as well.

Part of him (the part that wasn't dead yet) felt that it might be a good idea to talk to Ron, Hermione, and Ginny about this prophecy. After all, they'd want to help him in whatever way they could. But, of course, Harry could not allow them to do this. Because he didn't want help. He didn't want to kill Voldemort. Because that would make him a murderer. Even if Voldemort did deserve to die. Deserve it very much in fact. That didn't matter, because according to some _very _deranged logic, even if Harry killed Voldemort in self-defense, it'd still be murder.

Harry was contemplating his bad mood when Ron and Hermione walked in.

"Harry," Ron asked, "is there anything you want to talk to us about?"

Harry emediately began to yell, because, obviously, Ron had crossed a line. "You two don't care about my feelings! Nobody does! You just expect me to do battle with the dark-lord who everybody thought I vanquished when I was a year old and you don't care what it does to me inside! You should all be ashamed!" Harry finished, panting from his excessive use of exclamation marks.

"Er, right," said Ron, as he and Hermione left the room.

Moments later, Ginny came into the room. "I understand what you're going through," said Ginny compassionately, trying very hard to help Harry.

"No you don't! Nobody does! Nobody understands how I feel! Especially, it would seem, the average writer on fanfiction dot net!" screamed Harry.

Ginny left too. Harry, after panting some more from the exclamation marks, went and killed Errol, the Weasley's old owl, to symbolize how he was dying inside."

"Er, well, if nothing else, you got quite a few typoes in there," congratulated Hermione.

"Well, that was pretty exhausting. It's definitely someone else's turn," said Harry.

"I'll have a go," offered Ginny.

"Sounds good," stated Ron.

"All right, just... thicken the plot by giving Harry some new powers. It doesn't much matter what they are exactly since we won't necessarily have to use them in the course of the plot. This is because most fanfiction authors forget about the new powers that Harry acquired over the summer by the time the school year starts. Fanfiction writers do not have very good memories," said Hermione.

So Ginny began to type.

"And then, the plot thickened."

Ginny looked up apologetically. "Wait, that was kind of a transition wasn't it?" she asked.

"Borderline," agreed Hermione. "But don't worry about it. Just be more careful from now on."

Ginny continued to type.

"Harry suddenly realized that he had killed Errol without using his wand. But then he remembered that that wasn't all that impressive considering that the way he had killed the owl was by beating it over the head repeatedly with his broomstick. And let's face it, it doesn't take any special powers to kill an owl with a brumestick, especially if the owl is as decrepit as Url. But after he realized that, he was able to levitate his broomstick back over to his trunk without using his wond to do so. Somewhat amazed at his newfound ability, he then levitated some pillows across the room with a flick of his wrist. Then, he transfigured the pillows into galleons. Also without using a wand. And, after thinking for a moment, he performed a very complex spell which he had never heard of (but knew anyway) to render any magic he performed undetectable by the Ministry, because it simply would not do for him to be kicked out of school this year. Conveniently, this spell also worked retroactively so that the first few spells he performed were also undetected. He was just that good.

His newfound powers took his mind off his angst for a little while. Hence, the weather cleared up a bit, and Pigwidgeon did not have to face an untimely death. Still, his angst was not that far away, and would probably resurface again soon. Because, let's face it, turning pillows into galleons and back again can only entertain someone for a certain amount of time. Probably about five minutes. And after that, his angst would probably come back, and he'd have to be comforted in a far more decisive manner. But, that can wait until next chapter."

"All right, that should do it," stated Hermione. "And bravo on the spelling errors. So, who wants to type the closing authors' note?"

"I'll pass," said Ron, not relishing another round of hunt and peck.

"Why don't you do it, Hermione?" asked Ginny. "You haven't written anything this chapter."

"Okay," said Hermione.

"A/N: Harry, Ginny, my boyfriend Ron (ooh, it's fun to type that), and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. And even though I am no longer addicted to reviews, I still wouldn't mind some... At any rate, we won't keep you waiting long for the next chapter."

A/N (from Gryffindor777): All right, that was fun. When I started writing the chapter, I wasn't sure I even had enough jokes to put in this chapter, but things that I, at least, thought were somewhat amusing kept popping into my head. So, if you've found them somewhat amusing too, I encourage you to review and let me know. And if you don't like it, feel free to tell me that too. Once again, thanks to everyone who's read this far. Because even though this would be fun to write just for myself even if I were not posting it, I have a feeling it'd be harder to justify spending this much time on it if nobody was reading it.


	6. The Weasley Temper

A/N: All right, if you're reading this, it must mean that fanfiction dot net has stopped refusing to allow me to log on. Which would be great, really, as I find it annoying not to be able to log in. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter.

Chapter 6:

The Weasley Temper

Once they had all entered the room to work on their next chapter, Ginny offered to write the author's note and disclaimer.

"A/N Thanks to all of our readers and reviewers, specifically the reviewers for last chapter, each of whom will now be addressed personally in an effort to demonstrate that I've got nothing better to do with my time.

Mimbulus: Yeah... we liked the last chapter too. And, about how happy you are about Ron and Hermione, I would just like to register that you only say that because you don't have to live with them. The two of them are becoming rather annoying to be around now...

koira: We're glad we're amusing. About the congratulations to Ron/Hermione... see above.

voicesinmyhead: Yeah, the angst stuff was more fun to write about than expected.

threatenedwriter: And we're still flattered that you think it's funny.

ashvaultrosegarden: You're request is absolutely the only reason why I'm the one writing this author's note. : )

rubberduckiesofdoom: Yeah, this fic is great to write, and doesn't require too much thought. We're glad you like it anyway though. : )

gigifanfic: Interesting question. We're glad you like it, and will definitely keep it going for a good long time.

Disclaimer: Actually, at the moment, I _am _J.K. Rowling, as I just had Hermione brew some polyjuice potion. Okay, fine. You caught me. That's _not _true. Hermione has refused to mess around with Polyjuice since that incident with the cat's hair. Oh well, guess it's like they always say: "It's all fun and games until someone gets turned into a hairy half-cat mutant."

"That last bit wasn't funny," complained Hermione. "That was a very traumatic experience, that was. Plus, how are Ron and I annoying?"

Ginny said nothing, in spite of the fact that even at that very moment, Ron and Hermione were holding hands even though doing so was completely unnecessary and only served to highlight the fact that they were going out. This annoyed Ginny, because she was never much of a fan of public displays of affection. Especially not when one of the participants was also her brother. And _especially _not when she was wondering just when the hell she was going to get another owl from Dean, who hadn't been responding to her letters. The reason that Dean had not been responding to her letters was that the author is a Ginny/Harry shipper and wants to start the groundwork to bring that about in a future chapter. Although the author does _not _want to ruin the surprise. So, just forget that he said anything about it.

"Right," said Harry, attempting to break the tension even though he too was somewhat annoyed with Hermione and Ron as well, especially as their recent coupling meant that he was the only one of the four of them who was not going out with anyone. "Anyway," he continued, "what're we going to do in this chapter then?"

"Well... one of the reviewers seems to think that summer should be over soon, and I happen to agree. We've spent 5 chapters on it so far. So, I think we should try to get ourselves on the Hogwarts express by chapter 8. Which means that this chapter will be a very busy one. The two major things that we need to accomplish during this chapter are the official beginning of Harry's relationship with Ginny and Harry's birthday party. Let's do the beginning of the relationship first. Ginny, do you want to write that since you're already at the computer?"

"Sure, what are the requirements?" asked Ginny.

"Well... in any fanfiction where Ginny and Harry end up going out, it seems to be necessary to have you stick your elbow in a butter-dish, because all the fanfiction authors seem to have thought that was _hilarious _when it happened in book two. And, apparently, none of them can think of anything more amusing than a butterdish for you to accidentally stick your elbow into. Although, if you can, feel free. Just make sure to stick your elbow _somewhere_ to show how awkward you feel around Harry in this pre-romance phase. And then you're supposed to demonstrate the Weasley temper by yelling at Harry for shutting out everyone who's trying to help him. At this point, to lay some more foundation for Harry's attraction to you, you've got to explain that Harry realizes that you're actually rather sexy when you're angry. _Then _you've got to patiently explain to Harry that he should get on with it and enjoy life because everything that he had ever done was actually the Dark Lor'ds fault fault and so he has nothing to feel bad about. Then, you have to explain how at that moment, Harry realizes what an idiot he's been for not asking you out sooner, after which he asks you out. After that, of course, you kiss, although, according to fanfiction rules, you must use the word "snog" instead of kiss, because fanfiction writers like to show off their limited knowledge of British slang whenever possible."

"Right. Okay then, this should be interesting," said Ginny. She began to type.

"Because Ron and Hermione were dating, Harry and Ginny had more time to spend together. This was convenient, because it allowed Ginny and Harry to feel very awkward one morning when they were eating breakfast together. Or, at any rate, Ginny felt awkward. Harry felt depressed, because that's what he was best at. But that would soon change.

Anyway. Ginny, who always found her elbows to go _totally _out of control when she was around Harry, noticed one of her elbows making its way through the air toward the butter-dish. But she could absolutely _not _allow herself to relive that particular humiliation. So, she jerked her elbow away from the butter-dish forcefully. This had seemed like a good plan, until that same elbow hit Harry in the stomach. Really, she probably should have paid a little more attention to which direction she had been jerking her

elbow.

"What was that for?" asked Harry, who had momentarily forgotten that he was supposed to be depressed.

Ginny decided that apologizing for elbowing Harry in the stomach would make her seem stupid, and she didn't want that. So, she decided to try to pass it off like it had been intentional. "You deserved that for the way you've been shutting everybody out lately. We're your friends, and we're trying to help you. And if you don't let us, that elbowing in the stomach will be nothing compared to what I'll do to you."

"Erm. Well. If you put it that way... help all you want," said Harry uncertainly.

"Okay. What I'm going to tell you now will make you see the error of your ways and show you how stupid you've been for feeling so guilty over Sirius' death. And remember, if it doesn't, then I'm going to beet you up," said Ginny seriously.

"Erm..." Harry repeated. For some reason, Harry was rather turned awn by seeing this flaring of temper from Ginny. Then, he suddenly remembered that he shouldn't be turned on yet because Ginny had not yet comforted him, so he should be too busy being depressed to be turned on.

"Harry," began Ginny, "you should not feel guilty about Sirius' death, because Sirius' death was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's fault. So was Cedric's death, if you're still on about that. And so are the countless other deaths that will surely take place before He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is caught, just to preempt you feeling bad for any of those," added Ginny cheerfully.

"Thanks Ginny, that helped much more than would be realistically plausible and actually cured me of my angst. It rather makes sense that you would be the one to cheer me up, even though I'm much closer with Ron and Hermione, and... most of the other Gryffindor's in my year now that I think of it. It must be because of your Weasley temper, which you inherited from your mother even though she was not a Weasley until she married your father, who has no noticeable temper at all," said Harry.

At that moment, of course, Harry realized that he should ask Ginny to start going with him. He rather wondered why he had not done that before, considering that he had realized that he liked her all the way back in chapter 2. It must have been because he is charmingly okkward around girls in spite of the fact that he is famous, good-looking, and very skilled at Quidditch.

Harry said, "Hey, Ginny... Do you want to go out with me?"

Ginny, instead of answering, simply snogged him, partially because she couldn't think of anything effective to say and partially because she had been waiting for five years to snog him and thus wasn't going to delay the event any longer than necessary.

"I'll take that as a yes," grinned Harry. "Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry I killed Errol. I'll buy you guys a new owl."

"We're not angry that you killed Errol. It's not your fault, you know. Clearly, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named made you do it," comforted Ginny.

"What? No, he didn't. That was my fault. Not _everything_ I do is Voldemort's fault," countered Harry.

"Don't be silly," said Ginny. "Of course it is. And don't say the name. But, of course, you can't help doing it. He's obviously making you do that, too.""

Ginny looked up from the screen. "That should do it, I think," she said. "With 3 spelling errors too!"

"Okay," said Hermione. "I might as well type the next bit. It's supposed to be about Harry's party. But before I type it, we've got to decide a couple of things about it."

"Like what?" asked Ron.

"Well... first of all, what the theme should be. The most popular option seems to be that it will be a pool-party, even though none of us actually owns a pool. The main reason for this, it seems, is so that the author can write about the main characters in their bathing-suits."

"Er... a pool-party works I guess..." said Harry.

"All right. Now. You said you don't want Cho to show up in this story, right? Because if she was going to show up at all, the best time to introduce her into the plot would be in this chapter, obviously in a bikini, to more easily turn Harry on," Hermione explained.

"But we just wrote that Harry and I are going out," said Ginny in a way that seemed to suggest that she was more jealous than was rational at the prospect of fanfiction-Harry seeing fanfiction-Cho in a bikini.

"That doesn't matter," said Hermione. "I saw one story where the birthday-party featured you, me, and Cho all in bikinis. I decided I didn't want to see where it was going, so I stopped reading, but I wouldn't have been surprised if the chapter ended with an orgy."

"Oooh, no. We're keeping Cho out of this. Our pairings are you and Ron and me and Ginny," said Harry definitively.

"Okay, it's probably better that way anyway, I was just making sure you knew your options," said Hermione. She then began to type.

"After a large amount of time was skipped flat out due to the authors' desire to get the main characters to Hogwarts in a reasonable amount of time, it was Harry's birthday. The Weasleys threw him a surprise party which involved bathing-suits and some body of water such as a pool or a layk. The actual nature of the bawdy of water is not important as long as its presence gives Harry the opportunity to see Ginny in a bikini, although the author is rather baphled by where Ginny would have gotten a bikeeni. Hermione was also wearing a bikini in spite of the fact that she doesn't even own one.

Both Harry and Ron were very happy about the clothing arrangements and were also reinforced in their belief that they had made good decisions in their choices of girlfriends. It is important to stress here that both Harry and Ron are just as shallow as Ginny and Hermione are attractive. And considering how sexy Hermione and Ginny are, they must be as shallow as puddles. Very shallow puddles."

"Okay," said Hermione, grinning, "I would just like to point out that I'm not being immodest. It is the general consensus of the fanfiction community that Ginny and I are smoking hot."

"But, none of the fanfiction authors have seen you, have they?" asked Ron stupidly.

Hermione, of course, took this as an insult. "Are you saying that they'd think differently if they had?" she asked. "Ron, I think we've got to have a talk in another room. Harry, Ginny, that'll be it for tonight, we'll write the O.W.L. results and the trip to Diagon Alley tomorrow night, so could you just put an ending author's note on here?"

"Sure," said Harry, as he sympathetically watched a very confused Ron following an angry looking Hermione out of the room.

"Wow. They've only been going out for two days and he's already in trouble," said Harry.

"Yeah," said Ginny. "Poor Ron. Doesn't even know what he's said wrong."

"For what it's worth, I'm sure that the fanfiction writers are right in their assessment that you would look great in a bikini," said Harry, grinning.

"Why thank you," said Ginny, smiling sweetly. "And I agree with them that you're more shallow than a puddle."

They laughed together, and then looked into each-other's eyes. For a moment, Harry forgot that Ginny was dating Dean. Then he kicked himself mentally and decided that forgetting that was a dumb thing to do and that it could only lead to embarrassing situations. But those situations would have to wait until next chapter because Harry had regained his composure, looked away from Ginny and begun to type the following author's note.

A/N: Right, well, that'll be it for this chapter, considering that the two love-birds are off having an argument which the other two authors feel strangely compelled to go eavesdrop on.

And then, Ginny and Harry left the room in hot pursuit of Ron and Hermione.

A/N from Gryffindor777: All right. Fanfiction dot net is finally letting me log in again (yay!), so here's the new chapter. The next chapter might be up tomorrow night, but I'm currently having a bit of trouble writing it. Anyway, thanks for reading!


	7. OWL Results

A/N: I really want to continue this story for awhile, but I'm having a problem. See, whenever I'm reading a lousy fanfiction of the type that inspired this parody, I tend not to get too far into the school-year (on the off-chance that the author actually keeps interested for long enough to allow the story to progress that far). So I'm having a bit of trouble thinking of things to make fun of later in the story. If anybody can think of any cliches that I can include, feel free to e-mail me or leave them in a review. Of course, if I use your idea in a chapter, I'll be sure to give you credit within the author's note for the chapter in question.

Chapter 7:

O.W.L. Results

The next evening, Ginny and Harry once again were the first to arrive in the computer room.

Ginny decided to strike up some conversation, saying, "Hmm... so this will be the first full chapter in which our fanfiction counterparts are dating. Just too bad yours took so long to break the ice."

"Yeah," said Harry. And, in that moment, his mind temporarily broke, or must have, in order to explain the following lapse of memory. See, Harry had once again forgotten that Dean and Ginny were dating, and said, before he had a chance to think about it (don't you just _hate _it when that happens?), "Yeah, it is such an obvious pairing though, isn't it? Kinda makes you wonder why we're not going out in real-life."

Ginny put on a false look of surprise, even though she had been planning for Harry to say something much like what he had just said (sly one, that Ginny). "But, Harry," said Ginny innocently, "in real life, Dean and I haven't broken up yet."

Harry, who apparently hadn't caught the hint contained within the word "yet" immediately became pale and embarrassed as he said, "Oh _damn_, I forgot about that!"

Ginny then continued in her voice of false innocence, "But, Harry... You're not _disappointed _that Dean and I are still dating, are you?"

Harry began to sputter a reply when Ron and Hermione entered the room. Ginny gave Harry a "we'll finish up this conversation later" look with her previously mentioned very expressive eyes of indeterminate color as Ron and Hermione sat down.

"So, Ron," said Ginny in an effort to cover the awkward silence that had settled on the room since Harry had stopped sputtering, "do you think you can get through tonight's chapter without saying anything that's going to get you in trouble?"

Ron reddened slightly but mumbled, "I think so."

"Oh, that was my fault," said Hermione, "I was just being a little bit oversensitive." _A little?_ wondered Harry, although he thought that on the balance, it was rather mature of Hermione to be able to admit that. Harry decided that even if things had worked out between him and Cho, she would not have been nearly that mature. He momentarily wondered whether Ginny would be an easy girlfriend to get along with before he forced himself to stop thinking about it. He didn't want to get his hopes up. She hadn't offered to break up with Dean... she just sounded politely curious about why Harry should care. But... honestly... Dean and Ginny would probably break up soon enough anyway, right? She had been dating Michael Corner for, what, a few months?

Harry forcibly refocused his attention on the current situation, just as Ginny was asking, "So, do you want me to type the beginning author's note again?"

"Might as well," said Hermione.

Ginny began to type:

A/N: Once again, thanks to our reviewers. And now to respond to those who reviewed the last chapter:

Rebekahek: We will definitely try to include a fake make-up scene somewhere. Perhaps fanfiction Harry can think fanfiction Ginny is cheating with fanfiction Neville. Because Neville really deserves some action, even if it is only in fanfiction, and even if it is only a misunderstanding and didn't actually happen. (Gryffindor777 would like to comment that parodies are _so _much easier to write than serious fics, as I know from my still in progress attempt at a sixth year fic. Being able to write a parody does not mean that I'm intelligent, simply that I'm a smart-aleck.)

Lizzie Iz Bizzie: Good luck with getting your stories up, and the story that Harry, Hermione, Ron, and I are writing will probably include the whole school year, although the amount of time per chapter will probably increase as time goes on.

humblelilbookworm: We're glad you like the story, and we're glad you like the typoes. We enjoy them a bit too much.

mimbulus: Yeah, the birthday party is always an amusing part of the stories. About the boyfriend thing... I'm working on it.

ash vault rose garden: Heh... w00tness, eh? Great word. Yeah, we'll definitely keep writing.

gigifanfic: Who's doing a satire? Do you mean to say that fanfics aren't _supposed _to contain all these cliches?

voicesinmyhead12: We're glad you still like it and yeah, there will be at least several more chapters.

koryanshea: I don't think Hermione would ever be outright violent... and I also think she secretly enjoys it when we eavesdrop on her. Otherwise, why would she talk so loudly?

rupertlover14: We're glad you're back and would like to wish you good luck w/ your chocolate fix.

grangerlovesweasley: Yeah, British slang is great, although you'd think we'd use it more in our dialogue... Gryffindor777 (whose existence I should not know about) must be American.

"Okay... now onto the rest of the chapter. We'll get the O.W.L. results, at least. Why don't you write this bit, Ron?" asked Hermione.

"I'm really no good at typing," Ron said.

"Oh, well... do you want to dictate what you want to say and I'll type it?" Hermione asked.

"All right, sure," agreed Ron.

"Okay, let's just go over the rules for this section awhile. First of all, Harry's results must be good enough to allow him to take all the classes he'd need to be an auror," Hermione said.

"But," Harry said, "there's no way I got an Outstanding in Potions, even though that's what Snape requires. An exceeds expectations would be pushing it, even."

"Well, however many fanfiction writers can actually read will have gathered that from the description of you taking the potions test in book five. However, they will tactfully ignore this description on the grounds that it's easier to write you as having an "Outstanding" score than to figure out a way to get around Snape's rule. In spite of the fact that most fanfictioners think of themselves as "aspiring writers" many of them show very little sign of actual imagination. Another reason why Harry needs to get an "O" is that otherwise, our story will probably get flames from fans telling us that Harry would never get anything below Outstanding in Potions, even though he was normally a pretty poor student in it. It's almost as if they feel that a personal friend of theirs is being insulted. Many fanfictioners are of the opinion that Harry must be perfect. Which is probably for the best considering that if he were not perfect, he'd be a complex character. And most fanfiction writers are simply not qualified to handle complex characters, e_specially _in the lead role."

"But haven't we already violated that rule?" asked Harry. "We've already made it perfectly clear that our fanfiction version of me is an absolute pervert who sees girls as nothing more than objects..."

"Yeah, well, apparently this is what fanfiction writers expect of you, considering that you're a teenage boy, and fanfictioners seem to believe that _all _teenage boys are perverts. Except, of course, for the ones who see you as being gay. In which case you instead see Draco, Snape, and perhaps Crabbe and Goyle as nothing more than objects instead. But you get the picture," said Hermione.

"More of a picture than I had wanted, in fact," said Harry, apparently grossed out by the suggestion that he might like Draco, Snape, or _(honestly!) _Crabbe and Goyle.

"So, anyway, you've got to get great scores, and Ron has got to get good scores too, although he doesn't necessarily need to get an 'O' in potions (although some writers apparently still see this as a possibility) because not all writers believe he will become an auror," said Hermione cautiously, hoping not to offend Ron.

"Oh well... I probably won't get an 'O' in it, but we may as well write it as if I will," said Ron.

"Okay. And apparently," said Hermione, "I've got to get O's in everything. Which, of course, you and Ron are extremely annoyed at. This chapter, of course, would also be a great time to work in a joke about S.P.E.W. (perhaps when we're discussing our career goals) or 'Hogwarts a History.' Or both. Apparently, fanfiction writers really like to make fun of me," finished Hermione, looking somewhat saddened by this.

"Oh, it's all right, Hermione," Ron comforted awkwardly, because he was pretty sure that was the right thing to do. Well. The comforting part anyway, not so much the "awkwardly" part, but some things just couldn't be helped.

"Well," anyway, go ahead, said Hermione, preparing to type what Ron said. For the purposes of still being able to include typoes, the following text is to be understood as being what is typed by Hermione, not what is said by Ron, because it makes less sense to have typoes in speech than in typing.

"Immediately after Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny dried off from being in the pool, lake, or shallow puddle that they had been swimming in, Hogwarts O.W.L.'s delivered their owl scores and supplies lists. In an effort to build suspense, the author will decline to immediately reveal the scores but instead will take a moment to describe Harry's emotions. He was very nervous, because he knew that there was no way in the world that he could have achieved the required 'oh!' on his potions test and thus would not be able to become an arorarur. But, of course, when thinking of possible factors that might bring his potions grade up to the required level, he had not counted on the whims of fanfiction writers. The feelings of Ron and Hermione will not be discussed at this point, owing to the fact that no fanfictioner really cares what Ron gets on his tests, and everybody already knows what Hermione got."

At this point Ron paused, which gave Hermione a chance to say, "Wow... you're including some stuff that's in fanfiction but I forgot to mention about. How'd you know about the cheap suspense building tactics?"

"Er... well... I was bored last night, so I decided that I'd try this whole 'reading for pleasure' thing you're always on about... Considering that I don't own any decent books that are about something other than Quidditch, I decided to give the site a try. So, I discovered some of the insanity of fanfiction on my own," said Ron.

"That's really nice that you've decided to try reading. Although fanfiction's probably not the best place to start. I've got some books I could lend you..." Hermione trailed off, practically bursting with pride at the fact that she had finally convinced Ron to read something that he wasn't forced to.

"Oh, what a cute romantic moment," said Harry somewhat irritably, rolling his eyes. It wasn't that he wasn't happy that Ron and Hermione were getting along, it was just that once again the fact that he was the only person in the room who was single was annoying him. "But, why don't you two finish this nice little conversation when there aren't two other people in the room?"

So, Ron continued to dictate as Hermione continued to type.

"Harry opened his male and found the following list of scores which is undoubtedly incomplete owing to the fact that the author can obviously not be bothered to look back in the books to reference which classes Harry actually took.

Astronomy- Exceeds Expectations (who _cares _that he hadn't been concentrating on the exam?).

Care of Magical Creatures- Outstanding (because during that one, he _was _paying attention).

Charms- Exceeds Expectations (Because he can't get _all _O's or it won't be as impressive when Hermione does)

Defense Against the Dark Arts: Outstanding (Fine, this one might actually be realistic).

Divination: Exceeds Expectations (Because the author can't remember what the other scoring options were).

Potions: Outstanding (Because potions has _always _been easy for Harry).

Transfiguration: Exceeds Expectations (Just to keep the pattern going, at this point...)

Completely unphased by the fact that this list was missing several of his subjects, Harry exchanged lists with Ron, to see what he had gotten. The list read:

Astronomy- Poor (Because the author conveniently remembered some of the lower scores where Ron was concerned.)

Care of Magical Creatures- Oustanding (Why not?)

Charms- Acceptable (Because fanfiction writers don't feel that Ron is the brightest tool in the shed... wait, I think that's what it was... I'm not great with muggle sayings... Hermione, why haven't you stopped typing? Whatever...)

Defense Against the Dark Arts: Outstanding (Because all members of the D.A. have to get Oustanding scores).

Divination: Exceeds Expections (Because Trelawney had really managed to get through to him and teach him something.)

Potions: Outstanding (Because Ron wants to be an awroarer too!)

Transfiguration: Excceeds Expections (Sure, why not?)

"Did you get all O's?" Ron asked Hermione, sure he knew what the answer would be.

"No," said Hermione embarrassedly.

"Really?" asked Harry, "what'd you get?"

"Well, half my scores were O's but the rest were 'R' for 'Really Freaking Excellent.' It's a new grade that they made up just for me," Hermione said.

Ron groaned. Even though they had now been going out for several chapters, he still got annoyed by her perfect academic record sometimes. "Well, you could be anything you wanted, couldn't you?" he asked. "What are you going to do with yourself once your out of school?"

"Well, I will of course do something with the Ministry, something where I can address social injustice!" said Hermione proudly, using an exclamation mark because doing so makes this chapter seem more exciting.

"Oh good, then maybe you'll be able to create more activist societies with acronyms describing things to do when they're sick!" said Ron, also using an exclamation mark in an attempt to keep himself awake through this rather boring conversation.

"You'd think with brains like yours, you'd know enough to know that House elves are happy how they are," said Harry.

"Unfortunately, she spends too much time reading 'Hogwarts a History' to have time to use her common sense," added Ron. "In fact, with all her reading and studying she probably doesn't have any time to think about or do anything else! Really Hermione, sometimes you make me sick with your great grades!"

At this point Ron stopped. Not only had he finished the part of the story that he had been asked to furnish, but he could see Hermione was getting slightly upset. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Well, it's just... you're pretty good at describing yourself as being sickened by my grades. You don't really think I'm over-occupied with school work and reading, do you?" Hermione asked.

"No, of course not," said Ron in a way that was apparently convincing enough to fool Hermione. "No, I really admire you for how motivated you are. Sometimes I wish I could be more like you."

Harry stifled a laugh because he didn't want to ruin the effect. Hermione seemed to be buying it, and Ron seemed to have worked his way around an argument with Hermione. Wow, Ron really was getting better at this whole relationship game. He was doing better than his usual new-born skrewt emotional maturity level; he was now on the level of at _least _an adolescent skrewt.

"Well, I think that's enough for tonight," said Hermione after thinking for a moment.

"What?" asked Harry, somewhat surprised. "I thought we were supposed to include our trip to Diagon Alley in this chapter too?"

"That's all right, fanfiction writers are _always _failing to include what they're supposed to in chapters. So, we'll arrive at Hogwarts in chapter 9 instead of chapter 8. No big deal really," said Hermione.

"Well, all right," said Harry.

"I'll write the author's note, I suppose," said Hermione, as she began to type.

"A/N: All right, well, that's it for this chapter. Sorry to anyone who's anxious to see us get our characters to Hogwarts, but it should happen soon. The description of the O.W.L. results took longer than expected. Really, we, like other fanfiction writers, seem to have no control over what actually gets typed and what doesn't. Oh well, review if you feel like it, and we'll continue soon."

Now, although the author knows that until this point, he has finished the chapter basically right after the ending authors' note from the characters, he feels compelled to continue this chapter to include the conversation which Ginny and Harry had once Hermione and Ron had left the room. He hopes you don't mind. He also is curious as to why he seems to feel compelled to write in the third person.

Anyway, once Hermione and Ron left the room, Harry looked awkwardly at Ginny. "Er, about what I said earlier..." Harry struggled to think what to say next and decided that he probably should have thought of the end of the sentence before saying the beginning of it. Then, in a sudden burst of inspiration, he said, "I was just joking about us going together!"

"Oh," said Ginny, sounding disappointed. "You were?"

The author, who is still on this third person kick for reasons that he does not wish to explore at the moment, is aware that in traditional Harry/Ginny fics, this conversation should end with Harry confirming that he was just joking so that the awkward tension between the two could continue for another several weeks. However, the author does not feel like drawing the process out for quite so long, and therefore will allow Harry to actually detect the disappointed tone in Ginny's voice. Why not? He's not deaf or anything. So, Harry said, "No, I wasn't joking. I was just trying to cover up for making myself look stupid." He said this because the conversation will go quicker if he is _really _blunt.

"Oh, well, you'd look even more stupid if you let me continue my relationship with Dean just because you're too shy to admit your feelings," she said.

"Wait, are you saying that you'll break up with Dean?" asked Harry hopefully.

"Well, I was probably going to anyway. He hasn't been responding to my owls," confided Ginny.

"Oh. Well..." Harry trailed off awkwardly. "I'm sorry that that relationship didn't work out for you."

"You are?" asked Ginny, confused.

"Well, no. Not really. I'm actually rather glad, but figured it would be rude to admit that. But, er... will you go out with me?" he asked, realizing at the last moment that he was not _really _sure how he was supposed to phrase his request for Ginny to be his girlfriend. He hoped he hadn't sounded too stupid.

"Sure, of course," said Ginny.

A/N: All right, this chapter was a bit long, but I think it was decent. Maybe. Well... that's for you all to decide really, so let me know what you think!


	8. Diagon Alley And Alpacas

A/N: I have nothing to say to anybody at this point. Just read on.

Chapter 8:

Diagon Alley and Alpacas

"Well, I guess tonight we ought to tell Hermione and Ron that we're dating," said Harry the next night when Harry and Ginny once again arrived in the computer room prior to Hermione and Ron.

"Yeah, I don't think they'll be too surprised though... Well, Hermione won't be anyway, because I think she knew that I still had feelings for you, and I wouldn't be surprised if she picked up on your crush for me before I did. We can't rule out the possibility that Ron will be surprised though, because it really doesn't take _much _to surprise him. Some mornings he's surprised by his own reflection in the mirror."

Harry laughed in a slightly uncomfortable manner which led Ginny, whom the author has decided will be unusually perceptive in this chapter, to realize something was wrong. As a result, she looked at Harry appraisingly. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Well... you don't think Ron will be _upset _that I'm dating you, do you?" he asked tentatively.

Before Ginny could say "Of course not!" Ron and Hermione walked in the room.

Neither Harry nor Ginny were struck with any sudden inspiration as to how to start this conversation.

"Er..." started Harry in a rather tentative manner.

Ginny, armed with her newfound perceptiveness, understood that there was really nothing to be unsure about, so she said, "Er..." in a much more confident manner.

For a moment, it seemed like they just might be planning to leave the conversation at that, when Hermione decided to help out. "So, I've noticed the two of you have been being rather shifty lately... almost as if you're hiding something. What might that be?"

Harry grinned awkwardly, "Well... it _might _be that I finally realized what I've been missing out on and asked Ginny out last night..."

"Might it?" asked Hermione, smiling knowingly.

"Yeah, that's it," said Ginny. After giggling slightly, she added, "Although you wouldn't believe how many hints it took from my end before he acted on it."

Hermione smiled at Ron before saying, "I can't _imagine_ what that must have been like."

Ron, apparently oblivious to Hermione's sarcasm, said, "You've broke up with Dean then? It's about time!"

"Oh, you're _right_! It _is _about time I should break up with Dean... I'll send him an owl in the morning," said Ginny, blushing slightly.

"So, Ron, you're okay with this and everything?" asked Harry.

"Of course I am," said Ron reassuringly. "You're my best mate. Just make sure you treat her-- Never mind, of course you'll treat her right!"

"Well... speaking of Ron finding out that Harry's dating Ginny, you'll notice that Ginny was hardly even mentioned in the last chapter, so it looks like we'll have to have you guys tell the rest of us during _this _chapter. But first, let's do the author's note. Harry, do you want to type it?"

"Sure," said Harry as he settled down at the computer chair. He began to type.

"A/N: Well, in case you're curious, we're now 2 for 2 as far as pairings go, as I am now dating the beautiful Ginny Weasley, thus meaning both of the pairings we've put in our fanfiction have now materialized. Perhaps we can abuse this strange matchmaking power we seem to have acquired in later chapters, but first we must respond to all of the lovely (we assume) people who reviewed last chapter.

hrrypttrfan: Thanks for the review. (Gryffindor777 wonders vaguely whether you're being sarcastic about liking that all the characters write in the same tone, as this is something that I probably would change about the story if I had enough skill. But I'll assume that you're not being sarcastic, because it's more fun that way...)

princessangel-star: I too am glad I didn't drag out the awkwardness.

skittles: Ron thanks you and will strive to be as sensitive as the squid.

rubberduckiesofdoom: Thanks for the review!

Lizzieizbizzie: Hermione says she'd love to be pregnant! In fanfiction, I assume. And thanks for the "R"!

MelianMaia: Thanks, we're glad it's funny.

ashvaultrosegarden: Thanks for the encouragement. And we've had plenty of sugar!

threatenedwriter: Thanks, and yeah, fanfiction Hermione/Ron will find out this chapter, although it's a good thing you reminded us, we'd kind of forgotten to write that part.

Queenbee14: Ron says he's working on the controlling his mouth thing...

Mimbulus: Ginny says she now realizes how oblivious I am, due to her newfound perceptiveness during this chapter. I, however, am vaguely offended by all this.

humblelilbookworm: We're glad you like it.

To everyone: Thanks for the suggestions that you put in your reviews, they should come in useful during later chapters."

"All right, that's it for the author's note. Now, onto the chapter! What we've got to do this chapter is have Harry and Ginny reveal their relationship and we've all got to go to Diagon Alley. This is when Fred and George make their first appearance. This is also a good chapter in which to mention all of Ron's other siblings, which most fanfiction authors feel necessary to do at least once in a story, so as to prove that they know everything there is to know about Ron's family. Sometimes, it seems that fanfiction authors think that the objective of fanfiction is to show off their knowledge of the books rather than to be creative themselves. They call this unnecessary showing of useless knowledge "keeping to canon." Anyway, we might as well also have all of Ron's brothers back him up in being overprotective of Ginny. According to fanfiction rules, once Ron is informed of the fact that Harry's dating his sister, he becomes completely irrational and forgets that Harry is his friend. During this conversation, Ron must mention the term 'scarlet woman.' He must also apparently labor under the assumption that neither Ginny nor Harry can control their hormones and that therefore when they say 'dating' they mean 'having sex.' So, anyway... Why don't we start out with the conversation during which Harry and Ginny tell us they're dating? We can come up with this as a group, and each of us can basically come up with our own lines," suggested Hermione.

So, within a few minutes, the following had been typed by way of a team effort which shall not be described but which strongly involved giggling (on the part of the girls... Ron and Harry would much rather if their laughs were described as a more masculine chuckle. Or a chortle. Perhaps a "guffaw" even. But not a giggle.) and large amounts of unnecessary gesticulation.

"Finding themselves completely without suitable transition, Harry and Ginny decided to inform Hermione and Ron of their new relationship. However, before they had a chance to do that, they accidentally allowed Ron and Hermione to walk in on them snogging. Deciding that this was as effective a way as any other to broach the subject, they began to discuss the topic at hand.

"So," said Harry, blushing nervously. "It looks like Ginny and I are dating..."

"Yes, so it does," said Ron, who was also blushing, though in a more ferocious, overly protective older brother way.

"Er... I'm sorry?" asked Harry uncertainly.

"No!" said Ginny passionately (because that's the only way to explain the exclamation point). "We can't let Ron stand in the way of our burgeoning relationship!"

"This is getting _entirely _overdramatic!" complained Hermione. "Ron, can't you be sensible?"

"Of course not! If I were to act sensible in a fanfiction then there would be less comedic relief! And less exclamation points!" said Ron.

"Be that as it may," said Harry patiently, "Ginny and I are dating."

"You're a scarlet woman!" announced Ron, pointing vaguely in an indeterminate direction.

"Well, you're a maroon toothbrush!" Harry shot back.

"That didn't even make sense! But I was talking to Ginny anyway," said Ron.

"Don't talk about my girlfriend like that!" stated Harry hotly.

"I can't _believe _you're having sex with my sister!" shouted Ron.

"I'm _what?_" asked Harry startled.

"You heard me!" accused Ron, although he wasn't sure that this could be considered an accusation.

"You're mad!" stated Harry.

"You're shagging my sister!" accused Ron. This _was_ an accusation.

Harry was going to respond to this, but was robbed of the opportunity when Mrs. Weasley came into the room. She had apparently heard the whole conversation, as she was brimming with excitement.

"Oh, that's _wonderful_," she stated. "Ginny's got quite a quota of children to fill, she'd better start young. I was quite hoping this would happen! Remember not to use any form of birth control!"

At this, Ron was quite unsure of _what _exactly he should say. Then, he suddenly remembered that he had brothers. He owled them all immediately, informing them all that Ginny would probably be pregnant in a matter of weeks if something wasn't done soon."

"All right... I think that should do it for the conversation. Now we've got the trip to Diagon Alley. We're going to have all of Ron's siblings come on the trip, except for Fred and George, whom we will meet at the joke shop. According to fanfiction rules, they've all got to lecture Harry about dating their sister. They all start out very overprotective, but eventually get won over. We might as well write this bit cooperatively too, but I'll type," said Hermione. "The basic function of the bit about Fred and George, aside from them pulling a completely uncharacteristic overprotective brother trick, is to add some humor to the story. However, as most fanfiction writers have no apparent sense of humor, they resort to overly dramatic situational humor. Also, for cheap comedic effect, at least 3 different objects must blow up. Also, all the characters must laugh at parts of the story that aren't really funny. This is basically the equivalent of a laugh-track for writing. Fanfiction writers do not object to using it because the fanfiction community, as a whole, has no shame. Anyway, off we go!" finished Hermione as she prepared to type. After some more talking and gesticulation (which is a really fun word) the following end to the chapter was produced.

"After having jumped forward in time several weeks, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione were ready to head off to Diagon Alley. Bill, Charlie, and Percy (whom was now speaking to the rest of his family again on the grounds that the Weasley brothers felt it necessary to present a common front against the issue of Ginny's apparent inability to keep herself from getting pregnant) decided to come with them so that they would be able to talk to Harry and Ginny along with Fred and George.

After they arrived at the joke shop, all of the Weasleys plus Harry and Hermione went into a back room while Lee Jordan (who by fanfiction rules must work at the twins' joke-shop on the assumption that he has nothing better to do) covered the store.

"So, what's this I hear about you getting my little sister pregnant?" asked Fred suspiciously.

"I have _not _gotten her pregnant! Although we have kissed a few times. But I've never heard of _that _getting someone pregnant, not even in a fanfiction! So you've got nothing to worry about," explained Harry in a tone which indicated that he was losing his patience.

"Harry, even if you're not getting her pregnant, we still need to talk," said George in a tone more serious than he would ever actually be able to manage.

"We think you're a prat," stated Percy. "And we think you should stay away from our sister."

"We've never really liked you, and we think that you're only using Ginny to satisfy your hormonal urges. We know you'll only end up hurting her. So we think that you ought to stop seeing her before she gets too attached. Not that she hasn't been rather hopelessly infatuated with you since her first year. Even so, we believe that if you break it off now, she'll forget all about her long-standing obsession and be completely okay with it," stated Bill.

Charlie nodded, more to show that he did in fact exist rather than to actually agree with what Bill was saying.

Ginny spoke up. "But, you forget, Harry's actually a pretty swell guy. He's brave and good at dueling. Also, he does the right thing even if it means facing probable death, and he even saved my life once. I think there's a chance that he doesn't actually want to hurt me."

"Oh, yeah," said Ron, somewhat embarrassed. "I forgot about all of that. How stupid of me. But then, I always come off as rather stupid in fanfics, so I guess that I shouldn't be too surprised. At any rate, Harry, my scarlet woman of a sister is right. You are a pretty decent guy. I guess it'll be all right if you date my sister. And, maybe we should consider becoming friends at some point."

Everybody murmured their agreement, especially Charlie, who was still trying to confirm his existence.

At that moment, the authors realized that they had not gotten in the requisite overly-obvious attempts at humor, and so Lee Jordan began to knock frantically on the door.

"What is it?" asked Fred urgently, when he saw Lee's panicked face.

"The alpacas have escaped!" he shouted.

"Oh no!" exlaimed George.

"What're alpacas?" asked Ron in a confused voice.

"They're kind of like llamas," explained Hermione.

"What're they doing in Diagon Alley then?" asked Harry. "I thought they were native to

South America."

"We needed them to aid in the making of one of our new inventions. It's top secret, besides which the authors can't think of any invention clever enough for us to make, so I'm not going to tell you what the invention is," stated Fred.

"Still, we've got to catch the alpacas. Their lose in Digone Aley and are probbly causing a scene worthy of a less than funny attempt at humor as we speek!" stated Lee. (A/N: At this point, we remembered we had forgotten to insert typoes. So, we made up for it with this sentence.)

So, all of them (the number is large enough that the authors are disinclined to count it) left to chase the alpacas, leaving the shop completely unattended.

They found one of the alpacas running around with a chocolate sundae on its head. "Gives a whole new meaning to the term chocolate syrup doesn't it?" asked Percy in an exceptionally nonsensical attempt at a joke.

However, all of the other characters laughed in an oddly pre-recorded way to prove that this type of comment was what passed for humor in a fanfiction.

Harry pointed his wand at the chocolate sundae, which suddenly exploded. This frightened the first alpaca back into Fred and George's shop.

A second alpaca was running around in a rather hyper manner after consuming entirely too much chocolate. A streetlamp near the alpaca exploded for comedic effect.

Several minutes later, all the alpacas were back in the shop.

"I think this one's turned into a llama," announced George concernedly.

"How can you tell?" asked Ron.

"Yeah, what's the difference?" asked Harry.

"I don't know," said Fred, even though the question had been addressed toward George.

In response to this, everybody laughed, chuckled, guffawed, giggled, and chortled in hopes that the audience would do the same.

At this point, the characters realized that only two things had blown up instead of three as had been required. Therefore, Percy blew up because nobody liked him anyway.

Then, everybody remembered that the original reason they had all come to Diagon Alley was to get their school supplies, so they went ahead and did that."

"That was horrible," stated Ron, as they finished.

"That was the point," said Hermione.

"Whatever," said Ron.

"Anyway," said Ginny, "I guess we might as well put an author's note on the end."

"Okay, do you want to type it?" Hermione asked Ginny.

"Sure," said Ginny. And so she did. It read as follows.

"A/N: Right, well... that's enough of that. As promised, next chapter, we will be writing about ourselves catching the Hogwarts Express and making our way back to school. Thanks to everyone who's read this far... we hope you're having as much fun reading this as we are having writing it."

A/N from Gryffindor777: Right, well, there's that. I hope you liked it, and even if you didn't, it was still rather amusing to write.


	9. Aboard the Hogwarts Express

A/N: Okay, in response to some confusion, contributions made by the four characters are now in italics, unless something that they write is supposed to be italicized for effect, in which case it appears in plain text. Perhaps the reason that it is hard to tell what the characters are writing as opposed to what I am writing is that I have had the style of Harry and company get more sarcastic and parody-like as time has progressed. Although there was no logical reason for my doing this aside from the attempted comedic effect and laziness on my part, we can also assume that the fact that several people have mentioned in their reviews (which the characters theoretically have access to) that this is a parody has led the characters to amend their style to fit this description more accurately. Also, thanks to voicesinmyhead12 who pointed out that I accidentally put the characters in Hogsmeade partway through last chapter. It's fixed now. Anyway, after that long author's note, here's the chapter that at least some people have hopefully been waiting for.

_Chapter 9:_

_Aboard the Hogwarts' Express_

On this particular night, just for some variety, Hermione and Ron got to the computer room first. However, since they really didn't have anything to say to each other in private that would be worth including in this chapter, Harry and Ginny showed up soon afterwards.

"Okay, so in this chapter, we'll get on the Hogwarts' Express and arrive at school. This chapter officially starts the school term, and as such, there are several new rules that must be kept in mind. However, I will explain those after we finish with the beginning author's note." Hermione began to type the author's note.

_A/N: Wow... 18 reviews on the last chapter... At this point, if we responded to each one indicividually, it'd take up way too much of the page to be rational. Still, we would like to thank all of you, and respond to a few over-arching concerns: We will definitely remember to put in the typos from now on. We're glad people seemed to enjoy the alpacas and the maroon toothbrush. Also, just to clarify, Ron, Harry, Ginny and I are still on our summer break, and will be for several weeks. We will have the story finished before we go back to school. _(A/N from Gryffindor777: You are to assume that the characters update every night, even if I don't). _We would also like to thank Queenbee14 for the e-hamster and ashvaultrosegarden for the e-sweets and... er... spam. (That's right, if you give us stuff, we mention you specifically in the author's note.)_

"Hmm... I hope the reviewers don't get angry at us for not responding individually," said Ginny nervously.

"Why, what would it matter?" asked Ron skeptically.

"Well, they might not review again..." said Harry.

"True, but I was thinking along more alarming lines," said Ginny. "I mean, these reviewers are harmless now, giving us e-sweets and e-animals. But what if one shows up with an e-knife? Won't be so funny then, will it?"

"I suppose not," conceded Hermione, "but I think that our readers are mature enough not to resort to violence or review-boycotts just because we didn't respond to them individually this chapter..."

"Let's hope so," said Ginny. "Anyway... So what are the new rules that we need to know for this chapter?"

"Well, in general, now that we're starting the school term, the thing that I mentioned last night about author's trying to show off their knowledge about the books is completely void. Apparently, they feel that it is impossible to create an interesting story within the parameters laid out by the books, and so they consistently stray from canon in order to liven things up, or make the story simpler (because sometimes authors are just lazy. As proven by our refusal to respond to the reviewers...)."

"I see," responded Harry. "So anything about school rules and that kind of thing is completely up for grabs?"

"Yes. And not only that, facts that the author him/herself makes up can also be contradicted within the course of the story. I'm pretty sure this is worth bonus points," explained Hermione.

"Ah," said Ron. "I've always wanted bonus points. Anyway... What do we need to do specifically in this chapter?"

"Well, aside from the obvious part about getting us on the train so that we can have the start of term feast next chapter, we've got to have our annual verbal-sparring match with Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. Also, since this is the first chapter in which we're seeing the rest of the student body, now might be a good time to mention some other pairings. Speaking of which, several of our reviewers seem to think that Neville ought to get some action. I feel that we should oblige so as to avoid giving the reviewers any more reasons to show up with e-weapons."

"Hmm... Should we pair him with Parvati then? She's pretty. I mean pretty for _him_," Ron added hastily. "We all know perfectly well that I personally don't even consider anybody other than Hermione to be a _female_, let alone an attractive one."

In the interest of time, Hermione bought this apology and simply responded to Ron's proposal for a pairing. "Eww... no. They'd be _horrible_ together. And remember, so far we're two for two with our pairings coming true. I'm not saying there's anything to that, but on the off chance that there is... Do you really want to be responsible for Neville and Parvati getting together in real life?"

"No, I guess not," said Ron, sounding somewhat unconvinced.

"What about Neville and Luna? That seems to be one of the more popular pairings on the site so far..." suggested Ginny.

"_That _could be interesting. Though in a good way. We'll let you write the bit about us seeing them sitting together or something. Who wants to write the verbal sparring between us and Malfoy?"

"I'd do it," said Ron, "but I don't want to actually type."

"Here, I'll type it, if you let me put some input into the conversation," said Harry.

"All right, that'll work," said Hermione. Now, for the record, there are a few things that you must include in this argument between you and Malfoy. First of all, you must call him a prat. Then, since we're going for the self-contradiction bonus points, we might as well use some American slang within the argument as well. So throw in the term 'Oooh, what a diss,' since that sounds American, and very contradictory to the word "prat." We've also got to call Malfoy a ferret, because _everybody _mentions that at least once in their story. Furthermore, the insults that we use can't make any sense because fanfiction authors tend not to make sense. Other than that, go at it. And remember to include the typoes, the reviewers seem to enjoy them. Oh, wait, one more thing. Malfoy must "drawl" when he talks, and be "flanked" by Crabbe and Goyle. Although, these words should definitely be misspelled."

_Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all made their way onto platform nine and three quarters, just like every other year except that this year they all crossed the barrier at the same time because fanfiction authors don't _care _about magical secrecy. They then quickly picked out a compartment. Ron and Hermione did not have a prefect meeting to go to this year because Ron is not sure that he wants Harry and Ginny to have too much time to themselves in the compartment. Even if he _is _okay with them dating, that doesn't mean he wants to include the type of thing that they might do in an abandoned compartment in a fanfiction that he's helping to right. _

_"It's weird they're not having a prefect meeting this year," commented Harry idly._

_"Yeah, I hear a lot of things are changing at Hogwarts this year," responded Hermione._

_"Hey, look, it's Malfoy," said Ginny, pointing at someone outside of the compartment._

_"Oooh, what a diss," said Ron._

_At that moment, Malfoy came into the compartment, flunked by Crabbe and Goyle. This is not surprising, as Crabbe and Goyle are always flunking something. _

_"Why if it isn't Potty, the Mudblood, and the Weasels," Malfoy drawed. No, wait. Perhaps that should be drew. Yes, that's it. As Malfoy talked, he drew an alpaca and a maroon toothbrush, on the grounds that each of these characters seem to have a fan-base (of as many as two reviewers each...)._

_"Why if it isn't the phairit," responded Harry cooly. _

_"You and Ms. Weasel are sitting awfully close there, aren't you?" asked Malfoy. "You two are _dating _now, aren't you?"_

_"Yes we are," said Harry, who was vaguely confused as to why Malfoy wasn't insulting him. "Er... aren't you going to insult me or something?"_

_"If you were any uglier, you'd be playing with matches," Malfoy announced. Although this didn't make any sense to Harry, Ginny, Ron, or Hermione, Crabbe and Goyle seemed to understand it. At any rate, they looked less confused than usual._

_"Your second cousin once removed (on your left side) is a mongoose's concubine!" shouted Harry._

_"You've had sex with Ginny Weasley," countered Malfoy._

_"Why does everybody always assume that we've had sex?" asked Harry, baffled._

_Ron, being the cool-headed clever bloke that everybody has always known him to be, was able to come up with a much more satisfactory comeback, "Well _you've _shagged Pansy Parkinson."_

_Malfoy could think of nothing to say to this, on the grounds that it was a true statement. "Damn," he muttered, and turned on his heel and left the room, quickly followed by Crabbe and Goyle._

"Right then, that should do it for our bit," said Harry, getting out of the computer-chair to let Ginny sit down. She began to type.

_Immediately afterwards, Neville and Luna walked in. They were, of course, holding hands, as it seems that this is the easiest way in fanfictiondom to establish that a pair of people have become a couple. _

_"So the two of you are dating now?" asked Harry._

_"Yes, isn't it wonderful?" asked Luna bouncily._

_"Isn't it weird that everybody who went to the Department of Mysteries last term is now dating somebody else who went?" asked Hermione skeptically._

_"Yes, but that's not _nearly _as weird as some of the stuff I saw on this summer while I was traveling with my father," countered Luna._

_Hermione simply smiled and nodded because she thought this would be the best way to avoid an actual conversation about Loona's travels. _

_At that moment, Dean walked in the compartment as well. He was clutching hands with Cho Chang on the grounds that this would just be _hilarious. _Once the pair saw who else was in the compartment, they apparently decided that now would not be the best time to chat with their exes and simply left the comparchment as quickly as they had come in. _

_"That was rather awkward," stated Ginny, with a smile._

_"Not nearly as awkward as it was to try to give directions to the half-hag, half-werewolf creature that I encountered at a bar I went to with my father," said Luna. Hermione groaned as Luna went into a less than enthralling explanation of how precisely it was possible for a creature to be half-hag and half werewolf, and also why such creatures are rubbish when it comes to direction._

_Neville was used to such conversations, and by this time had simply zoned out. He didn't mind that his girlfriend often rambled senselessly because she was still rather pretty in spite of it all, and she let him kiss her. Not too many girls had previously shown an interest in letting him do that. _

_At that point, the lady with the food cart came into the compartment. In the spirit of the recent coupling trend that had apparently struck the train and the Hogwarts population in general, she was hand-in-hand with the train's cunduckterr. _

_At that point, the chapter ended abruptly on the grounds that the author cannot come up with any more amusing couples to introduce. _

"All right, that should do it," said Hermione approvingly. "And we've definitely met our typo quota this chapter."

"Dean and Cho, eh?" asked Harry. "That _would _be rather amusing. Although wasn't she dating Michael Corner?"

"Yes, but that was obviously only because he was the last boy I had finished dating. Now that I'm finished with Dean, I'm sure she'll take him on. After all, it seems that she's got to date every boy who I have dated," said Ginny.

"Oh, I see. I hadn't realized _that _was her strategy," said Harry.

"Anyway, why don't we type up the author's note?" asked Hermione.

"You feel free," responded Harry.

So, she did.

_A/N: All right, so that's it for this chapter. It's a little bit shorter than certain other chapters, but at least it's up, and hopefully amusing. Well... that's all for now._

A/N from Gryffindor777: All right, there that is then... Review if you liked it, or if you have any suggestions, or if anything's confusing (hopefully things are getting better now, with the italics and all...). As always, thanks for reading to this point.


	10. Start of Term

A/N: This is the first chapter in which I'm going to use some people's suggestions of cliches from reviews back at chapter 7. Thus, thanks to Mimbulus for the Draco and Hermione as headboy and headgirl idea, mimbulus for the Lupin as professor idea, and humblelilbookworm for the idea of Lupin being dead-sexy.

Chapter 10:

Start of Term

Without any preface whatsoever, the four friends began to write the authors' note. (For anyone wondering how the four of them wrote the authors' note all together, let it be known that they took turns typing, switching off with every word.)

_A/N: All right, if we only count the reviews which were specifically addressed to chapter 9, we got fourteen reviews. But we've decided to answer them all personally anyway, we'll just make it short._

_rockisrocken: We're glad we're hilarious and also undeserving of e-weapons!_

_eva angel: Thanks for putting us in the C2 community, and thanks for the e-plasma tv. Mr. _

_Weasley is going _insane _playing with it._

_skittles: We appreciate the e-hugs (except for Harry, who is hesitant to show affection physically) _

_but would like you to explain where "Trainfood" comes from if you review this chapter._

_ashvaultrosegarden: Yes! Magical security systems! Also, Hermione appreciated the sugar-freeness of her sweets. Oh, right... here are the socks you requested :everybody offers up the socks they are currently wearing:_

_Threatenedwriter: Yes! Another tv. Now we can watch two programs at the _same _time! Besides, we can actually _use _this one because Mr. Weasley hasn't noticed it and started playing with it yet._

_Rubberduckies: You _always _make sense to a degree. Although sometimes not a large one. _

_GrimReaper'sAssistant: Isn't this the third penname you've had since you've started reviewing? Thanks for the non-threatening e-knife! _

_PhillippaofthePhoenix: We would like you to know that just because we are now responding to reviewers once again does _not _mean you can get what you want just by threatening us. We would have responded individually this chapter anyway. Possibly._

_Insanepyroshorty: Love the penname, and the pop-corn. We're glad you like the story._

_hrrypotterfan: We're glad you liked the Malfoy diss... it was Ron's favorite part._

_princessangelstar: Hmm... Cho very well might. She is rather promiscuous..._

_andyesidodrinktea: Yay for the letter 'h'! We're glad you like the story._

_lizzieizbizzie: We read your story, and it's very good. Very entertaining portrayal of our favorite _

_eccentric headmaster!_

_niwrem: Crookshanks, for one, would _love _an e-gnome to play with. Hopefully this update has pre-empted the raisin problem._

_Wow. That was a lot of responses. Hopefully that either wasn't too tedious to read or you had sense enough to scroll through responses that you didn't want to read. Either way, read on. You're in for a bumpy ride. _

"Okay, this chapter is where things get really exciting. Or, at least more exciting than before. I hope. At any rate, tonight we are writing about our arrival at Hogwarts. There are several less-than sensical things that are going to have to happen in this chapter. This is the chapter in which all hell breaks loose at Hogwarts. All school rules must be ignored in as haphazard a way as possible. We're also going to try to use some of the reviewers' suggestions. So, here goes. Harry, why don't you start?"

Harry began to type in italics owing to the fact that people seem to be less confused that way.

_After all the students had entered the Great Hall, the new first years were sorted. However, they were not sorted by the sorting hat this year on the grounds that coming up with a rhyming poem is too much effort for a fanfiction. Thus, the students were sorted into houses by picking magical tic-tacs from a cauldron. The tic-tacs would magically turn mint (green) if the student belonged in Slytherin, cinnamon (red) if the student belonged in Gryffindor, or... er... blueberry, if the student belonged in Ravenclaw. Hufflepuff was no longer admitting first year students because nobody wanted to go to that House anyway (seriously, who wants to be labeled "hard-working" when the alternatives are "brave," "smart," and "successful?")_

"Clever," said Hermione sarcastically. "But no more ridiculous than other attempts at this part of the story. Therefore, we shall continue on. It is now time for Dumbledore to say a few remarks to begin the feast. However, fanfictions tend not to have Dumbledore capable of speaking in coherent sentences. This may be because of the nonsensical speech he gave at the start of first year, or simply because the average fanfiction writer him or herself is incapable of forming a coherent sentence. Oh, and he's also got to spout something about house unity. At any rate, Ron, why don't you contribute the opening remarks and continue through the feast itself? No offense or anything, but you're the one of us who is most interested in food, so you might as well write about it." Ron dictated as Harry typed.

_Dumbledore stood. "Few opening remarks before. Begin. Mind not to swim with too many fish. Keep your head above the ground. Until you've stopped. Beware of both purple sofas on drugs, and drugs on purple sofas, and something about house unity. Or... beware of purple drugs on sofas in united houses. Yes. That's it. They're wicked. But... don't beware of food. Food should be eaten. Presently, in fact. Yes. Let's eat."_

_Thus, all the students bgan to eat the fude, except for the phish, which some of the students believed to be tainted in lite of Dumbledore's advice about not swimming with fish. The beef strogonaugh was especially good, as was the steak. Food's awesome. So are feasts. And steak. But that may have already been mentioned. Right. That was it. Harry, stop typing! _

"Oh, right," said Harry, who had apparently been distracted. "I'll just delete it."

"No!" shouted Hermione. "Fanfiction writers _never _use the delete key. It's not allowed."

"Oh, I see," said Harry.

"Anyway, this next bit is where the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is introduced," said Hermione.

"Oooh, I've had a good idea for that, after reading several fanfictions as well as the reviews that had suggestions in them. Let me do this bit, will you?" asked Ginny.

"Sure," said Hermione as Harry and Ron nodded.

_Dumbledore stude upp at the end of dinner to make another speakch. "Right, so obviously, this year we've got to have a new defense against the dark arts teacher. However, as times are very dark right now, I've decided that it would be best to have _several _new defense against the dark arts professors. The first isn't actually new, as his name is Professor Lupin. Yes, I do realize that he is still a werewolf, but I don't think any of the parents will remember this, because they found out three years ago and have very short memories. He will be a great asset to our staff because he is good-looking enough to vanquish death-eaters with only his sexy middle-aged looks. It helps slightly if the death-eaters he is vanquishing are female, but this is not absolutely necessary as his sexiness apparently has a fan-base among each gender. Incidentally, if you're wondering why I have started to speak in coherent sentences, the reason is that the authors are going for the 'self-contradiction bonus points.' Ron was very upset not to get any bonus points last chapter after he specifically mentioned that he had 'always wanted bonus points.' At any rate, the two other Defense Against the Dark-Arts professors are female and shall each be identical twins for the sake of saving time on describing what they look like. Thus, each are 20 year old brunettes whose great looks are matched only by their excellent occlumency skills. Yes, that's right, they're sexy too. Perhaps this is simply because the word "sexy" is fun to type. Really, the law of averages would imply that these new DADA professors would have to be very hot to make up for the complete lack of any other remotely desirable professors. One may wonder why these professors aren't slightly older than 20, but anyone who is aware of the number of times Krum (or even a 16 year old Harry) have turned up as DADA professors in fanfictions will not be remotely surprised. Anyway, it's lucky for Lupin that the twins are hot because the one (the younger one, named... Scarlet, because that sounds hot...) declared her undying love for him almost immediately upon seeing him. The other twin (named Ebony, just to keep with the color-theme), immediately realized that she was in love with another professor. But not Snape, because the pairing of Snape/OC DADA professor is _entirely _overdone. Therefore, Ebony has a serious crush on none other than Professor Flitwick, who cannot _believe _his luck. Oh, and if you're wondering how I, Dumbledore, happen to know the romantic interests of all the members of my staff, it's just because I'm omniscient." _

"You certainly do like messing around with pairings, don't you Ginny?" asked Harry with a grin.

"Sure do," Ginny conceded.

"All right, well... Only one more thing we've got to do this chapter, and that's to make Malfoy and I head boy and head girl. I guess I'll do this since I'm the only one who hasn't written anything this chapter. By the way, I'm going to put in a whole bunch more typoes. Maybe if we have more than seven, that'll be another way to get bonus points. So, here goes," introduced Hermione.

_"Well, theirs just won moor thing I knead too tell you all befour wee awe go two bed. And that is that Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy have become Head Boy and Head Girl. There are, of course, several things that I need to explane about this knew arrangement. The first is why they were not informed, as would be normal, over thee summer. The reason for this is that I have grown lazy in my old age. One may also wonder why seventh year students were not picked for this task. The reason for that is that the only seventh year student mentioned in the books (and thus the only one to show up in fanfiction) is Cho Chang, and _she _certainly wasn't going to be head-girl. And really, Hermione does make _some _sense as head-girl, once one puts aside the fact that she's underage. But the real question is why Mr. Malfoy was chosen as head boy. He has no great skill as a wizard, and is not particularly well-behaved. Furthermore, as his father is now imprisoned, there is no one with the ability to pull strings for him within the school governor's bored, so he would have to get in to the office entirely on his own merit, which is, as previously mentioned, completely nonexistent. However, it _would _make for some interesting and potentially plot-thickening developments if Malfoy was head-boy and in the end, this was the single qualification upon which I based my decision. That's really all I can think of to say, so I'm going to go to bed and I would like to invite you all to join me. By which I mean go to your own beds. I wasn't proposing a massive magical orgy. Although I really haven't gotten any action in a _really _long time... Er... Flitwick, do you think I could perhaps borrow Ebony sometime?"_

"Wow, Hermione, that was rather obscene. A bit surprising coming from you," said Ron, clearly impressed.

"Yeah, well, what can I say, inspiration struck," said Hermione, fighting to hide a grin. "Anyway, lets put our heads together to come up with the ending authors' note.

_A/N: Er, well... Things are developing quite... interestingly at least. That's what happens when you put four teenagers together to come up with a fanfiction. But at any rate, we hope that those people whose review-ideas helped to create this chapter found that we did their ideas justice. And anyone who's got any more cliches we could throw in is encouraged to let us know. _

A/N: Hmm... well... the characters' fic is getting slightly out of control, perhaps... But I'm not one to interfere. Thanks to anyone who's read to this point, because you're really the only reason I can justify spending so much time writing this thing. And let me just say, it's a blast to write it!


	11. The Worst Dream Ever

A/N: Thanks to Mimbulus for the "Ginny comforts Harry after scary dream" suggestion.

Chapter 11:

The Worst Dream _Ever_

The next night, it was neither Hermione and Ron nor Harry and Ginny who arrived in the computer room first but was instead Fred and George.

The reason that they didn't talk before Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione entered the room was that each of them always seemed to know what the other was thinking anyway. However, just as soon as the four teenagers did enter the room, Fred and George began to engage them in a rapid-fire conversation.

"We can't believe that you didn't ask us to help with your story!" said Fred.

"You know that we're highly creative, and sometimes rather bored, and those are the optimal qualifications for a fanfiction writer!" added George.

"Er... we didn't think of it," stated Ron.

"Nor did we know that you were literate," added Harry.

"Well, that's a mistake that anybody could make," conceded Fred.

"But we, obviously, also have access to fanfiction stories from the future, so we read your story, and we think it lacks certain things," said George.

"For instance, a certain creative vision, clever remarks-" began Fred,

"And nudity," added George.

"Er... well... we have a plan for this story, and we can't have you interfering," said Hermione tactfully.

"Really? You've got a plan?" asked Ron.

Hermione glared at Ron because _apparently _Hermione had been trying to make a convincing excuse.

"Right, so, we're going to help out with this chapter," said Fred, grinning at Ron.

"Oh, all right," said Hermione. "I suppose you can't do too much harm. We'll let you write this chapter. Just let us write the author's note first." And so Hermione began to write.

_Okay, we'll just go straight to the responses for reviews of last chapter._

_Lizztigger- thanks for the pumpernickle bread (that _is _fun to say)._

_RubberduckiesofDoom- Perhaps "The Wombat-Burgess Anarchy"? _

_Insanepyroshorty- Too bad you had to contain your laughter... By the way, the quotes in your penname bio are _hilarious.

_rockisrocken- thanks for the cliche, we'll use it a few chapters from now..._

_SpuffyWara#1fan- 200 e-somethings! Just what we always wanted!_

_GrimReaper'sAssistant- Seriously. Are you _trying _to give Mr. Weasley a heart-attack? He completely flipped out when he caught sight of our new e-gaming systems, but in the time that we had with them, we had fun with them too : )_

_hrrypttrfan- hmmm... we don't know what song we could put in here, plus isn't that against the site's rules?_

_lizzieizbizzie- We also especially liked the tictacs and the speech. We'll keep the "Aurora" thing in mind._

_ashvaultrosegarden- Happy belated birthday. And definitely market the security systems._

_obsessiveschottishdemocrat- Stupid has _always _been funny, and always will be._

_Speaking of stupid... We apologize in advance for whatever Fred and George might write in this chapter. We'd try to stop them, but it's best not to mess with anybody who owns their own joke-shop._

With this, Hermione got up from the computer-chair and looked expectantly at the twins, who were rubbing their hands together.

"Right, well. We're really honored that your letting us do this and all..." started Fred.

"But we just want to warn you that some of what you see us type might offend you at first. But it will all be in good taste in the end, so we will appreciate it if you hold your objections until we've finished typing," finished George.

Ginny, Harry, Hermione, and Ron each nodded in a helpless manner as Fred and George began to type (Fred hit the keys on the right hand side of the keyboard, and George used those on the left.)

_The next day, things got infinitely more interesting owing to more creative (though still healthily modest) authors. In order to allow these new authors the chance to exhibit their wit, the main characters will once again run into Draco Malfoy and begin a verbal sparring match. _

_Ron started the argument by saying, "Malfoy, was it lonely around your house this summer with your father in prison?" Admittedly, this question was not _exceptionally _witty, but that's because Ron isn't all that bright. Er, well... he's not stupid or anything, we just mean to say that he's not as bright as... his charming older twin brothers, for instance. _

_Malfoy responded cooly, "Not as lonely as the inside of your empty skull." Ouch. Okay, so Malfoy's actually one-up at this point._

_"At least I haven't slept with Pansy Parkinson!" retaliated Ron savagely._

_"First of all, you used that one already. Second of all, I really didn't have much of a choice in the matter. She had me in a rather, er... compromising situation involving a set of gobstones, an egret, and all of the Jacks out of a deck of cards. So, as you can see, I had to do basically whatever she wanted. But you seem to have started going with Granger of your own will, which is _much _worse than me being coerced by Parkinson."_

_It seemed as if Draco might actually win this battle of wits, so Hermione thought fast. She decided that she would perform a vanishing spell on... Draco's robes. Not because she was being unfaithful to Ron or anything, but simply because she had heard a rumor which she was curious about. She had heard that Malfoy was missing his... er.. bludgers, and she wanted to find out for sure. _

_Turned out, the rumor was true._

_Malfoy quickly performed the "accio" spell to bring some replacement robes to him from the laundry room. Still he was caught rather off his game by the sudden loss of his clothes. As he quickly put on the newly acquired robes, he struggled to think of a good verbal comeback._

_However, he was spared the necessity to do so because at that very moment, Harry realized that all the conflict that had been building between himself and Malfoy over the years was simply repressed sexual tension. Harry believed that, Bludgers or no, Malfoy was one sexy man. Thus, he promptly snogged him._

"What?" yelled Harry at this point in the story, unable to contain himself any longer.

"Oh, come on, you want this story to accurately reflect the average fanfiction story, right? And a lot of fanfiction stories have you and Malfoy hooking up. To not even give _mention _to the pairing in your fic is simply not representative of fanfictiondom as a whole. Besides, didn't we tell you to hold your objections until the end?" asked George firmly.

"But--" sputtered Harry. Then he left the sentence dangle there because he had once again made the mistake of beginning a sentence without an end in mind.

However, he was spared searching for one because at just that moment, Lee Jordan's head appeared in the fireplace in the computer room.

"Fred and George, you've got to come back here to the joke-shop _now. _The alpacas we've been testing on have started to act all... funny. A couple of them have started to sprout wings, and a few others have started to shrink. Ah, no! This one's done both!" shouted Lee as a miniature flying alpaca soared past his ear and into the computer room.

George quickly caught the flying mini-beast and flooed back to his shop, quickly followed by Fred, who said, "Well, I guess that's all we've got time to write. Good luck with the rest of the story!"

"So, they really _do _use alpacas for test subjects?" asked Hermione confusedly.

"It would appear so," said Harry, skeptically.

"So... we're going to delete what they wrote and start from scratch on this chapter, right?" asked Ginny hopefully.

"No, as I said yesterday, we can't use the delete key in fanfiction. We'll simply do what any self-respecting fanfiction writer would do in a situation where he or she wrote something that conflicted with the plot as they had wished it to develop. Reveal that it had all been a dream. Besides, this will give us a chance to use another of our reviewer's suggestions, and have Ginny comfort Harry after this dream, even though it starred Malfoy instead of the Dark Lord. However, as the twins didn't put any typoes in their section, we're going to have to make up for lost time. Ginny, do you want to type this part?"

"Sure," responded Ginny, as she began to type.

_Then, Harry woke up. He looked over to find Ginny sleeping beside him, although in a strictly plutonic way. Not that we haven't already established that fanfiction Ginny is a prozatoot just, her brother wuz in thee next bed ohver. _

_At any rate, Ginny awoke almost immediately after Harry, on the grounds that she could sense that he had been having a frightening dream. "What _is _it?" she asked sweetly._

_"I was having a bad dreem again," admitted Harry._

_"About He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" Ginny asked, concerned._

_"No, about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Kissed. Unfortunately, in the dream, I kissed him anyway," Harry said ashamedly._

_"Wait, who's he who must not be kissed?" asked Ginny, confused._

_"Malfoy," responded Harry. "Although, there's several other hes who must not be kissed as well. Snape for instance. Or, well... any guy must not be kissed by me... You know, I'm just going to quit now, while I'm ahead."_

_"Oh. Harry. Er. How do I put this sensitively? You don't, er... You don't _want _to kiss him, do you?" asked Ginny._

_"Whom? Snape or Malfoy? Wait. That was the wrong response. I don't want to kiss either of them. I like women. You particularly. And aren't you supposed to be comforting me rather than making me feel insecure about my masculinity?" ascd Harry._

_"You can't blame _me _for your being insecure about you're masculinity, but I don't suppose it could hurt to try to cheer you up," said Ginny thoughtfully. Then, she kissed him passionately, and it was so good that he forgot all about the dreamt kiss he had shared with Malfoy._

"Ew... I don't know if your bit was any better than the twins'," stated Ron.

"Yeah, well, at least in this bit I was kissing the right person," said Harry.

"From the right gender, more importantly," agreed Ron.

"Anyway. It's time for the ending authors' note," said Hermione.

_A/N: Right, so we're sorry about all that, we've basically lost this chapter then, but next chapter will be when the school term starts in earnest. _

A/N from Gryffindor777: Er, right. Well. This chapter definitely isn't my favorite so far, but I'll read back over it once and decide whether or not to post it as is... Either way, let me know whether or not it sucked...


	12. The Potions Accident

A/N: Okay, I might as well tell you why I didn't like last chapter as much as the other ones. First of all, writing the twins' bit made me uncomfortable for at least two reasons. 1) they had promised clever remarks and I wasn't sure whether I could deliver (most of the other funny things in this story were not so much clever as funny because they were nonsensical) and 2) I thought their bit was a little risque. Oh well... they may or may not make an appearance in some later chapter. Anyway, thanks to Megan, Rubberduckiesofdoom and rockisrocken for suggestions about Malfoy which I used and abused to come up with this chapter.

Chapter 12

The Potions Accident

"Wow! We certainly got a lot of reviews for that chapter!" said Hermione. Although she had been cured of her review addiction several chapters ago, she still got somewhat more excited than was purely logical about them.

"Or Fred and George did at any rate," said Ron, somewhat sourly.

"Oh, just because we got more reviews than usual on a chapter that you didn't help write doesn't mean that people don't appreciate you," said Hermione.

"Yeah, GrimReapers'Assistant even said you were her favorite," said Ginny.

"So what's your problem?" asked Harry curiously.

"Well, dammit, we mentioned that we were going for bonus points in two previous chapters, and nobody's actually _sent _us any. Although these waffles are nice. And the spam," said Ron, taking a bite of a spam-covered waffle.

"Yes, well, we'll just have to keep trying then, won't we?" asked Hermione patiently.

"I suppose," said Ron.

"All right, now just let me write the author's note, and then we'll talk strategy," said Hermione. She began to type.

_A/N: Right, well... 18 might be over the limit for individual responses, but we'll respond to some overarching concerns, and also thank our e-gift-givers._

_First of all, we've notified Fred and George that there's apparently a market for miniature flying alpacas, so they are now beginning to produce them on purpose. Also, a special thanks to those who comment specifically on a joke they particularly liked, that always makes us feel special._

_Thanks to hrrypttrfan for the cookies, ashvaultrosegarden for the trail-mix and spam (and yeah, Harry's sent an owl to Dobby to calm him down...), thanks to grimreaper'sassistant for the video-games, and Megan for the Muffin._

"All right, good deal," said Ginny. "Now what's going on this chapter?"

"Well, as we still haven't actually come up with a plot yet, we're going to try to distract the readers from figuring that out by adding more ridiculous cliches. Now, at this point, there's a decent amount of clamor on the review page for each a transformation of Malfoy and the addition of a Mary-Sue. Which do you guys want to do first?" asked Hermione.

"Wait, if we transform Malfoy and make him friendly to us, who are we going to have witty verbal battles with?" asked Harry.

"Actually, I think I figured out a way to work around that," said Ron, who had been reading fanfictions again to come up with new ideas. He was really intent on getting some bonus points for the story.

"Okay, fine, we might as well do that one first then," said Hermione. "We can introduce the Mary-Sue in the next chapter."

"Wait, haven't we already missed the boat on that one?" asked Ginny. "We've already been through the sorting and everything."

"Yeah, but if everybody _else _can introduce a Mary-Sue into the beginning of sixth year out of the blue, there's really no reason we can't introduce her into the _middle _of the sixth year. So, Ron, you dictate, Harry will type. There's just a couple of things I need to let you know. The reviewer 'Dragon' seems to think we're using better grammar than is realistic for a fanfiction. And now that I think about it, we've been using too many compound-complex sentences as well. So try to simplify the sentences and turn some of them into fragments. Other than that, we're good to go, I suppose," said Hermione.

Ron began to dictate as Harry began to type.

_The first potions class of the term came much too quickly for the lyking of Herman, Rahn, and Hairy. They were nervous because of the insane number of potions accidents that always happened in there with plot-altering consequences. Oh, wait. That had never happened before. But the fanfiction community as a whole still seems to think that a potions accident is the most convenient way to explain anything weird that happens, so the characters felt that there was a good chance that something important was about to happen during this lesson._

_They were making an engorgement potion. Malfoy, as usual, was the only one who was not getting yelled at for making mistakes. However, today was going to be the day when he was going to make a major screw-up._

Hermione cleared her throat to gain Harry and Ron's attention. "Guys, you must not have been paying attention because your sentences are still way too correct! Use less adjectives and adverbs, and stop using proper sentences as much!"

_You see, although it had never been mentioned in the books. Draco had unusually frequent urges. To urinate. It, may, have, had, something, to, do, with, his, missing, bludgers. But maybe not. At any rate, he really had to go? And clearly, he couldn't ask Snape to be excused, because it was really urgent. But, he couldn't be expected to just pee in his robes, could he? Of course not. _

_So, instead, he peaed in his cauldron. _

_Ten minutes later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were explaining what had happened to a very confused Madam Pomfrey, to whose's auffice they had been asked to take Draco to. Or, that is to say, whos office they had taken the two Dracoes to. That's right, there were two of them._

_"So, then he relieved himself into the incomplete potion. And _apparently_ you're not supposed to _do _that. Because the potion splattered all over him, and then there were suddenly two of him standing there, neither of whom had put his... er... broomstick... away after relieving himself," explained Harry in a very confused tone._

_"I had been expect that something like this would happen soon. I expect that they've got opposing personalities," responded Madame Pomfrey, offering the two Malfoys magical tic-tacs. _

_The tic-tac of the Malfoy to the left turned cinnamon to signify that he belonged in Gryffindor while the other Malfoy's turned mint to signify that he was still properly placed within Slytherin. _

_The Malfoy to the left, (whom will bee forthwith referring too as Cinnamon-Malfoy), spoke up. "Ah, well, that's a relief then. I was hoping I wouldn't have to hang out with this git any longer," he said, distancing himself from Minty-Malfoy and getting closer to the Golden Trio whom promptly accepted him without any reservation because their just nice peeple. _

_"But how can you call me a git?" asked Minty Malfoy. "I'm a pure-blud! If anybody's a git it's that Grainger mudblood or the Potter half-blood!"_

_"You see, Minty will be even more of a Slytherin than he was before, while the cinnamon Malfoy will be a complete Gryffindor. The effects of the potion will last until such a time as the authors get bored with the idea."_

"Yeah, all right, that should do it for that bit," acknowledged Hermione. "There's just a little more that I need to write in this chapter though, to fulfill some reviewer requests."

_"Hey, don't call her a mudblood," said Cinnamon Draco. "She's a lot smarter than I am and I'm a pureblood too. It's enough to prove that we can't judge a person just because of their blood!" _

_Hermione thought this was a very interesting development, a Malfoy sticking up for her. She regarded Cinnamon in a new light. However, Ron saw the weigh in which Hermione was looking at Cinnamon in. In. And, of course, he immediately went into a transport of jealousy sew complete that he lost the ability to use verbs or words of greater than! one syllable. _

_"So this your plan all the time git? Pee in class and love from the girl? I very mad. I not stand for this! I may not as hot as you but I more love for that brown-haired-chick than you! Her name too long!" said Ron irritably._

_"You don't have to worry about any competition from me," said Cinnamon nicely. "You see, I, logically, am not attracted to women, on the grounds that I am the opposite of the other Malfoy, who is attracted to women. I am not, however, actually gay, because it seems that this author doesn't want to write slash. Therefore, the author will argue that the opposite of attraction to women is a lack of attraction to women, instead of an attraction to men."_

_"Oh, right, I forgot," said Ron. "I guess we can be friends then. But where are you going to sleep? There are only five beds in our dorm."_

_As if to! answer that question, the door to the infirmary opened again. Neville was leading a boy who looked vaguely like a cross between Seamus and Dean._

_"Er..." began Neville. "Once Malfoy left, Seamus and Dean apparently decided that peeing in cauldrons was a new fad or something, so they peed in theirs too. However, apparently when two people pee in it, it has a different effect, because it splattered on both of them, and they sort of, combined into one person. I think we should call him Deamus."_

_"Oh, well, there you go," said Ron. "You can sleep in Dean's old bed and Deamus will sleep in Samus' bed."_

_And then they all lived happily until the next chapter._

"Well, that should do it for this chapter then," said Hermione. "I just hope it's not too confusing to read with all the grammatical errors. Oh well. At least I don't have to read it."

"All right, can I write the ending author's note?" asked Ginny.

"Sure," everybody agreed.

_A/N: All right, next chapter you all can expect the introduction of a Mary Sue. You asked for it... And it will probably be just as twisted as this chapter. But if the general response to last chapter was any indication, twisted is good in the eyes of fanfictioners, so there you have it. Oh, and I've decided that we've been given a lot of e-gifts and really ought to start to give something back, so here's a bunch of e-butter beers. Everybody who reviews gets one! That's right. We're bribing you for reviews!_

A/N: Well... this was a bit shorter than previous chapters. And I can't even use the excuse that this chapter length was necessary for the formation of the plot, because there isn't one. But this length is necessary if I want to update tonight, which I do. So, this is the length it will stay.


	13. A Mary Sue Appears

A/N: Okay, thanks to the suggestions from lizztigger, lizzieizbizzie, ashvaultrosegarden, phillippaofthephoenix, and anybody who I may have forgotten, to help shape the Mary Sue. Any suggestions about her that I have not yet used may appear in later chapters (I can't say much for sure, I have almost no idea about where the later chapters are going, except that I think the next one may include a quidditch match).

Chapter 13:

A Mary Sue Appears

After they had read all the reviews for the previous chapter, Hermione turned to Ron.

"Well... as you seem to be most people's favorite, you may as well respond to the reviewers," said Hermione.

So, Ron did, so excited about the bonus points and the adoration from the reviewers that he completely forgot that he was a horrible typist.

_A/N: Finally, some bonus points._

_lizztigger: Yay! You were the first to give bonus-points!_

_pinkpunkkitty: Thanks for the spamburger and fries, and the penguins._

_tangerine-y: Thanks for the bonus-points, and we're pleased you like the story._

_PhillippaofthePhoenix: We love making people laugh out loud... yay for Deamus._

_ashvaultrosegarden: you've got a terribly vivid description of a mary-sue, perhaps you should think of writing a Mary-Sue parody yourself. _

_hrrypttrfan: wait, are you implying that you _don't _like the story we're posting? _; )

_lizzieizbizzie: Hermione is ecstatc that a house-elf has a master liberal enough to let them use a computer. _

_niwrem: Unraisenness is good. Yeah, we were disturbed about Fred and George's bit too, although we can't guarantee they won't come back and write more later._

_rubberduckiesofdoom: I'm not sure something _can _be funny without being a bit weird._

_skittles: Yay! We're glad last chapter was someone's favorite chapter so far, because it means we haven't lost our touch yet. _(Gryffindor777 wants to know whether the "So Long and Thanks for all the Butterbeer" quote owes anything to Douglas Adams?)

_GrimReaper'sAssistant: I'm so glad your not mature! Now I've got an extra bonus point!_

_Insanepyroshorty: Wow, sprite's rather good! _

_J.N Cecelia Venberg: Yay! More bonus points!_

"All right," said Hermione. "This chapter is going to be tough. We've got an insane number of suggestions for how to characterize our Mary Sue. Obviously we can't use all of them, and if we drew too much from any one suggestion, that wouldn't be very creative of us. But I think I can do it tastefully. So, I'll do it. Also, I think Ron's been right when he's been telling me lately that I need to learn to laugh at myself, so this section's even going to include a little bit of Hermione-bashing (which is for some reason exceptionally abundant in the fanfiction world.)"

_"I'm bored," said Harry, sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall at some point after the previous chapter._

_"Me too," said Ron._

_"What do you think we should do?" asked Ginny._

_"Why don't we try to learn how to apparate illegally?" asked Harry._

_"Yeah, we could practice right here," said Ron._

_"How many times do I have to tell you to read Hogwarts a History?" asked Hermione eerietablely. "You can't apparate on Hogwarts grounds!"_

_Unfortunately, at that particular moment, someone apparated onto Hogwarts grounds. Right into the seat next to where Ron was sitting, somehow managing to place herself in between Hermione and Ron (note the symbolism!)(Fanfiction authors are nothing if not subtle)(or was it "nothing if not sarcastic"?), who had been sitting rather close together in the first place. From this moment, Hermione knew there was going to be an intense rivalry between her and this girl. And this knowledge only increased when she ohpenned her mowth. _

_"Hi, my name is Mary Sue Weasley-Black-Lupin-Potter-Hyphen-Dumbledore-Excellentia. But, in order not to hike up the word-count, you can call me Aurora, which is an psychopathic name to have as a nickname, but has the benefit of sounding like 'Auror.'"_

_"Er, what are you doing here?" asked Hermione jealously. Hermione was not sure why she was jealous. Perhaps it was because the girl had a longer name than her. She sized "Aurora" up. She was the perfect height (whatever that turns out to be) and curvier than a slithering snake (which, incidentally, doesn't sound as appealing as it looked). Her hair was currently brown, but changed according to her mood (she hadn't actually told anybody this yet, nor had it happened yet, but there was something about her that made it blatantly obvious to any bystanders that her hair would change colors if provoked). Her eyes were rainbow-colored, red-orange-yellow-green-blue-indigo-violet from the outside of the rim of her iris to the center of her aye. She didn't have any pewpulls, she was perfect enough to see without them. _

_Dumbledore sat up as his chair. "I see you have all noticed your new peer, Aurora. She will be joining the sixth year, as she was educated in all of the necessary magic up to that point at an American wizarding school. She had to stop attending the school because it was shut down by Republicans. So now she's here. She can be in Gryffindor, as she managed to apparate herself to that table. Which is very impressive considering that it's impossible," concluded Dumbledore._

"Okay, Harry, you can write the next bit," instructed Hermione. "In it, the Mary Sue shall reveal that she has a link to Harry. Also, we've been told that we need more repetitive jokes, so come up with some that can keep being brought up," she suggested.

"All right, here goes," said Harry.

_Minty walked over to the table to survey the new girl. "Are you a pure-blood?" he asked (one of the side-effects of the potions, as it continued to make each version of Malfoy more and more opposite from the other, had been to require Minty-Malfoy to fixate on Slytherin's blood fetish to the extent that he had to say some form of the word "blood" in each sentence. _

_"No, I'm actually muggle-born," explained Aurora._

_Minty walked away, obviously disappointed. _

_"Wait, if you're muggle-born, how did you get all those wizarding-surnames as part of your name?" asked Harry, confusedly._

_"Coincidence?" Aurora asked. "Although, I am related to your mother. I am her second cousin once removed. Once removed from the country, that is. But I'm back now, and I want to have your children."_

_"Er... Wouldn't that be incestuous?" asked Harry, curiously._

_"Not by wizarding's brave standards," said Cinnamon, who was required to mention a form of the word 'brave' in each sentence he said. "I will bravely reveal to you all that I am actually my own first, second, and third cousin. Incidentally, if Minty bravely sleeps with Pansy Parkinson again, he runs the risk of being his kid's father and great uncle."_

"In all fairness, not _all _wizarding families are inbred," said Ron, who was reading over Harry's shoulder as he typed.

"True, but you'd figure the ones in Slytherin would be the most so," said Harry logically.

"Yeah, all right, but I've just had a sudden inspiration... Can I finish out the chapter?" asked Ginny.

"Yeah, all right," agreed Harry, as he got up from the chair.

_Harry pondered the thought of allowing Aurora to have his children. He had, of course, noticed that she was extremely sexy, being the little pervert that he always is in fanfictions. However, he then remembered that he was _Ginny's _little pervert. _

_She had gotten a button reminding him of that for his birthday. "Ginny's little pervert," it read, in dark red letters. And like the "Support Cedric Diggory" badges that Malfoy had made during fourth year, it flashed and said something different when you pressed it._

_However, what it said when pressed was, "Unicorns on Cocaine Presently." Perhaps that was why it had been on discount. _

_So, having remembered that he was Ginny's pervert, he knew he could not be unfaithful to her. Because being unfaithful to her would mean that he would be imperfect, and if he were imperfect, than this story would get angry reviews reminding the authors that Harry is perfect. _

_However, Ron is not considered to be perfect, and so there's still a chance that he may fall for Aurora. But we'll leave that as a potential source of conflict for next chapter._

_A/N: All right, that's the end for this chapter. Well... Since you've all been so nice to us so far, we've decided to once again give a gift back to everyone who reviews. Tonight: canary creams!_

A/N: Hmm... Okay, yeah. So, now I've got a Mary Sue. So, I think I've got the necessary characters for this story now, and so if I just let them run around and try to find a plot to get mixed up in, I can continue this for at least several more chapters.


	14. Gryffindor v Slytherin

A/N: It's getting harder to look back in the reviews and figure out who gave me what idea idea for which bit, but I'll try. At any rate, I'm pretty sure that most of this chapter came from my own ideas. If I've missed anybody, just let me know, and I'll put your thanks blurb in the next chapter. Thanks to LizzieizBizzie and Dragon for insight into the fact that Mary Sue has to have a terrible past in which her father dies.

Chapter 14:

Gryffindor v. Slytherin

Because Gryffindor777 has finally gotten fed up with explaining just who arrived in the computer room first and why, this chapter starts out directly with Ron typing the beginning authors' note.

_A/N: Wow... 19 reviews for last chapter. Yay for canary creams... By the way, those of you who seemed apprehensive to take them should have realized that we didn't necessarily mean for _you _to eat them... You could have slipped one to an unexpecting friend or something. Oh well. Just a couple of general concerns ('cause we can't respond to 19 reviews, sorry!) before we get started. To those of you who liked Mary Sue's nick-name, that was LizzieIzBizzie's idea... She also gets a shout-out for giving the most creative review yet... she's created a house-elf character of her own with which to review... We're also glad the Republican bit seemed to amuse so many people... No offense to any Republicans reading this. (We assume _some _have got to be literate.. (damn, sorry, that was the last bit of Republican-bashing, promise!)) Plus, at least two of you liked the "Unicorns on Cocaine Presently" which was my favorite bit. Thanks to Prinnygirl, J.N. Cecelia Vanberg, Grim Reaper's Assistant, hrrypttrfan, scaryharry, Fawkes, and Insanepyroshorty for their e-gifts/bonuspoints. _

"All right, what's on the agenda for this chapter?" asked Harry.

"Er... Agenda? What about Quidditch?" asked Hermione.

"Sounds good," everybody chorused.

"Of course, this won't be an ordinary Quidditch-match, for a number of reasons. First of all, fanfiction-writers don't seem to have easy access to the rules of the game while writing about a Quidditch match. Therefore, the rules and facts about the game will be ignored, altered, or downright turned upside-down. Nothing is sacred. I doubt people are even unanimous that the game takes place on broomsticks. Also, Mary-Sue, though she will not have tried out beforehand, must somehow get onto the team and do better than everybody else. Except Harry of course. Harry, by the way, must catch the Snitch, no matter what. Nobody will like it if Harry doesn't get the Snitch, and there will be _angry reviews. _And there's only really been one bad review for this fic so far (someone said it was "too out there for most people...") we don't want to tarnish our record now. Also, we've got to go back to the bad grammar because reviewer Phoenix is disappointed in us for relinquishing it, and it _was _kind of fun. Er, other than that, we've just got to have a bit more tension develop between me and the Mary-Sue, because everybody seems to think of me as the anti-Mary-Sue. So, I'll write the first bit."

_Then, time skipped forward to the day of the Quidditch Match between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Nobody cares who's on the Slytherin team, except that Minty, and Crabbe and Goyle were in the same positions as they had been during the previous year. Without any adequate explanation, Fred and George were back in their old Beater positions. Ron was still Keeper, and Ginny had been made Chaser, along with Neville Longbottom and Colin Creevey in spite of the fact that they're really clumsy because at least this way the author doesn't have to make up new names for the extra chasers. _

_Because all of her real friends were playing in the game, Hermione sat with Cinnamon and Aurora during the match. Aurora had now put her "Attract Ron Weasley Plan," which probably should have been introduced in the previous chapter, into full action. She was carrying a sign that said "Ron Weasley's Da Man" (her time in America seemed to have affected her brain. She was always saying really weird things like that). Also, her attempts to attract Ron had put her into a very passionate mood, which made her hair turn fiery red. Then she realized that such a color hair would make it look like she was related to Ron (who was not into incest, in spite of a really gross fanfiction summary I've seen...) which would not be good. So she adopted an "alluring" mood instead, which turned her hair a blonde color._

Harry said, "Hold up a second... can you really call a blonde a color?"

"Sure," said Hermione, "it's a hair color, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but just calling it a "color" makes it sound like it's a color on the level of, like, blue or something. All I'm saying is, try using blonde next time you want to use whitish-yellow, or something, and it won't work," challenged Harry. "And by the way, you've forgotten to screw up your grammar, and you've got too many complicated sentences!" said Harry, feeling it was nice to be able to critique Hermione's writing for a change.

_Quiddtich match started. Brooms took off. So did people on the brooms. The sun was blonde._

"All right, fine, you're right. It doesn't work. But this simple-sentence thing is killing me!" complained Hermione.

"Oh, fine, it doesn't have to be every sentence," conceded Harry. Just throw some messed up grammar in every once in a while, like we do with the typoes, which you've also been forgetting. And remember, we need more repetitive humor, according to our lovely reviewers. How about you mention another button? People seemed to like the last one, we could turn it into a once a chapter event."

_As the match began, Minty came over to taunt Harry, but was somewhat hindered in doing so by his standing requirement to say "blood" in each sentence. _

_"You fly like blood!" he teased tentatively, and then frowned when he realized that his insult didn't really work._

_"Blood can't fly!" retorted Harry._

_"I bloody know that," said Minty angrily. "That's the bloody point. You can't bloody fly either!"_

_"What a diss," said Ron, as he pointed at Malfoy again. More specifically, he was pointing at a button on Minty's robes which Ginny had surreptitiously stuck there without him noticing. It had bin another one of the buttons which had been on the discount racc at the magical butun stoar. _

_It read: "I Fly Like a Drunk Penguin with a Bag Over its Head and Both Flightless Wings Pinned to Its Back." That's right. The button said all that. It was a very large button._

_Malfoy somehow managed to press the button inadvertantly without noticing that he was wharing it. It now read: "Baby, Stolen Tylenol Stings: It Turns Me On."_

_Ron then suddenly remembered that he was supposed be guarding a goal or something. Unfortunately, before he had realized this, Slytherin had scored 50 points. It was now 50 to 0 in Slytherin's favor. _

"All right, that's all I want to type. How about you type some Harry? You can do the rest of the match, just make sure to get Mary-Sue in the match somehow, and preferably reveal something about her tarnished past which the reviewers are pretty insistent upon. Remember, all the rules of Quidditch are out the window, as are the rules of grammar," Hermione urged.

_In the stands, Aurora knew she couldn't just sit idolee buy and watch her team lose. But she had never learned how to fly at the wizarding school in America. The Republicans had made sure of that (okay, seriously, that's the _last _time!). If only she could have a natural ability for flying without ever having learned. _

_Oh, weight! That's right! She DID know how to fly, and she had a broom as well. Here's how it had happened. When she was a young girl (we're going to say 4) her father had been sweeping with what he thought was a normal broom. However, it turned out to be a Firebolt (in spite of the fact that they would not be invented for almost another decade) and it also turned out to dislike her father. Thus, it rose up in the air and beat him around the head until he had deaded. However, the broom decided that it wanted to be Aurora's friend, and therefor let her pet it, and let her fly on it whenever she wanted. From then on, it had been her loyal broom, which she immediately knew how to use, and which was now sitting in her dormitory. This whole ordeal turned her mother into a very nasty lady and it made her turn out to be nastier than the Dursleys, especially once she found out that her daughter was Magical and thus, however remotely, connected to the type of people who had created the fatal broomstick._

_However, on more happyer matterses, Mary-Sue pointed her wand back toward the dormitory, muttered "Accio Firebolt" and watched her broomstic flew toward her. She mounted it, and flew into the air, subbing in for Colin, who had just realized that he was a terrible flyer. Speaking of terrible flyers, it seems to be the general consensus of fanfiction writers that since Malfoy is a mean person, he also cannot fly. It turns out, the same applies to Minty, so just as Aurora subbed in, he fell off his broom. He lived, of course, because otherwise there would be nobody for the protagonists to have witty verbal battles with. He mounted his broom again and tried to remember what color the Snitch he was supposed to be looking for was supposed to be. _

_Aurora was, of course, excellent at Quidditch. She immediately scored 30 points for Gryffindor by putting 3 of the 6 Quaffles through the goals at the same time. The Bludgers looked like they might hit Harery, and that just would not do, so she summoned all four bludgers toward her with a simple nod of her head (she could, of course, do wandless magic, but that wasn't what this was. The bludgers simply wanted to be her friends as well.). At her instruction, three of them pelted off toward Malfoy, and the fourth flew about the sky in a path that spelled "Gryffindor Quidditch Rules!" _

_Aurora scored 120 more points by putting all of the Quaffles through the goals at the same time (that's right, now there's 12 Quaffles. Don't encourage them or there'll be more!). She got an additional 17 points simply for being very pretty. Minty fell off his broom again._

_Before Minty had remounted Aurora scored 76 more points. _

_Things were looking good for the Gryffindor team. At this rate, they'd win the game whether Harry caught the Snitch or not. But somehow, Harry sensed that it was still vital that he caught the Snitch. However, he did not see it until the score was 1,236 to 30 (that's right, the Slytherins had somehow managed to lose points since Aurora got in). When he sees it, it was beening over by Malfoy's knee. Three feet from his knee. Malfoy saw it just as Harry did. Harry 200 feet away. But still. Somehow, Harry must get that damn snitch to avoid angry reviews! Malfoy reached out toward the Snitch... But was blocked by a pair of mini-flying alpacas. He was so surprised to see them that he fell off his broom again, thus leaving the path open for Harry to grab the Snitch._

"All right," said Hermione. "That could wrap it up, except that Harry has not yet received an injury. And he's got to, because he and Ginny need to have a passionate snogging session in the hospital wing. So, Ginny, do you want to write about him getting injured and you, er... tending to it?"

"Sure," said Ginny.

_Harry was able to grab the Snitch, but was then knocked off his broom by the miniature alpacas. For some reason he, unlike Minty, was injured when he hit the ground. This was okay though, because it meant that Harry got to go to his favorite place on the grounds: The Hoespittle Wing. _

_Since the first time he had entered the Wing, Harry had known that it would be the best room in the Castle within which to have a romantic moment. He liked the sterile atmosphere, for some reason. _

_When he arrived in the Hospital Wing this time, he had several broken bones. Of course, Madame Pompfree was able to mend them almost immediately, so that wasn't too much of a problem. However, she still demanded that he should stay in the Infirmary overnight, but for some reason had no objection to the idea that Ginny should stay there with him. _

_Thus, they were able to fulfill the requisite Hospital Wing makeout session, into which we shall not go greatly into detail because that's private. However, it should be noted that during all this, to ease the pain from his now healing bones, Ginny gave Harry some stolen tylenol. The button was absolutely right. Although it stung, Harry was very turned on. Although, he wasn't sure that that had anything to do with the tylenol. _

"All right, Ron, you might as well do the ending author's note as well then," said Ginny.

"Okay," said Ron.

_A/N: Right then. I've been told that next chapter will probably include a Defense Against the Dark Arst Lesson. We certainly hope that you still like all this, although it's my personal opinion that things are getting a little bit out of control. Oh well... Tonight, we present all of our reviewers with some Honeydukes chocolate, as all of our reviewers seem to be very fond of chocolate. _

A/N: Yeah. Okay. Things are getting a bit insane, I guess. Ah well, I think I like this chapter. Yes, I know, it's slapstick, but I feel that I don't have the time for subtlety anyway. Oh well. Just to let you guys know I was inspired to write this chapter 'cause in my more serious fic, I have a Quidditch match in which Harry did not catch the Snitch. This made one reviewer very angry. Anyway... Thanks to everybody who's read up to this point, especially to the rather large number of you who review rather consistently.


	15. Nearly A Plot

Chapter 15

Nearly a Plot

"All right, I've had a sudden inspiration for this chapter, so it turns out we won't be discussing Defense against the Dark Arts class after all," Hermione announced once the four had gathered once again in the computer room.

"But I told the reviewers-" Ron said uncertainly.

"It'll be okay, they won't mind. I assume. Anyway, we'll get to it next chapter or so. There's no rush, really, as we never seem to spend a whole lot of time in class during fanfictions anyway. Anyhow, I've realized that we _really _need to start at least _pretending _to have a plot or people are going to start thinking that we're not going to come up with one," explained Hermione.

"Er... Are we going to come up with one?" asked Harry uncertainly. Coming up with a plot sounded as if it might be hard, and he had rather hoped that writing fanfiction would not be hard. After all, he was on his summer holiday.

"Probably not," revealed Hermione, "but we can't let _them _know that." She gestured vaguely at the computer.

"Well, what are we going to do, then?" asked Ginny.

"We're going to use a literary device known as foreshadowing," said Hermione cryptically.

"But, er... How are we going to foreshadow if we don't know what the plot is? Don't we need to know what were foreshadowing?" asked Ginny.

"Not necessarily," said Hermione. "Foreshadowing is a rather complex literary device, and so when it is used in fanfiction, it is often obvious that most writers are unable to actually handle it. It usually comes off rather confusing and nonsensical. As does much else in fanfiction, come think. But that's not the point. The point is that as long as the foreshadowing is vague enough, whatever the plot turns out to be will seem to have been foreshadowed by it."

"Once we decide what it is?" clarified Harry.

"Of course," said Hermione. "So, I'm going to start off writing the beginning author's note, and I want you guys to be thinking of some way that we can put in some foreshadowing. Whoever thinks of it gets to write the next bit."

_A/N: Right, so if anybody was actually looking forward to reading about the Defense Against the Dark Arts class (which we can only assume will be taught by all three professors at the same time) will be vaguely disappointed by this chapter. But, anybody who's still reading this is obviously coming for some reason other than the promise of a DADA class anyway. I supsect the reason is the chocolate and butterbeer, but that's just my theory. Anyway... Thanks to everyone who reviewed for last chapter, especially as the reviews are getting increasingly fun to read, since several of them are actually funny themselves. Thanks to lizztigger, threatenedwriter, hrrypttrfan, insanepyroshorty, xAprilxBlossomsx, Tigoamy, Jessica L'rynn, and niwrem for the e-things/bonus points. By the way, after two people commented on the "Hoespittle" thing, I must admit that I don't think we fully realized the double-meaning until somebody pointed it out (we intentionally put in "hoe" and "spittle" but hadn't really done the math to put them together and find that they were related to what was going on...). To respond to some direct questions from the reviews: Aylah: the button had to be large because it was funnier that way. Skittles: On the grounds that I'm still a bit sour about a fight Ron and I had this morning, I will answer that he has not reached the emotional maturity level of the giant squid as of yet. AshVaultRoseGarden: No, I've actually seen a story-summary in which Ginny hooks up with Draco and he consoles her because Ron raped her... Some people are downright twisted. Assume for the moment that that doens't include any of the several authors of this story and read on!_

_"_All right," said Hermione, after finishing up with that insanely long author's note. "Has anyone happened to come up with a foreshadowing idea yet?"

"Yes," answered Ron, "I think I've got one that'll work."

"Okay, good then," said Hermione. "Just remember to introduce another one of Ginny's discount-buttons this chapter, and keep up any other running jokes we might have. And remember the typoes and grammar issues. As it turns out, you still seem to have more fans amongst the reviewers than any of the rest of us, so you might as well write the whole chapter if you can handle it. I'll type, if you don't want to."

So, once again, Ron dictated while Hermione typed.

_It was: Night. They were in: the common room. To do some: fourshadowing. Ginny, was, of course, snuggling up with Harry on a kouch, because what else would a purvurt and a prostitute be expected to do in their time together? Ron and Hermione were fighting because they're required to be fighting throughout pretty much all of the typical fanfiction, especially when a Mary Sue is present. The Mary Sue was sitting next to Ron, explaining to him in the most modest way possible that she was actually the greatest flyer since brooms had been invented. _

_Cinnamon Malfoy was bragging to Neville Longbottom about just how brave he was, but did not seem to realize that he was wearing one of Ginny's discount-buttons. It read, "Nifflers are NOT Aphrodisiacs." At some point, Ginny tore herself away from Harry for long enough to press the button so that it read, "I'm High as a Skrewt with a Hernia!" in cheerful pink letters. _

_Now that all of the necessary running jokes have been mentioned it is now time to get down to some more plot related matters. To anyone who is surprised to hear that there _is_ a plot, I must express my disappointment at your apparent lack of concentration during the last several chapters in which I am quite sure that a plot has been plainly visible in at least seven unrelated sentences. Anyway._

_Neverville Longbottom, who had been listening quite intently to Cinnamon, suddenly went into a trance like state which Harry immediately recognized to be symptomatic of one who was about to make a prophecy. Not one to disappoint expectations, Neville immediately started to speak in an unnaturally deep and raspy, prophetic sounding voice. _

_He prophesied, "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her." _

_Ron, fearful of the mention of spiders, looked to his left and saw a spider sitting down on the chair. Mary Sue immediately placed it outside of the window because she ain't not been being afraid o' no spiders. _

_Neverill continued, "And the dish ran away with the spoon." _

_"Hey, isn't that a line from a muggle nursery-rhyme? In fact, weren't both the lines he's said muggle rhymes?" asked Ron suspiciously._

_"Maybe, but I don't think that's the point," answered Hermione, as she watched the dish which had contained her piece of chocolate-ice-cream-cake run away with the spoon which she had been using to eat the cake. "He seems to know what he's talking about. Perhaps we should listen to him."_

_However, beefor Nerveill could continue, Collllin Creeeeevey also adopted a prophetic trance and spoke out in a voice which made it quite clear that he was prophesying. _

_He said, "The dog will chase its tail."_

_Neville opined, "The cheese will soon be found."_

_Colin uttered, "The thing you are dreading will very nearly come to pass."_

_Neville said, "Wait, what?" although it was clear that he was still prophesying._

_"It will nearly come to pass. The thing they're dreading," repeated Colin slowly._

_"Er. Are you sure?" asked Neville prophetically._

_"Perhaps we should have a conference?" prophesied Colin. _

_After conferring in prophetic whispers for several moments, Nevisle and Colin returned with a conclusive prophesy which they spoke together in unison. "We have agreed that: Enemies are not friends. Friends are not tulips. Death is rather unlike sausage. The cheese may never be found after all. Colin was right about the thing about the dog, though, so watch for it. Oh, and one more bit: The lion will step on the rat but will then be bitten by the snake. But everything will be all right though, because Ron Weasley will save the day once Hermione works the Mary-Sue problem out."_

_At this, the two seers woke from their trances. The other inhabitants of the common-room, who had been politely attentive while the prophesying had been going on, burst into exited whispers, trying to figure out just what the prophecies might mean. _

"What did you think?" asked Ron, once he was finished.

"Not bad. Although you certainly used the word 'prophecy' and relatd forms a lot," said Hermione.

"True, but that's what fanfiction writers do. If they find a word they like, they stick to it to the end," said Ron.

"Too true," agreed Hermione.

With that, Hermione got up and offered the seat to Ginny so she could write the ending author's note.

_A/N: Right then. So, almost certainly next chapter will include a DADA class. I can also exclusively reveal that it will include appearances from: The number 76, another button, several trout, and possibly a grapefruit if you all behave yourselves well. The chocolate seemed to go over well last time, so we'll give chocolate frogs to anyone who reviews this chatper. _

A/N from Gryffindor777: All right, admittedly this chapter is shorter than... certain other chapters. But, once again, I'm about to lose concentration as I also updated my sixth year fic tonight, and keeping the chapter this length is the only way it's going to get uploaded tonight. Oh, by the way, I'm very excited by the fact that the hit counters are now free-services, 'cause I've always wondered how many people are actually reading my stuff, but I never could convince myself to actually pay to find out. So, yay to fanfiction dot net!


	16. Defense Against the Dark Arts

A/N: All right... I know I didn't update yesterday, but that's because I got addicted to www dot hpana dot com. It's got a Harry Potter forum where you can discuss basically anything related to the books, especially book 6. So, yeah, I'll be spending some time on there probably each day 'til the new book comes out. Now, back to this story, I need to thank Nemorosa Knopp who pointed out that I was wrong about Hermione and Harry being born 2 months apart, so I deleted the sentence in chapter 4 which claimed that they had. :Cough: What a dumbass I am. :End cough: At any rate, it's no big deal anyway 'cause it wasn't even one of the cleverer sentences in the chapter. Thanks to Jessica L'rynn (and probably others who I can't remember at the moment) who suggested the "random resurrection option." And I believe you will agree that mine is pretty random. (Tense pause while author searches for something...) Bah! Okay, look... I've been looking through the reviews list for several minutes and can't find who told me to put in the "boggart" scene w/ Mary Sue. Whoever you are, if you mention it in your review for this chapter (assuming you wanted to review... otherwise you could just e-mail me at brdplhen1 at aol dot com.) I will give you credit in next author's note. You'll notice, by the way, that I did not use your suggestion for what she should be afraid of (nothing) because... I like my idea better... ; )

Chapter 16

Defense Against the Dark Arts

"Okay, so, this chapter we've really got to have the characters go to their Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, or people may start to get irritable," said Hermione before they began work on the next chapter.

"Okay, I've got some ideas for what we could do, actually," said Harry.

"Cool," Hermione said. She was _always _using the word "cool." "Anyway, who wants to write the beginning author's note?"

"I will," said Ginny.

_A/N: Seriously, you guys are awesome... these reviews just keep getting better and better (not meaning that you guys are becoming more and more complimentary, because nearly everybody has been plenty complimentary from the beginning) because a lot of them are funny (I've got to say top prize for this chapter goes to "Vanessachick-who's-awesome" because she gave us all badges with witty sayings on them... Honorable mentions go to LizzieizBizzie, Hrrypttrfan, and Littlemisschatterbox). Twenty reviews for one chapter before we've put an update up too... that's a new record for this fic (and it completely blows certain other fics, like that "Harry Potter and the Coming War" by some fella named "Gryffindor777" out of the water). By the way, somebody asked what a hit counter was. On your stats page, if you go to stats by story, you can now see how many times each chapter of your story has been accessed. Pretty cool, I think. Oh, and I thought that prophetically was a word, although I can't be sure. All right. This is too long. Let's get to the actual story, shall we?_

Hermione, who was destined to keep her comments short on the grounds that the author (meaning, in this particular case, Gryffindor777) wants to get to the damn parody already, 'cause he has some ideas that need to get typed before they disappear, began to instruct Harry on what he was supposed to include in this chapter. "Okay, just make sure to put in a button, because those are just fun. Also, since the incessant use of the word prophecy and various forms seemed to go over well last chapter, I've decided we should have a new "word of the chapter" feature to more accurately exhibit fanfiction writer's tendency to stick with a word when they come up with one. This chapter, our word is "seduce" and its various forms. And don't feel yourself to be limited to forms that actually exist. Make some up if you like. And remember the grammatical errors. Also, as this is a DADA class, make sure that you've got us learning spells that are crazily complicated and too ridiculous to exist in real life, let alone be mastered by sixth year students if they did exist. Also, make sure that we master the spells pretty much immediately on the grounds that fanfiction authors cannot be bothered with writing about us struggling to grasp difficult spells. All right, that's all I can think of at this point. Harry, you might as well write this chapter pretty much by yourself (you can ask us for suggestions of course) even though the reviewers don't seem to like you quite as much as they like Ron. Oh well, I've said enough, it's time to get writing."

And so, Harry began.

_Aurora was bouncing up and down with excitement. She was finally going to get to go to her first ever Defense Against the Dark Arts class at Hogwarts. She could bearlee contain her exitment as she walked seductively into the classrewm. _

_All three of the professors were standing at the front of the room, including Lupin, as well as Scarlet and Ebony (you'd almost forgotten about them, hadn't you?). _

_Lupin was the first to address the class full of Gryffindor 5th years once it had first been seated. "Today, we will start class off with a boggart. The primary reason for this is that I like to see poor kids react to being shown their biggest fears in front of a group of their peers who can then be expected to make fun of them for it. It's how I get my jollies. So, who wants to face the boggart first?"_

_Ginny, who was sitting seductingly on Harry's lap, raised her hand. Yeah, she had been promoted to sixth year. Mostly because the average H/G shipper really can't stand to have Ginny and Harry apart for long enough to conduct classes. No offense to H/G shippers of course. I myself am one. Anyway. _

_So, Ginny is faced the boggart first. At this point, the Boggart turned into the twins snogging each other for the amusement of Ash-vault-Rose-Garden who has been absolutely insistent in her reviews that we needed to include some romance between those two (this is all you're getting, though... sorry). Ginny was very afraid of twincest, but was able to ridikkulus away the boggart anyway, clearing the way for Deamus to have a go. His boggart turned into a pink waffle topped with pineapples being eaten by an apricot playing the banjo. Deamus is a weird kid. Then, Merry Sue Aurora encountered the boggart. It turned into Hermione standing in front of her, reading a book entitled "How To Conquer a Mary-Sue." After about 5 more minutes, the greatest fears of each of the students had been revealed and heartily made fun of. This made Lupin _very _jolly._

_"Okay, I will now turn the class over to Ebony and Scarlet," said Lupin, gesturing seductively toward them. The seductive gesture will not be discussed in any further detail herein on the grounds that I have no idea _how _someone might manage to gesture seductively. _

_However, at that point, lesson interrupted by none other than Sirius Black apparating into the middle of the room. "I'm back from the dead," he stated simply. Nobody is surprised._

_"I knew you'd come around," said Lupin._

_However, at that point, Sirius tripped and fell flat on his face. It hurt. _

_"You know, on second thought," said Sirius irritably, after getting back up from having fallen on the floor, "maybe life isn't that great afterall. In the after life, there's no pain, and I get to be with James and Lily and everybody. Er... actually, I think I quite prefer it there, after-all. Yes. Hey, Harry, if you think you'll be all right on your own for a bit, I think I'm just going to nip off and go back to the dead," said Sirius cheerfully._

_"Okay," Harry agreed._

_Sirius vanished seductionately._

_"I think that's what the prophecy from last chapter meant when it said 'The dog will chase its tail," said Hermione._

_"What, it meant that Sirius, who is symbolized by a dog because that's his animagus form, came back to life but then went back to the dead, thus going around in a circle and metaphorically 'chasing his tail'?" asked Harry excitedly._

_"Er, no. I was talking about that," said Hermione, pointing over to the corner of the room where a Weimerainer Dog was chasing it's tail._

_"Right," said Scarlet. "So, as I was about to say, we've got some new and completely impossible spells to teach you."_

_Ebony, who was wearing one of Ginny's discount badges, was the next to speak. However, before she does, now would be a good time to explain what the badge said. It said, "It takes a special kind of wizard to be seduced by a toaster-oven." When pressed, it said, "Wizard's Chess Being Played by Goldfish Under the Full Moon." Nobody was entirely sure why it said either of those things. Anyway, Ebony spoke, saying, "The first spell we're going to teach you today is used to turn your opponent into a trout. And of course, trouts can't use wands, or breathe air, so if you use it on your opponent, they will be defenseless against you, and will soon die of suffocation. The incantation is "Troutus." The counter-curse is "Untroutus." Fanfiction writers like to keep the incantations as simple as possible so that they don't take much time to think of. It's easier that way. Anyway, begin practicing."_

_So, of course, Aurora learned the spell first. This made Hermione angry and made her thirst seductioningly for the day when she would finally bring about Aurora's downfall. Once Aurora transformed him back from a trout, Ron snogged her. One would think that it would be quite gross to snog someone who had just gotten changed back from being a trout, but Aurora didn't mind on the grounds that she was besting her rival Hermione. Most of the rest of the class learned how to perform the spell within 3 minutes of being taught, except for Newpill, who, instead of turning Deamus into a trout like he was supposed to, accidentally turned himself into a chipmunk doing forbidden things with a goldfish. Lupin managed to transform him back, but not before the class was scarred for life by the display._

_"Okay," said Scarlet. "I've got another spell to teach you. This one is used to make your opponent disappear from where he is standing and reappear several feet away. It doesn't really make him powerless to fight you or anything, but it does cause the victim to become rather disoriented, giving the caster a temporary advantage. It also has the unexpected side-effect of causing all the people in the room in which it is cast to lose all sense of proper grammar."_

_Cinnamon Malfoy responded by saying, "But we _are _a little womanish sometimes."_

_The rest of the class was rather confused by Cinnamon's inexplicable outburst and so decided that it would be safest simply to agree with them. So they did._

_Ebony continued explaining about the spell. "The incantation is 'dissapearfromoneplaceandmaterializeseveralfeetawayiarmus.' I suspect you will all be able to do this spell immediately upon trying."_

_They began to practice. Cinnamon, who was feeling vaguely less womanish at the moment, successfully cast the spell on Deamus, who seducively materialized several feet away. Then, all grammatical Hell broke loose. _

_Deamus said, "Where's me?"_

_"I don't know, where is you?" asked Cinnamon, looking around._

_"There am I at," stated Deamus._

_"Right, there you is!" agreed Cinnamon._

_Neville attempted to cast the spell on Hermione, but succeeded only in causing 76 grapefruit to fall seductionitatively out of a closet next to Scarlet. _

"Right, well... that's all I can think of to write," said Harry.

"Er... good then. I'll write the ending author's note," said Hermione.

_A/N: For this chapter we give all of our reviewers their very own set of gobstones. Or chocolate. Or chocolate gobstones. Whichever you prefer, really. Anyway... we hope you liked this chapter. It made us laugh anyway._

A/N: Well... um. Okay, I would just like to point out that the bit about being a little womanish sometimes was actually said by one of my co-workers at work today. The reaction of confused agreement for the sake of one's own protection was the course of action chosen by me. The "Where's me" bit came from the fact that at my job (I sell people photographs at an amusement park) customer's who are looking for themselves up on the screen will ask "Where's me?" So... Just in case you were curious how my mind works. I spend a lot of time at work (which is often very boring) coming up with ideas for this story. It keeps me sane. Of course, sometimes, when I think of something I find particularly amusing, I might smile, or actually laugh out loud to myself. I did that today. I think at least one of my coworkers may now think that I'm insane. No worries though. As always, thanks for reading, and reviewing if you could be persuaded to do that as well.


	17. Bad Blood Between the Golden Trio?

A/N: Okay, Lotrox has claimed the boggart scene idea, so, thanks for that, Lotrox! Also, regarding this chapter, thanks to Tigoamy for the Ron table manners thing, and lizztigger for her Golden trio fights and everyone calls them the golden trio. Incidentally, I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: You reviewers are _awesome. _Without all the cliches you've been supplying, this fic would've probably died several chapters ago.

Chapter 17

Bad Blood Between the Golden Trio?

Hermione was angry at Ron again. This happened a lot, although it hadn't happened for awhile now, since they were on friendlier terms now that they were able to kiss each other when they weren't fighting. But, now, Ron had gone and said something. It seemed that Ron was always going and saying something, but this time, apparently, he had crossed a line. Earlier that day, he had said, "Hermione, I don't like how your hair looks today."

"Why should it matter how my hair looks, Ron?" asked Hermione in a tone that should have told Ron to retreat from the topic but apparently did not. "Because there's more to me than my looks, and you should appreciate the other things," added Hermione angrily.

"I _do _appreciate the other things. But are you telling me that your looks can't even be _part _of the reason that I like you? Don't you like how I look?" asked Ron, not sounding offended at the prospect that Hermione might not like how he looked, simply trying to score a point in the argument.

"I only like how you look because I like what's on the inside. It's a psychological thing. Since I like who you are, then I like what you look like. For example, I don't much like who you're being at this _particular _moment though, so you're not looking all that good right now," said Hermione.

"Oh, come on, that's a load of rubbish," replied Ron.

"So you're saying I'm just as shallow as you are?" asked Hermione angrily.

So, this was why she was angry at Ron as they gathered in the computer room that night to write their next chapter. This becomes important later on, but not until after the authors' note, which Harry suddenly began to type.

_A/N: The major thing that we need to clear up in this a/n is why Cinnamon didn't say "brave" in his lines last chapter. The real reason is that I forgot, which means that you our story better than we do. Which makes us jealous. Although, you don't know what will happen next chapter _(sneak a/n from Gryffindor777 (that's right, an author's note within an author's note) neither do the characters, incidentally... but i can exclusively reveal that Fred and George return as guest-author's to write a Yule-Ball chapter complete with a show-down between Hermione and Mary-Sue)) _so ha! Anyway, the reason that we're going to use so as to give our story credibility again (assuming it had any in the first place) is that Cinnamon and Minty only need to use the word-insertion rules when they are in sight of one another, as the function of the sentences is to differentiate them from each other. Insanepyroshorty, although we will concede to you on the spelling of weimaraner and claim that it was an intentional typo, I have personally seen a weimeraner _(Gryffindor777 has one, though the characters don't know this) _which had at least 8 inches or so of tail. Whether or not this is considered a stub, it is definitely substantial enough to be chased, although perhaps not caught. Oh, and for last chapter, most creative review goes to Hrrypttrfan, who wrote a poem. Runner-up goes to Grim-Reapers Assitant, who made a discount button. Oh, by the way, word of the chapter this chapter will be "passion," so watch for it and its bastardized forms. _

"All right," said Hermione, once Harry had finished. "We got a review stating that the 'Golden Trio' needed to get into a fight in our fanfiction. And as I'm already pissy at Ron, I think that now would be a good time to do it. Maybe taking out my anger in this creative outlet will keep me from actually slapping somebody," said Hermione. Nobody had the nerve to argue with her as she began to type.

_The golden trio were eating in the great hall. Or, that is to say, Hermione and Harry were eating. What Ron was doing can hardly be described as eating. He was more like passionately attacking the food. He seemed to think that there was much danger of it escaping if not handled quickly and therefore he seemed to think that the fact that half of it was running passionately down the front of his robes was a strategic sacrifice that needed to be made for the cause. Hermione, who was at first disgusted by this, thought that it might be a good thing after-all, because maybe it'd get Aurora to be disinterested in Ron. Then he'd have to come crawling back to her. Then she'd be able to decide at her leisure whether or not such a slob deserved her. She was leaning toward 'no' at the moment. Unfortunately, Aurora didn't seem to be too turned off by Ron's disorderly eating. In fact, she gave him a kiss on the cheek as she left the Great Hall early to make sure that she got to their first class of the day early._

_Once she was out of ear-shot, Hermione hissed passionately at Ron, "I suppose you think you've traded up don't you? Glad to have her interested in you instead of me?"_

_"You aren't interested in me anymore?" asked Ron, concerned._

_Hermione was enraged by Ron's apparent lack of concern for her feelings to the extent that he did not even notice them at most points. "You make me want to go into paroxysms of rage! A paroxysm is a spasm or fit," she explained, owing to the dazed and confused looks on Ron and Harry's faces._

_"What's wrong with me?" asked Ron._

_"You don't care about me! You're always too interested in your food, or your bloody Quidditch! Incidentally, what do you think Freud would say was your subconscious psychological motive for playing around with _broomsticks _all day chasing after balls?"_

At this point when she was typing, Hermione realized that Ginny was also in the room (she knew Harry wouldn't be offended by the psychobabble, and rather hoped that Ron would be). "Er... Ginny, that doesn't apply to you, of course," said Hermione apologetically.

"It's all right," said Ginny, who was giggling.

_"Hey why do you need to bring Quidditch into this?" Harry passioned (that's right, we've decided to make 'to passion' into a verb meaning "to speak passionately". So there.)_

_"Oh, shut up! You're so narcissistic. That means you're too self-absorbed," she added, once again because of the looks. "Not everything's about you and your Quidditch addiction, so stop butting in!"_

_"I'm not butting in! You're just jealous of me because I've got a broomstick! That's right! Freud would say you've got 'Broomstick Envy'!" Harry passioned passioningly._

_"Stop butting in! I'm trying to have a good fight with this..." she mumbled the next bit so that it was unclear and she would need to repeat herself later for comedic effect, "...over here!" finished Hermione._

_Ron unwisely spoke again. Seemed this fellow was always speaking unwisely. He said, "Did you just call me a prostitute? Because, remember, that's my sister's job."_

_"I called you a lady-of-the-night. It's a euphemism. A euphemism is a way of saying an unpleasant thing in a pleasant way. Learn some words you two!" retorted Hermione._

_Ron became enraged and therefore became incoherent, as he always did when he was enraged. He also was so enraged that he only spoke in multi-syllable words. "Yourself paroxysm! Multi-faceted delusional, eerily simultaneous. Similarly puerile insatiably. Abstemious!" Then, Ron got over his monosyllaphobia (not a word, for the record) in a big way, saying, "I don't know what none of them words mean!"_

Ron, for some reason, was grinning. "Oooh, I want a go," he said, finally becoming brave enough to talk to Hermione. Shocked at him talking to her at all, she decided to let him have his chance. For convenience, this is going to be one of those chapters in which Ron gets over his lack of typing ability and types anyway.

_"You're intolerably stupid!" said Hermione. "Ever since this fanfiction has started, you've been nothing but a shallow prat who's gone for the best-looking girl."_

_"That's weird, because most of this story, _you've_ come across in a mostly favorable light. In fact, you're the only one of the characters who's escaped unscathed. The current author must really think you're something special. He also happens to think that you have excellent hair. Although that doesn't matter, because it's what's underneath the hair that counts. That would have come out better, by the way, except that the current author doesn't have your way with words," said Ron passionately._

Ron looked up, to see Hermione smiling. "That was actually kinda nice Ron. 'Cept for the bit about it being what's under the hair that counts. That was just dumb. But anyway..."

"Wait, before you do anything we're going to regret," said Ginny, "just remember that it's only polite to keep any snogging out of Harry's and my sight. That is, unless you guys want to see the two of us getting, er... passionate. Good pick of word of the chapter, by the way. Anyhow... I think I want a go, if you've fulfilled your purpose, Ron? You guys've been using too good grammar and have been forgetting the typoes. Which is what happens whe you guys use fanfiction as an outlet to solve your personal problems."

"Oh, sure, go ahead," said Ron, who was just glad to be on Hermione's good side again. By the way, for those of you who have been waiting for it, (Skittles is the only one I can find who mentioned it, at the moment) this is the point in the story where Ron reaches the emotional maturity level of the giant squid (this is more of a compliment than it sounds, the giant squid is actually pretty emotionally mature.)

_"So, you choose me over Aurora?" asked Hermione in a voice chock-full of giddy passion._

_"No, I didn't say that," says Ron._

_"Your gonna goe out withs Aurora even though you've just said that it's what's under my hair that counts?" asked Hermione confusedly._

_"That was the author who thinks that, not me. You must have gotten confused," said Ron._

_"You're intolerable!" said Hermione, leaving the table in a huff._

_"Here's a free teddy-bear!" said Deamus, shoving a teddy-bear toward Hermione._

_Hermione was flattered by this attention from Deamus. She considered going out with him on the grounds that he had just showed that he would be there through the emotional thick and thin, and give her free teddy-bears. _

_Then, she decided that this would be a bad idea, on the grounds that Snape was working on an antidote for the piss-potion that would be able to turn Dean and Seamus back into thier normal selves. But, still, that didn't mean she couldn't use Deamus to make Ron jealous. He was passionately sexy. And maybe she could talk to Snape about maybe not progressing to quickly on the potion so that she'd have some time to make her plan work. She decided to make her way toward his office._

_Cinnamon, who was sitting next to Ginny, who was sitting next to Harry, who was very confused, was wearing one of Ginny's discount buttons. It said, "Dragons passion hummingbirds seductively. Lovely prophecy." When you pressed it, it read, "Ginny, Harry, and Ron, like to play with broomsticks and balls together. Eww."_

_Minty suddenly made an appearance since he hasn't lately. "Bad blood between the golden trio?" he asked, smirking because his sentence actually made some sense this time._

_"You're too brave, Minty," said Cinnamon passioningately. "If you don't back off, I'll turn you into a brave trout!"_

_"Why's it a bloody brave trout?" asked Minty._

_"Well, it may not be brave. But it will have blood, you brave!" said Cinnamon. That's right. Malfoy was a young native-American man, although he had apparently never told anybody this, and didn't look like one. It was only a parshial thing. He was a direct matrilineal descendant of Powhatan on his father's side. _

_Malfoy was passionately confused. Both of him. Or something. Simple sentences rock. So do fragments. Author's notes rock too. It's time to write one. Because we need to go to bed. It's getting late. And there's nothing else funny to say right now._

_A/N: Well... sorry there's not more grammatical or spelling errors. _Some _people were too busy trying to get snogged to worry about putting in the correct number of errors. We'll make up for it in a later chapter, hopefully. At least I was able to save the button trend._

A/N from Gryffindor777: Oh well, that's all I've got for tonight, and I wanted to post before I go to bed, so I'm just gonna post it at the length it is, and I'm not going to go back to put in more grammatical/spelling errors. Hopefully the chapter's got a fair number of redeeming qualities anyway. By the way, the teddy-bear thing was another case of workplace insertion, as one of my coworkers tonight got offered a "free-teddy-bear" by some 5 year old kid. It cracked me up, and I thought Deamus was the best one to give the line to.


	18. The You'll Bawl

A/N: All right, I know I haven't updated for a few days (how dare me!) but I think this chapter's rather amusing, and hopefully you will too. Thanks to koira and others for the insistence that there must be a Yule Ball, hrrypttrfan for the idea to have a muggle song make an appearance blasted by muggle-electronics, and lizzieizbizzie and tigoamy for the pregnancy idea. I was going to respond to the reviews from this chapter individually, since 12 would've been a manageable number, but it's getting pretty late, so I'd better go to bed and want to get this chapter up before I do. So, I'll simply say: Thank you Insanepyroshorty, Lizzie Iz Bizzie, Everto Angelus, koira (sorry I couldn't find your suggestion about the dresses), hrrpttrfan, Grim Reaper's Assistant, ash vault rose garden, niwrem, Tigoamy, AureliaSea13, xAprilxBlossomsx. and Philippa of the Phoenix.

Chapter 18:

The You'll Bawl

All of the four characters were in the computer room, and then, to the surpise of absolutely no one except the characters themselves, Fred and Geroge burst jauntily through the room. That's right. Jauntily. Merlin knows why. But he sure as hell isn't going to tell you.

"Right, well, we'll just get right down to it then," said Fred enthusiastically. This chapter features many adverbs.

"What? Who said you could write this chapter?" asked Hermione alarmedly. Curiously enough, alarmedly actually _is _a word.

"Oh, come on. Read some of your reviews... The reviewers wanted us to come back. Er... Well. Some of them did, anyway. And the other ones... Well, we'll just have to win them over with clever wit and intense imagery," said Fred bubblingly. That's right. He was actually bubbling (out of his ears) when he said it. Harry suspected the bubbles may or may not have had something to do with a new product the twins were testing for their shop.

"Well, see, that's exactly the problem," said Hermione testily. "If you actually use your 'clever wit' as you so aptly call it, the fanfiction readers will become suspicious that you're not an actual fanfiction writer. Most fanfiction writers' attempts at humor are either overly blatant or simply stupid."

"Bah, don't worry," said Fred consolingly, "we're very skilled at pretending to be stupid. And we know how to come up with bad jokes. Especially puns. There shall be a lot of bad puns in this chapter. And don't worry. We've been reading your story, so we know everything we've got to keep going... Although, we think that you've been putting too much effort into this. If this is to truly reflect real fanfiction, the writing level's got to go down a bit. More bad grammar, fewer correctly spelled words, and less words per sentence! That's where George and I come in. Poor writing is our specialty. My word of the chapter shall be 'punch.'"

"And mine shall be 'fancy,'" chimed in George helpfully.

"But we only ever have one word of the chapter between the four of us," said Hermione bossily.

"Haven't you ever thought that we might be compensating for something?" asked Fred viciously.

"What might that be?" asked Ginny bouncily.

"Er... Never mind. On with the chapter," said George maniacally.

_Chaos rained. And then it snowed. Because it was winter. So that we can write about the You'll Bawl. Too right you will. _

_The school had decorations. That were fancy. _

_Ron was going to the ball with Aurora. Ginny was going with Harry (of course). Oh, and Neville, if anybody cares about him, was going with Luna. Hermione was going to ask Deamus to go with her, but apparently, he had already been asked by Cho Chang, who had recently killed Michael Corner with a straw and could therefore not go with him. Damn. That sentence was _way _too long. _

_Hermione decided to ask Colin Creevey instead. When she asked him to go with her, his response was as follows, "I shall loving to be gone with you Hermione! You're too sexy for my camera. I shall have to need to go buy some anti-perspirant."_

_She regretted asking him almost immediately._

_Anyway... Any building up to the point of the dance shall completely be skipped over so as to get to the actual dance, which will, hopefully, be better to read about._

_So. We realize that what exactly Hermione and Ginny are wearing is very important this chapter, especially as reviewer koira apparently had some requests about what their dresses should look like. Unfortunately, as we can't find these suggestions after digging through the review pile for several minutes, we will just settle for saying that their dresses were sexy, hot, and fancy._

_Colin Creevey, who was still Harry's number one fan, was also looking very fancy. Therefore, he was a fancy fan. Pun intended._

_Harry escorted Ginny down to the ball. They danced a bit, but Harry was just unable to get over how sexy she looked. So, he convinced her to go off and preemptively consummate their marriage, which he assured her would definitely happen eventually, especially if she ended up pregnant. Oddly enough, she is not the one who will end up pregnant by the end of the chapter. _

_Hermione was trying valiantly to dance with Colin, hoo kept looking over at Harry as if he'd razzer be dancing with him. Hermione kept looking over at Ron and Aurora dancing, and eventually, she become furious, and er... punchy, because we just remembered that that was a word of the chapter._

_And when Hermione gets punchy, Mary-Sues had better watch out. Especially Aurora._

_Hermione marched across the dance-floor fancilily. "You shall get your come-uppance!" she informed Aurora._

_But before Hermione lays the smack-down (that's right, wizards use wrestling lingo _all the time) _on Aurora, there are several other bits of nooz that must be reported from around Hogwarts castle at that moment._

_On the dance floor, Lee Jordan, who was disk-jockeying using muggle equipment in spite of the facts that he had graduated the previous year and muggle electronics did not work on Hogwarts grounds, began to play that rap song by 50 cent entitled magic stick. Because we're pretty sure that song is talking about wands. I mean... what else could it be referring to?_

_At this same moment, Ron pointed toward Malfoy, and said "Oooh, what a diss," because of what it said on one of Ginny's disscount (pun intended) buttons which he was wearing. It said, "I dance like a fancy koala on a half-sedated elephant's back. Perform me!"_

_"Why don't you go hang out with your mud-blood girlfriend?" asked Minty._

_This reminded Ron that he had lost track of where exactly Aurora went, and figured that he would go lueking for her in case Hermione tried to kill her with punch. Or punch her. Yeah, that would make more sense. _

_Either way, Cinnamon stepped in, "Stop making fun of my brave friends, or I'll break your magic-stick. Pun and double entendre both bravely intended!"_

_"Would you like some bloody punch?" asked Malfoy, waving his fist fancily in the air. "Bloody pun intended."_

_At that point, a very fancy looking, though supremely annoyed, Snape walked over and said, "Stop using so many puns or suffer my... er... punishment. No pun intended!" He walked away again._

_Meenwile Jinnny and Harey were slipping off to find somewhere to consummate. Once they had found a place that they thought would work and begun to make out, Lavender intruded._

_"Er..." she said, "If you're about to do what I think you might be about to be doing, I think you ought to... er... use some protection. Otherwise you may end up with STD's!"_

_Of course, Harry had never received the sex-talk on the grounds that Uncle Vernon certainly wasn't going to open _that _can of worms (he believed that Harry fancied him, and was afraid that if he gave him the sex-talk, Harry might think he was coming on to him) and Molly and Arthur Weasley had hoped that maybe if they just ignored the fact that Ginny was maturing, maybe she woldn't notice either, so she also hadn't received the talk._

_"Erm, what's an STD?" asked Ginny curiously._

_Harry thought a bit. "I think it stands for 'surreptitiously tainted desserts'."_

_"Oh, that makes sense," said Ginny. "Or else, seductively-tasty dishes."_

_"What do you think she meant by 'protection'?" asked Harry._

_"Probably in case somebody tries to attack us. Why don't you get your magic-stick out? Pun intended," said Ginny._

_Meanwhile, Cinnamon's argument with Minty was heating up to the point where he poked him in the chest, inadvertantly showing the other message on Ginny's disscount baton, which now read, "Might I have spiked the punch? Conspicuously. Hoorah!"_

_Deamus danced fancily over to Cho and gave her some punch._

_Finally, we get to the point in the story wherein Aurora and Hermione have their row. Pun intended, but not, technically, included. _

_"Get my come-uppance shall I?" axed Aurora, responding to Hermione's punchy conversation-starter several paragraphs aggoe, assumening you can remember back that far._

_"Yes, you shall! I've figured out a way to make you stop going out with Ron!" shouted Hermione, punching the air in her ecstacy at figuring out yet another mystery (betcha none of the readers have figured it out!)_

_"Well, I'll have you know that I'm immune from all curses and that anything you try to do to hurt me will only result in a feeling of slight sexual pleasure on my part. You see, being perfect, I cannot be harmed," explaind Aurora, adopting the condescending tone that Hermione sometimes used by accident when explaining something that she considered simple to Ron and Harry. The fact that she was steeling her toan of voise was ownly goeing to make this triumph sweater for Hemioneroni._

_"I know. And, being perfect, you've also got to be the most appealing female imaginable, correct?" asked Hermione._

_"Of course. Can you think of anyone more desirable than me? Your own former boyfriend obviously can't!" said Aurora._

_"Oh no you didn't just go and having said that, girlfriend!" opined Deamus, who somehow seamed to be the correct choice for that line._

_"Ah, yes. But you're forgetting something. There is a certain attraction to wanting something that one cannot have. Which may partially account for the reason that men find the idea of lesbians to be so alluring!" said Hermione._

_Aurora, who seemed to have caught on to where this conversation was going, said, "No! That's ridiculous! I would not be more appealing to men if I were a lesbian!"_

_"Oh rilly? Let's ask Wron, shall we?" asked Hermione sweetly, having just sene Ron walking over. _

_"Ron, you don't think that lesbians are appealing do you?" asked Aurora._

_"Of course I do!" said Ron. "Although it's hard to say why, as they're unattainable. Still... there's just something about the thought of-"_

_"That'll be enough of that," said Hermione, who was already concerned about whether this chapter may be getting a bit too racy and didn't want things to escalate further._

_"That doesn't prove anything!" said Aurora defiantly. "I'm still the most attractive girl at Hogwarts! I'm sure Ron will testify to that as well."_

_"It doesn't matter," said Hermione kewly. "As a Mary-Sue, you must be the epitome of perfection and the epitome of female-attractiveness. You must be as sexy as you possibly can be. Therefore, you are obviously a lesbian."_

_Aurora, overcome by Hermione's superior logic, immediately became a lesbian._

_"Guess this means we can get back together and stop messing around with the R/Hr shippers then?" asked Ron hopefully._

_"Well... we could... except that I am pregnant with Snape's child," confessed Hermione._

_"What!" asked Ron, spitting out the punch he had been drinking. "So he was a pediphile all along? And Dumbledore trusted him!"_

_"No, no," said Hermione fancily. "We didn't have sex. It was fancier then that. See... He has realized that he will never be able to seduce a woman, so he made an artificial-insemination potion and had me drink it in exchange for him being extra slow on the potion to change Deamus back into two people so that I could use him to get you back."_

_Damn. Grammar's been way too good. Prepare for emergency anti-grammaticalness. That's it! No more punctuation for the next four paragraphs!_

_But there must be some way around this Ron said Couldnt you get an abortion or something_

_Oh honestly Ron complained Hermione I am a pro-lifer_

_Oh right said Ron disappointed_

_Oh no if Im a lesbian I will never be able to experience the joys of motherhood howled Aurora disconsolately_

_Okay. Punctuation allowed now. Just fragments._

_"Aurora, I! know! You can! Have the baby!" said Hermione._

_"I. Cannot! If pregnant I not as sexy," moaned Aurora._

_All right, return to normal fanfiction style of half-obeying whichever grammatical rules we happen to not be angry with at the present moment._

_"True, but I'm sure there could be a magical way to keep the baby outside of you, in a cauldron or something, and have it feed off what you eat by remote. I mean, if muggles can have phones that are cordless, why can't witches have babies that are?" asked Hermione._

_So, they went over to Snape, who with a single swish of his wand was able to transfer his baby from Hermione's womb to Aurora's cauldron in which it was surrounded by magical punch by which it would receive nutrients from whatever Aurora ate._

_"I'm going to be a mommy!" shouted Aurora with delight._

_Meanwhile, Neville and Luna accidentally walked into the broom-closet in which Harry and Ginny were about to pre-emptively costumate their marriage. "Oooh, I woudn't do that if I were you," said Luna in alarm. "My Dad told me that if you do that before you're married, you can get eaten by a crumple-horned something-or-other."_

_"Oh, in that case, we'd better weight for marriage," said Harry._

_"It's just as well anyway," said Ginny. When Harry looked confused, she explained, "Well, with the amount I've been called a prostytootle in this story, I'd've had to charge you for pre-marital sex, wouldn't I?"_

_A/N: Hope you enjoyed that. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are all sitting here looking rather alarmed at what we've written. Still, we hope ewe had fun, 'cause wee shore did. Oh, and anybody who reviews this chapter gets a box of fireworks from our shop!_

A/N from Gryffindor777: Hmm... Well... There you have it. True, it took a few days to update, but, well... I like it. Hope you guys did too. Perhaps you can be persuaded to leave me a review telling me whether you liked it? Also, I definitely like to hear what your favorite parts were... helps me figure out what's funny and what's not, so that I know for future reference.


	19. The Giant Squib

_Chapter 18:_

_The Giant Squib_

On one particular night (which, coincidentally, happens to be the very night about to be described by this particluar chapter) Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny realized that it was only two days before they were scheduled to go back to school.

"Well... looks like that means this will be our second to last chapter then," said Hermione.

"But we don't even have a plot yet!" yelled Harry, even though yelling was pretty much uncalled for at the moment.

"How many times do I have to tell you, we don't need a plot?" asked Hermione. "We just need to wrap this up in two chapters. Fortunately, I know how to do this because all of the fanfiction writers in the week prior to July 16th 2005 (which, for some reason, happens to be the point in the future from which my magical computer is retrieving websites from at the moment) seem to be just as shocked as we just were to find that they only had a few more days to publish their stories before they become obsolete. You'd think that they would have had a little more warning, considering the fact that most people who are obsessed enough about the Harry Potter books to write fanfiction about them actually have the date of the release of the next book tattooed to their bloody arms (their arms are bloody because the person doing the tattooing puctured farther than he or she had intended to and drew a lot of blood...), but apparently the imminent release of a new book has caught the fanfiction community quite off guard. So, now, not only are most fanfiction writers too lazy to write anything actually worth reading, now they're rushing too. So, obviously the quality of fanfiction has deterioated lately. And, to correctly reflect fanfictiondom in general, so shall our story."

"Good then," said Ron. "What will our word of the day be?"

"Er... I dunno, 'tickle'?" asked Harry tentatively.

"Sounds good to me," answered Ginny.

"Okay, fine. Now, this is the point in the story where the average fanfiction writer realizes that they haven't got a plot, and therefore use other literary tactics to cover this up. These literary tactics include: pointless action, pointless snogging, pointless stupid humor, and also plenty of pointy objects, so as to make up for the lack of points anywhere else in the story. Oh, and also, all sense of logic must leave the story at this point, especially the normal rules of cause and effect, because making a story flow logically would take prescious time that the authors apparently don't _have _at this juncture. Oh. And grammar, spelling, and typoes all get even worse than before. Sometimes, entire words are left out of certain sentences only to reappear several sentences later in the middle of a completely unsuspecting sentence. I'm not sure whether I've actually ever seen this happen in fanfiction, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened. So. Off we go. Oh, and, since we're in a rush, just, whoever happens to have an idea can get on the computer and type, we won't have a set person type the whole thing."

"Well, wait, how are we going to start out the chapter?" asked Harry.

"I don't know... Why not a warm surrogate-father/son scene wherein Lupin and Harry work together to solve a problem? And then the action can begin, because the last few chapters of a fanfiction must include as much incoherent action as possible."

Thus, Harry began to type.

_A/N: Thanks to everyone for the reviews. We would be more specific, but apparently, we're in a rush. So, this chapter shall begin abruptly._

_Harry and Lupin were trying to fix a leak in a pipe in the sixth-year boys' dormitory. Of course, what they really should have been trying to figure out was why the hell there was a pipe in the middle of the dormitory, but they weren't? _

"Oh, good, you've got one of your grammatical mistakes in already," praised Hermione.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Wait, you're going to tell me you didn't notice that you put a question-mark at the end of that sentence?" asked Hermione, now confused.

"Of course I did! It's a quest-" said Harry, then having glanced up at the sentence, said, "er... whoops." Harry started to type some more.

_"Reparo!" shouted Lupin, pointing his wand at the leaky pipe; nothing happened._

"You know... I'm not sure you should be messing around with semi-colons if you can't even properly use question-marks. Semi-colons are pretty heavy-duty, you might hurt yourself," teased Ginny. Harry stood up from the computer-chair in mock-irritation, giving Ginny a chance to sidle into the computer-chair.

_Harry tryd to repear the pyp using magic as well, but that didn't work either. He also tickled it. It giggled a bit, but continued to leak. Finelly, Lupin gave up, and merely stuck the point of his wand into the hole in the pipe._

_"There, that seems to have turned the trick," said Lupin in a satisfied manner._

_"Oh, speaking of things that turn tricks, where's Ginny?" asked HarRy._

"Just can't let the prostitute joke die, can you?" asked Ron, apparently somewhat perturbed. He traded seats with his sister and began to type. Because, once again, this chapter, he can type.

_"Oh, right. I was supposed to tell you. The giant sqid is holding her in the layk. I think he may also be tickling her," replied Lupin._

_Neville rushed into the room, simultaneously sNogging LuNa in order to make this chapter more sexy. "Quick! The giant squib's got Ginny!"_

_"The giant squib?" asked Harry. "I thought it was the giant squid?"_

_"No. It's definitely the giant squib. His name's Chuckles, although his friends call him Major Tickles," explained Luna, who then went back to snogging Neville._

_"Then why did Lupin just say it was the giant squid?" asked Harry, still confused._

_"I dunno, it must've been one of those typoes the are always putting in. They seem to think it's phunny. Authors."_

"Er... was that one of those cases of a word being left out of a sentence and then reappearing elsewhere?" asked Harry, who seemed confused.

"Yeah," replied Ron, who then got up from the computer seat. "It's somebody else's turn."

"I'll take a go. You guys just don't seem to be rushing enough yet. We've go to make this believable!" said Hermione.

_"Butt whut's the Giant Squib doing in the lake?" asked Lupin._

_"Oh. It's in the lake! Maybe it _was _the squid then. It might've been me that the authors made say the typo. Anyway, let's all go to the lake._

_They all walked out, each carrying their wands, in spite of the fact that Lupin had not yet removed his from the pipe. The pipe exploded._

_On their way down to the lake, they met up with Cinnamon Malfory, Ron, and Hermione. And also Dudley Dursley. And Quirrel, in spite of the fact that he's dead. Oh! And Scabbers. As well as Wormtail. They killed Wormtail, but Scabbers managed to scamper away unharmed, receiving ownly minor tickles from Crookshanks, who had transformed into a Grim named Sirius in spite of the fact that he's dead again. Minty Malfoy showed up as well._

"See, _that's _what fanfiction looks like when it's being rushed. _Absolutely incoherent_. Even moreso than normal," said Hermione. "Now, does anybody else think they can keep that up?"

"Sure," said Ginny, "I'm ready for a challenge. In fact, I bet I can make my bit less coherent than yours. Oh! And I mustn't forget to put one of my buttons in this chapter.

_As Minty and Cinnamon were now in sight of one another, they should've had to use their distinctive 'bloody' and 'brave' words. But they had forgotten, because they were in a rush. Minty said, "Put that in your wand and shove it up your rental car!" _

_Cinnamon replied, "Describe me helpless!" _

_Because both had forgotten to use their special words, they immediately turned back into one person, who was exactly the same as Malfoy had been before the potions accident, except that this time he believed that the word "asparagus" was spelled with an 'n'. _

_Dudley was wearing one of Ginny's discount badges, which she had given him before the squid walked up to take her to its hiding place. It said, "Ticklish baracudas in distress solve the equation for pasta metaphorically."_

_When pressed, it said, "If I owned a gobstone, you'd have eaten my only giddy wombat."_

"Okay, good job, that was definitely incoherent," said Harry. "Now let me have another shot, will you?"

"Sure," said Ginny, who scooted over in the chair to let Harry sit down. Mostly because "scoot" is such a fun word. Harry typed.

_Dudley said, "I think that my left tennis-shoe holds the key to defeating the giant squid!"_

_"Why would you say that?" asked Harry._

_"Oh, I don't know. There probably was no reason. Sometimes, I'm just stupid," explained Dudley._

_"NO! YOU must have said it for a raisin. The authors wouldn't be putting in meaningless die a log now, thier inn a rush"_

_"Oh. Then, maybe it had something to do with this key that I carry around in my left tennis-shoe," theororized Dudley who then pulled a kee from hiss pocket._

_"That makes sense!" accused Ron ticklingly._

_"Maybe I should go down to the Giant Squid and give use it to get Ginny!" tickled Harry. "Here, use some gillyweed!" advised Hermione, who proceeded to pick some from the ground in spite of the fact that if this was possible then Dobby woulnd't have needed to steal it from Snape's personal store during Harry's forth yeer._

"All right, Ron, why don't you have another go as well?" asked Hermione. So Ron began to type.

_"By the way, here's your reason," said Ron, handing Dudley a raisin._

_"Thanks," said Harry. Then, he grew gills. He swam down to the Giant Squid. _

_"What are you doing here?" asked the Squid, who had been taking English classes from Fleur Delacour. _

_"I'm trying to find a plot," said Harry._

_"Oh. Well. I can't tell you about that, although I can tell you what to do if you ever find a rabbit up your nose," revealed the squid._

_"Can you?" asked Harry._

_"Yes. You eat it," said the squid._

_"Oh," said Harry, who was disappointed because he had believed the Giant Squid to be a vegetable._

_"Oh, by the way, did you want me to give your girlfriend back?"_

_"Yweah, thad be NYSE," said Harry._

_"I will trade her to you for a key," stated the Squid._

_"I seem to have a key right here," said Harry, removing the key Dudley had given him from his (Ron's) armpit. "And I will make that trade. But you'll have to tickle me first!"_

_"Okay," agreed the squid, who then tickled Harry, and then chucked both Harry and Ginny off to dry land. However, The Giant Squid was sad, becaue now he didn't have Ginny to play with. Therefore, Aurora decided to go live with the Giant Squid. Eventually, they got married, because it turned out that the Giant Squid was a female after all, and actually quite good looking._

_The wedding ceremony included plenty of pointy objects, and frankly, the Giant Squid was tickled by the whole arrangement. _

"Well, that seems to be a suitable end to the chapter," said Hermione. "I'll write an ending author's note."

_A/N: Okay. Now, since we've gotten in some action, all that's left now is the ultimate battle scene between Voldemort and Harry. This will occur next chapter. It will be accompanied by tuna. Oh. And anyone who reviews this chapter will receive an e-jalapeno pepper of the magical variety. _

A/N from Gryffindor777: Er... Well... This will be the second to last chapter of this particular parody. I'll publish the last chapter possibly as soon as tomorrow but definitely before the 16th. Once I've had some time to read the sixth book and to also read some bad 7th year fanfiction, there may be another installment of Harry Potter and Co Write fanfiction, or else maybe another idea for a parody will strike me. Who knows. But, anyway, there's still one more chapter to go here. Review to let me know what you liked about this chaper/ didn't like about this chapter/ found in your broom cupboard last Tuesday.


	20. The Final Battle

A/N: Due to, er... some time constraints, the Trio and Ginny shall not be writing a beginning authors' note this chapter. So I shall be thanking the reviewers from last chapter myself: Thank you reviewers. Also, IloveMoony04, I've got to say, your review was one of the funniest ones yet. I can personally tell you that the characters thoroughly enjoyed the e-armadillo (Ginny is going to take it to school as a pet...). Unfortunately, even though your random sentences were fairly buttonable (assuming for the moment that that is a word) I find that I don't like putting sentences from people's reviews directly into my story, so I apologize that your sentences did not make it into this chapter.

Chapter 20  
The Final Battle

On the last night before they were to take the Hogwarts Express back to school, the four friends gathered once more in the computer room to write another installment of their fanfiction.

"Okay, well, we're quite down to the wire on this one," said Hermione, as everyone walked in. "We've got to finish this up fairly quickly so that we can get to bed soon. We want to be fully alert tomorrow on the train... you know, in case Malfoy tries to jinx us or something."

"Wouldn't put it past him," conceded Harry, "but I'm sure we'll be able to finish this chapter pretty quickly, don't you think? I mean, all we've got to do is put in a final battle scene, right?"

"You'd think so," said Hermione, "but you forget that this is the last chapter of our story, which was originally supposed to cover all of sixth year. Now, of course, we don't actually have enough time to write out more than one chapter, so we, like many of the actual fanfiction writers, will have to try to cram everything else that should have happened in our sixth year into this chapter."

"Fine, what else do we need to include?" asked Ron, skeptically.

"Well... of course we need to have two more Quidditch matches, and Ginny's got to take her O.W.L.'s. And of course, in the Quidditch matches, we should by no means feel obligated to have the same people on the team as were in the first match, because no self-respecting fanfiction writer would actually go back and check his or her own work to make sure that they were keeping consistent to their own story. There were probably a lot of other things as well, and if we happen to remember any of them, we'll put them in during this last chapter," said Hermione.

"All right, fine," said Ginny. "But as far as the actual battle itself goes, how should that look?"

"Well... The author usually tries to put in some suspense, and also has a lot of things happening at once. Therefore, by the way, our word of the chapter shall be 'suddenly.' And 'simultaneously.' We can have two words of the chapter, considering that this is the last chapter. And in the duel, we should use a lot of spells that our new DA teachers taught us. Except that, as far as I can recall, our new DA teachers only taught us one or two new spells that we mentioned, so we'll have to make up new spells for this final battle," explained Hermione.

"Okay, works for me. So, who's going to type this?" asked Harry.

"I will, but everybody should pitch in whatever ideas they have. I'll type whatever you guys say," said Hermione, who was apparently, just like any other fanfiction writer this close to the release of the sixth book, more concerned about putting something out there than having whatever it is make any actually coherent sense.

_Suddenly, the Gryffindor Quidditch team had to play against Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw simultaneously. So, Madame Hooch released the 13 Bludgers, 17 Quaffles, 7 live bats, and 1 Snitch, to signal the beginning of the game. _

_The Gryffindor team's 4 beaters (The Weasley twins, plus Jack Sloper and Andrew Kirke) were all playing simultaneously. Cho Chang was playing as a Chaser instead of a Seeker, because the match will be easier for Gryffindor to win if they're the only team who has a seeker. Of course, Hufflepuff team had no Seeker, because Cedric Diggory had been their seeker, but he died. _

_As the game began Hermione (who was now, for some inexplicable reason, playing Chaser along with Ginny) scored 13 points for Gryffindor for getting a Quaffle into a goal guarded by a Hufflepuff Keeper as well as a Ravenclaw one. The reason that she got 13 points instead of the normal 10 is that as she put the goal through the hoop, she was simultaneously singing a Britney Spears song. You know how Hermione likes her Britney Spears._

_Suddenly, Ginny was taking her written History of Magic exam while simultaneously riding on her broom and juggling 3 of the 12 Quaffles (yes, we realize that there had been 17 Quaffles, but the bats ate some of them already. We apologize for any inconvenience. Even though we really shouldn't have to take the blame, as it is the bats' fault.)_

_Suddeningly, Ginny put all 3 of the Quaffles she was juggling into different goal hoops, scoring 57 points for Gryffindor on the grounds that math has never been Madam Hooch's strong suit. Which put the score at 70 points for Gryffindor to 0 for Hufflepuff and 17 for Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw had gotten 17 points simply on the merits of how good-looking Cho Chang apparently is._

_At this point, Cho decided that she was going to play Seeker after all, and started to try to find the Snitch. She spotted it. It seemed for a moment as if she might reach out and grab it, but if flew away from her and toward Harry. In fact, it looked like it would fly right into Harry's hand, except that then Cho came up to him and distracted him by engaging him in some mid-air passionate snogging. _

_Ginny, of course, was not jealous at all, because she's a lady of the night anyway and had never really specified that the relationship between herself and Harry was supposed to be exclusive. So, she engaged in some midair snogging with Michael Corner._

_Suddenly, the Final Battle BeGan. Sicks Death Eeters pluss Lord Voldemort were suddenly flying on brooms around the Quidditch pitch simultaneously with the other players.._

_"What the hell is going on?" simultaneoused Ron and Harry._

_"What, like you couldn't see this coming?" asked Lord Voldemort, as he successfully put the Quaffle past a befuddled Ron into the Gryffindor Goal. The score was now 70 to Gryffindor, 17 to Ravenclaw, 10 to the Deatheaters, and 0 to Hufflepuff. _

_Simultaneousingly, Snape fed Deamus the antidote for the piss-potion so that he would turn back into two people and prevent the story from having that loose-end heynging out there at the end._

_One of the Death-Eaters, (We'll say Nott, for the sake of argument) tried to curse Harry, but was unable to because Fred and George knocked him unconscious via several of the bludgers._

_Ginny was wearing a disrecount badge that said, "Anti-apparation spells add ten pounds to a camera." When pressered, it said, "Puffins swimmingly absent; embarrassingly ticklish," and, simultaneiously, "Eels slide; but not convincingly."_

_Simultaningly, Lucius Malfoy petrified Ron, who retaliated by stubbornly refusing to be petrified, mostly because it's really hard to aim a spell when you're on a broom, and so Lucius had missed Ron._

_Meanwhile, Dumbledore stood up in the stands and announced that he had not told Harry the whole prophecy during the previous June. As a matter of fact, the following disclaimer applied to the prophecy. He read it out loud, in spite of the fact that in the previous book, he had seemed to be rather adamant that deatheaters should not know about the prophecy._

_"The disclaimer to the prophecy is: _

_This prophecy is only fully accurate on Tuesdays._

_On Mondays, it is only accurate when in the presence of a unicorn._

_On Wednesdays, it is only applicable on Mars._

_On Thursdays, it is only applicable on Venus, unless the half-blood prince is Luna Lovegood._

_On Fridays, Voldemort is a prat._

_On Saturdays, the Prophecy's basically the same except that Voldemort may not be killed using the guillotine or any spell whose incantation has the initials 'A.K.' Also, the whole thing is void if Voldemort is killed too close to a puffin._

_And on Sundays, the propecy is void in all 50 states, except for Montana and Southern California, as well as Canada._

_Furthermore: Quitting battling Voldemort now greatly reduces your risk of developing serious health problems in lab rats."_

_As no less than 500 sick lab rats scurried onto the field, Harry realized that today was a Saturday, which meant that he still might be able to kill Voldemort, as long as he hadn't been relying on French execution methods or the killing curse. Or puffins, apparently._

_Which, of course, he had not._

_But, at that very moment, every single death eater on the planet attempted to curse Harry._

_But, of course, they all missed, because Harry simultaningeously went into a particularly splendid dive to attempt to capture the Snitch. He missed. Cho snogged Voldemort._

_Harry quickly turned Voldemort into a trout using the spell that they had learned in Defense against the Dark Arts several chapters ago. Some of the other members of the Quidditch teams used similar spells that have not yet been discussed to turn Malfoy into a goat, Nott into a tree trunk, and Goyle into a potted whale. _

_None of the death-eaters left standing (or sitting on their brooms) knew how to prefoorm the "Phinite Incantatem" spell, and so they all watched in silent hooror as their dark Lord's gills flapped helplessly in an attempt to extract water from the air. The fish fell from his broom onto the Quidditch pitch._

_And, of course, when Lord Voldemort died, everybody else in the world who had ever died for any reason, except for the mean ones, were brought back to life and taught how to tap-dance to the sound-track from _The Garden State._ Oh, and, right after he vanquished the Dark Lord, Harry caught the golden Snitch and suddeningly began to roast hot-dogs and marshmallows on an open grill._

_Oh, and Ginny and Harry made up, even though they had not technically been fighting. Harry got down on one knee (that's right, he got down to one knee on his broom) and proposed to Ginny. She, of course, said yes. Ron, inspired by his success, asked Hermione to marry him. She agreed, but only if Ron would be more emotionally mature. Ron agreed._

_The End._

_A/N: Er. Right. So. That was it. Kind of a short chapter, but I think we got everything that was required into it. And thus ends our first attempt at a fan-fiction. We hope you like it. We also hope that absolutely nothing that happened in our fic actually happens to us at school this year. Er. Except for the buttons. Those were kind of funny. _

A/N from Gryffindor777: All right. It's finished. It would've been done sooner if I hadn't wanted to get my more serious fanfiction done first (which I did). I would've put a little bit more in this chapter, except that I'm in a bit of a rush, and wanted to put this chapter up before I go to bed tonight so that everybody can read it on Friday the 15th before the book comes out. Please feel free to let me know what you thought about this chapter or the story as a whole. Oh, by the way, if anybody does end up reading the book before reading this, I just want to point out that I don't want any spoilers coming my way in reviews. Thanks. And, most of all, thanks to anyone and everyone who has read and reviewed this story. Be on the look-out for another parody along these same lines starting just as soon as I read enough bad seventh year fanfiction to become inspired.


End file.
